(no subject)
i just wasted another half hour of my life sobbing into the couch; it's been a real eye-opening week. thinking about it, i was never even this sad in spain. i've said for months that my roommate is my best friend, but i can't say that's true. he has a personal policy of being a jerk to me when it makes him look good and i can't stand it anymore. i left him wasted at a bar and came home by myself in a fit of rage. he apologized, but i made clear that if the past is any indication, i have absolutely no faith that it won't happen again. he told me that i'm expecting him to act a certain way and when he doesn't, i get mad. i would agree. i certainly expect my best friend, with whom i went to the bar, to not scream at me to go away and call me a pussy just to make some blond laugh. i would expect my best friend to not constantly refer to me as "my roommate, the puking guy" in reference to the one time in my life that i puked after drinking despite that i had told him repeatedly to stop. i would expect my best friend to listen when i have something to say rather than yell at me to shut up. i meant to tell all this to my mom, who was supposed to call me this morning but never did. everyone ditches me. i'm so unprepared for reality. i wanted my mom to call this morning so i could tell her everything and then she could make it all better. i really want to go home right now. i want more than anything to see jess, ryan, lisa, and alicia; my real best friends that have never ever knocked me down to build themselves up. i miss my brother more with every second that passes because he's the most selfless human being i know. i miss sneaking around the house and taking secret car trips to be able to talk to my mom without the violent repercussions. i feel as though i'm stuck in this awful paradox of homelessness. my depew home situation sucks and my here roommate situation sucks too. i desperately don't want to stay here much longer, but i desperately don't want to go back to my parents' house. i honestly believe that overall, right now is the most hopeless i've ever felt because i want to escape terribly, and yet, i have nowhere to go. blah. thanks for letting me vent.