Happy (?!)
Things have been going mighty fine as of lately. The other night, I started to cry, not from depression or hopelessness, but from joy. Pure, unfiltered joy about the way things in my life are going right now.
- Job.
Job is amazing. I don't know why it's different being a caregiver this time around...I'm a different person, in a different point in my life, and I'm a different caregiver. I am not cutting corners, and working 2nd shift, I actually have time to learn who the residents are, and they bring me so much joy, I feel so blessed to know each and every one of them. I love making the money I feel I deserve, and while I certainly get stressed, it's never debilitating stress. Not once have I come home, depressed or angry about the kind of stress I am feeling. It is stress I am willing to feel, because it is substantial stress about things that matter, not about greedy customers, and shitty coworkers. It's about life and death, and the health of fellow human beings.
My coworkers are amazing, too. Some of the best I've ever had. They all pull their weight, and are incredibly sweet and considerate to me, my feelings, and my shortcomings. There are few and far between coworkers I don't care for, but it's so rare that I feel that way about someone, it's hardly worth mentioning.
- Health.
My asthma has been so incredible. After finding the free clinic, and returning to acupuncture, I have had enough energy and lung capacity to feel normal for the first time in years. Hell, for the first time since probably high school am I able to breathe clearly through my nose. I can taste things and smell things consistently for the first time in such a long time, it's like I've got a whole new set of senses. I'm not exercising yet, but the other day I did run around my basement a few times to get some of the restlessness out (and I'm still too neurotic to run outside, where people can see me). It was invigorating, to run for the first time in such a long time, even if it wasn't very much.
- Relationships.
Things between Gabe and I are strong, but also between me and my other friends. Andy, Elsa and I are getting together for writer's groups every other Tuesday, and it's so nice to return to that. Aaron and I are still trying to get together more often, and I miss him. It sounds like Tracy has graduated, and I can see the both of them more often than before. It will be nice.
- Arts.
I am reading, writing, crocheting, and baking often. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing things. I am even learning how to do things with my hair! I have learned some simple updos, so that my hair stays off of my neck at work, and it's been really nice to not have to futz with a ponytail every few minutes. I feel enriched.
This is really the happiest I've been since I can remember. There have been times I have been happy ENOUGH, but it's never been like this- this complete. I hope this will last.
In slightly related news, I have my evaluation coming up on the 23rd. I expressed my concerns to Lori that the new nurse wouldn't be able to give me a decent evaluation, and she said she completely understood where I was coming from, and bumped it back from the end of June. I have to fill out a self-evaluation, and we will kind of compare notes about me, to see what I'm doing well, and what I need to improve upon. I have never done a self-evaluation, and I'm scared and excited to see what Lori thinks. I am also excited about a possible raise.
I work 8 days in a row, and as much as I am enjoying my job, I am going to enjoy it more once this 8 days is over.
- Job.
Job is amazing. I don't know why it's different being a caregiver this time around...I'm a different person, in a different point in my life, and I'm a different caregiver. I am not cutting corners, and working 2nd shift, I actually have time to learn who the residents are, and they bring me so much joy, I feel so blessed to know each and every one of them. I love making the money I feel I deserve, and while I certainly get stressed, it's never debilitating stress. Not once have I come home, depressed or angry about the kind of stress I am feeling. It is stress I am willing to feel, because it is substantial stress about things that matter, not about greedy customers, and shitty coworkers. It's about life and death, and the health of fellow human beings.
My coworkers are amazing, too. Some of the best I've ever had. They all pull their weight, and are incredibly sweet and considerate to me, my feelings, and my shortcomings. There are few and far between coworkers I don't care for, but it's so rare that I feel that way about someone, it's hardly worth mentioning.
- Health.
My asthma has been so incredible. After finding the free clinic, and returning to acupuncture, I have had enough energy and lung capacity to feel normal for the first time in years. Hell, for the first time since probably high school am I able to breathe clearly through my nose. I can taste things and smell things consistently for the first time in such a long time, it's like I've got a whole new set of senses. I'm not exercising yet, but the other day I did run around my basement a few times to get some of the restlessness out (and I'm still too neurotic to run outside, where people can see me). It was invigorating, to run for the first time in such a long time, even if it wasn't very much.
- Relationships.
Things between Gabe and I are strong, but also between me and my other friends. Andy, Elsa and I are getting together for writer's groups every other Tuesday, and it's so nice to return to that. Aaron and I are still trying to get together more often, and I miss him. It sounds like Tracy has graduated, and I can see the both of them more often than before. It will be nice.
- Arts.
I am reading, writing, crocheting, and baking often. It makes me feel like I am accomplishing things. I am even learning how to do things with my hair! I have learned some simple updos, so that my hair stays off of my neck at work, and it's been really nice to not have to futz with a ponytail every few minutes. I feel enriched.
This is really the happiest I've been since I can remember. There have been times I have been happy ENOUGH, but it's never been like this- this complete. I hope this will last.
In slightly related news, I have my evaluation coming up on the 23rd. I expressed my concerns to Lori that the new nurse wouldn't be able to give me a decent evaluation, and she said she completely understood where I was coming from, and bumped it back from the end of June. I have to fill out a self-evaluation, and we will kind of compare notes about me, to see what I'm doing well, and what I need to improve upon. I have never done a self-evaluation, and I'm scared and excited to see what Lori thinks. I am also excited about a possible raise.
I work 8 days in a row, and as much as I am enjoying my job, I am going to enjoy it more once this 8 days is over.