(no subject)
So I haven't updated you guys on anything lately. Well, I am now! But don't get mad at me if I don't update much anymore. I'm trying to write more in a hand written journal. And morning sickness, (which really doesn't mean it happens in the morning), doesn't actually make a person feel like doing much.
Our little one is due on Valentines Day! In four weeks we will get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We are super excited about that! We are just super excited about mostly everything lately. I'm mostly happy that everything has been okay so far, and the life inside of me seems to be growing just the way it should be. I've been thanking the universe for so much lately. I've never felt so blessed before in my life.
Other than feeling blessed, however, I've also been feeling stressed. So far with all the excitement and joys of being pregnant, I've also had the not so joyful side effect of panic attacks and anxiety. I've really been stressing out about all of these feelings. It's work that does it to me. I'm not sure I can handle work anymore. I'm feeling crazier and crazier every day because I can't handle things that normal people should be able to handle. I wish I could just deal with things, but I can't. And I want this to be the happiest time of my life, and these problems are really getting in the way of my mama happiness.
It's really tough though because my job is the reason I have great insurance, the reason paying these doctors bills won't be absolutely impossible. If I quit my job, I lose the insurance. If I don't quit my job, I have the worst anxiety I've ever felt in my life. I've already had to explain to my manager, a complete stranger in human resources, and a nurse and two doctors that I'm an anxiety filled freak. They just stare at me like I really am just ridiculous. The doctors just tell me there's nothing they can do for me. They tell me to quit my job. I wish I had as much money as a doctor. If I did I certainly wouldn't be telling a pregnant 20 something year old girl to just quit her job. I'd be supportive. Of course, that's why I'm not a doctor. I've never met a doctor that cares more about people than money.
All I really want to do is read my pregnancy books and get this house ready for a baby and learn enough about myself to be the best mommy in the world. I honestly think I have it in me, but the anxiety is telling me otherwise.
I really am ridiculous, and scared. But at the same time I feel so amazing. It honestly makes no sense. That's hormones for ya.
I have an appointment to see a counselor this week. I know there are so many things that I have kept hidden inside me for way too long that I need to just get out. Telling your husband everything and telling other people nothing really won't help you in the long run. There is only so much that poor David can do, and he does so much! It's hard when you have nobody else, though. So I'm going to a counselor, a stranger, and I'm hoping with all of my heart that she can be a friend to me. After all, that's really what I need more than anything right now. I need to be told that I'm not crazy or a bad person for feeling this way, and I need to BELIEVE it. I just wish so badly that I could be the person I am in my daydreams. I wish so badly I could be the sunshine that some people seem to think I am. I don't want my baby to have a fake mama. I have to be the best mama! I want my child to have all the things that I didn't, and so much more.
So that is where I stand as of now. You may hear from me a little or you may hear from me a lot, but lately I just haven't felt much like being on livejournal...no offense. Right now I just need some time for myself, and to write for myself, too, away from internet land. I hope you all understand. *hugs* :)
Our little one is due on Valentines Day! In four weeks we will get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We are super excited about that! We are just super excited about mostly everything lately. I'm mostly happy that everything has been okay so far, and the life inside of me seems to be growing just the way it should be. I've been thanking the universe for so much lately. I've never felt so blessed before in my life.
Other than feeling blessed, however, I've also been feeling stressed. So far with all the excitement and joys of being pregnant, I've also had the not so joyful side effect of panic attacks and anxiety. I've really been stressing out about all of these feelings. It's work that does it to me. I'm not sure I can handle work anymore. I'm feeling crazier and crazier every day because I can't handle things that normal people should be able to handle. I wish I could just deal with things, but I can't. And I want this to be the happiest time of my life, and these problems are really getting in the way of my mama happiness.
It's really tough though because my job is the reason I have great insurance, the reason paying these doctors bills won't be absolutely impossible. If I quit my job, I lose the insurance. If I don't quit my job, I have the worst anxiety I've ever felt in my life. I've already had to explain to my manager, a complete stranger in human resources, and a nurse and two doctors that I'm an anxiety filled freak. They just stare at me like I really am just ridiculous. The doctors just tell me there's nothing they can do for me. They tell me to quit my job. I wish I had as much money as a doctor. If I did I certainly wouldn't be telling a pregnant 20 something year old girl to just quit her job. I'd be supportive. Of course, that's why I'm not a doctor. I've never met a doctor that cares more about people than money.
All I really want to do is read my pregnancy books and get this house ready for a baby and learn enough about myself to be the best mommy in the world. I honestly think I have it in me, but the anxiety is telling me otherwise.
I really am ridiculous, and scared. But at the same time I feel so amazing. It honestly makes no sense. That's hormones for ya.
I have an appointment to see a counselor this week. I know there are so many things that I have kept hidden inside me for way too long that I need to just get out. Telling your husband everything and telling other people nothing really won't help you in the long run. There is only so much that poor David can do, and he does so much! It's hard when you have nobody else, though. So I'm going to a counselor, a stranger, and I'm hoping with all of my heart that she can be a friend to me. After all, that's really what I need more than anything right now. I need to be told that I'm not crazy or a bad person for feeling this way, and I need to BELIEVE it. I just wish so badly that I could be the person I am in my daydreams. I wish so badly I could be the sunshine that some people seem to think I am. I don't want my baby to have a fake mama. I have to be the best mama! I want my child to have all the things that I didn't, and so much more.
So that is where I stand as of now. You may hear from me a little or you may hear from me a lot, but lately I just haven't felt much like being on livejournal...no offense. Right now I just need some time for myself, and to write for myself, too, away from internet land. I hope you all understand. *hugs* :)