TM-Challenge: Shame (catchup)
Talk about something you did that made you feel ashamed of yourself afterwards.
Yeah, nice try guys. I have been accused, in the past, of dwelling on my own problems, being self-absorbed, perhaps even whining. (Not brooding though. I never brood. Angel's the brooder in the family.) (That's a joke, I'm not in his family.) Though everybody else seems to be these days.
Anyway, so really? No point in dwelling. I'm not a dweller. Not anymore. I'm totally reformed. Happy Buffy, at your service.
*locked*
Yeah, right, you guys will all believe that when you see it. Fine. But, OK, here's the thing about shame. It's not, like, the same as guilt. I mean, there's stuff I feel guilty about and, well, mostly I know I deserve to. Back when Willow got carried away with the magic and got in all that trouble -- well, I never saw it. I was so worried about the thing with Spike, whatever the hell that was about. (I thought I hated him, then I thought I loved him, then I didn't know what to think, then it didn't seem to matter anymore.) I did a lousy job taking care of Dawn and looking out for Willow, because I was too worried about myself. And I still feel guilty about that.
But -- shame? The things that make me feel ashamed of myself, those are stranger. Because I'm not even so sure it's something I did wrong. It's just the feeling, shame. You know it's there. Looking back it's hard to even say why, and. . .well, it doesn't have to be your fault. As weird as it is, the night I kept coming back to when I thought about that word, "shame," was when I found Riley in. . .that place. With another girl and. . . not just another girl, a vampire. A betrayal of everything I thought we were fighting for. Everything I thought we were fighting for together.
A year later, Riley was the one who walked in on me. At one of my not-so-good moments. But when I think of the time I was most ashamed, it wasn't him finding me with Spike. It was me finding Riley with that girl. That vampire. But it doesn't make sense. Why should I be ashamed because he betrayed me?
Of course, there was another thing about that night. The girl-vampire, the one who was with Riley. I was fighting her -- normal -- and I stopped -- not normal. She had a chance to get away. I was going to let her get away -- not normal. And then I changed my mind. And I staked her anyway -- back to normal. Staking vamps is what I do. It's not something I can even allow myself to feel bad about. So -- why do I sometimes dream about that vampire, and see her eyes? And with everything I've done, and everything I've been through -- why should that make me feel ashamed?
Yeah, nice try guys. I have been accused, in the past, of dwelling on my own problems, being self-absorbed, perhaps even whining. (Not brooding though. I never brood. Angel's the brooder in the family.) (That's a joke, I'm not in his family.) Though everybody else seems to be these days.
Anyway, so really? No point in dwelling. I'm not a dweller. Not anymore. I'm totally reformed. Happy Buffy, at your service.
*locked*
Yeah, right, you guys will all believe that when you see it. Fine. But, OK, here's the thing about shame. It's not, like, the same as guilt. I mean, there's stuff I feel guilty about and, well, mostly I know I deserve to. Back when Willow got carried away with the magic and got in all that trouble -- well, I never saw it. I was so worried about the thing with Spike, whatever the hell that was about. (I thought I hated him, then I thought I loved him, then I didn't know what to think, then it didn't seem to matter anymore.) I did a lousy job taking care of Dawn and looking out for Willow, because I was too worried about myself. And I still feel guilty about that.
But -- shame? The things that make me feel ashamed of myself, those are stranger. Because I'm not even so sure it's something I did wrong. It's just the feeling, shame. You know it's there. Looking back it's hard to even say why, and. . .well, it doesn't have to be your fault. As weird as it is, the night I kept coming back to when I thought about that word, "shame," was when I found Riley in. . .that place. With another girl and. . . not just another girl, a vampire. A betrayal of everything I thought we were fighting for. Everything I thought we were fighting for together.
A year later, Riley was the one who walked in on me. At one of my not-so-good moments. But when I think of the time I was most ashamed, it wasn't him finding me with Spike. It was me finding Riley with that girl. That vampire. But it doesn't make sense. Why should I be ashamed because he betrayed me?
Of course, there was another thing about that night. The girl-vampire, the one who was with Riley. I was fighting her -- normal -- and I stopped -- not normal. She had a chance to get away. I was going to let her get away -- not normal. And then I changed my mind. And I staked her anyway -- back to normal. Staking vamps is what I do. It's not something I can even allow myself to feel bad about. So -- why do I sometimes dream about that vampire, and see her eyes? And with everything I've done, and everything I've been through -- why should that make me feel ashamed?