second update
Thanks for the comments,
It's true, I rarely find the time to log on to my lifejournal account, but i do venture in sometimes. Like now, it's 130am, and i can't sleep. The dog is by Andy's side in bed and i can't tell which one is snoring. :)
i remember the emotional trysts i once wrote here and i'm thankful for my these memories i've banked online.
I am happy with my life and i don't have to convince myself of that. i started this journal several years ago and have definately grown up since then. when nights out and casual romances where the primary focus of my thoughts, now my ideas gravitate to mortgages, vacation spots, historical politics, sports and more recently the question of children in my future.
It's something that I had decided a long time ago, that i, eventually would like to be a mom. I don't think i would seriously date someone whom absolutely didn't want kids. I would probably slowly drop a relationship if i knew 100% that creating a family was out of the equasion.
In all honesty, it didn't bother me at all that i dated older women, i'd never run into the definate roadblock that was this kiddie refusal. I think Andy would be a great mom. For exemple, i can imagine her encouraging Junior to ride a snowboard off a jump, or team up and try to convince me that a morotized dirtbike is a suitable toy for a 9 year old girl. I on the other hand can tell (with a grumble) i'll be over-protective and insist that the waterwings stay on until i'm satisfied Junior can swim well enough to tease me about it.
While Andy makes the silly bedtime-story voices and vows to coach little-league ball, I can see myself installing bike-training wheels and buying non-toxic felt markers.
I had all these wonderful ideas, until Andy got sick. It did shake my world, and all of a sudden, this family ideal had a different perspective.
If you only had another...12 years, with someone...would you knowingly start a family?
I'm really having a tough time with this, and it's got nothing to do with Andy being over 10years my senior, (she's more rambunctious than a toddler high on fun-dip anyway) but I don't know about bringing a child into the world, knowing Andy's Cancer is bound to relapse.
anyways, i suppose i should go to bed, try to sleep again, I've been taking Melatoning in order to sleep, it's all natural and while it doesn't help Andy at all, it works like a charm on me. Obviously, since i'm still up, I try not to take it often.
Take care everyone.