(no subject)
there's a reason this page has been empty for a while.
i've been seeing the world in various shades of black lately and i don't know what's come over me. maybe it's the eternal pessimism or the jealousy or just the genetics finally kicking in but everything's been really bad. last week at this time, i would have said that the world was on my side, but today i'm back to the awful feelings that i had two weeks ago. i just keep feeling hopeless; utterly hopeless. i believe that the world is running far ahead of me and i'm too far behind to catch up. being faced with the real world sucks, kids. especially once you start realizing that your lemoyne college foreign language degree won't get your foot in the door anywhere. the other day i was talking with my department chair and he mentioned grad school to me. when i said that i really didn't think i was going, he told me that i didn't have a shot. in fewer words, he told me that everything i'd done here was a waste of my time; having hope stolen from you when hope is all you had is a pretty sickening feeling. facing the facts there are very few positives that i've got going for me. i have a brother and mom that i could not possibly care more about. that is the extent of my permanence. twenty one weeks from now everything here that i've worked to build and manage is done and gone and that is a very sobering thought. mom doesn't call anymore and my brother is too busy to really care for more than fifteen minutes at a time. i am desperately afraid that what is happening right now is just the prologue to a redundant story of solitude and deepening depression. i'm starting to believe that everything i have here is only around because they like my roommate better and i'm just the sidekick; i never liked being in the backseat. my mind wanders back to my youth at night lately. i think about those nights awake at three am clutching a pillow and i think about today. if i'm going to be sequestered to the backseat forever then why isn't it best to just jump out of the car --- the world is going to eat me alive anyway.
i've been seeing the world in various shades of black lately and i don't know what's come over me. maybe it's the eternal pessimism or the jealousy or just the genetics finally kicking in but everything's been really bad. last week at this time, i would have said that the world was on my side, but today i'm back to the awful feelings that i had two weeks ago. i just keep feeling hopeless; utterly hopeless. i believe that the world is running far ahead of me and i'm too far behind to catch up. being faced with the real world sucks, kids. especially once you start realizing that your lemoyne college foreign language degree won't get your foot in the door anywhere. the other day i was talking with my department chair and he mentioned grad school to me. when i said that i really didn't think i was going, he told me that i didn't have a shot. in fewer words, he told me that everything i'd done here was a waste of my time; having hope stolen from you when hope is all you had is a pretty sickening feeling. facing the facts there are very few positives that i've got going for me. i have a brother and mom that i could not possibly care more about. that is the extent of my permanence. twenty one weeks from now everything here that i've worked to build and manage is done and gone and that is a very sobering thought. mom doesn't call anymore and my brother is too busy to really care for more than fifteen minutes at a time. i am desperately afraid that what is happening right now is just the prologue to a redundant story of solitude and deepening depression. i'm starting to believe that everything i have here is only around because they like my roommate better and i'm just the sidekick; i never liked being in the backseat. my mind wanders back to my youth at night lately. i think about those nights awake at three am clutching a pillow and i think about today. if i'm going to be sequestered to the backseat forever then why isn't it best to just jump out of the car --- the world is going to eat me alive anyway.