(no subject)
secretly falling apart.
You are quiet and you try to pay attention and look nice and make people believe that you care.
You do things secretly that make you want to scream, but smile and make sure everyone knows just how happy you choose to act that day.
You breathe and blink and talk like everyone else.
it's always there. Right behind you, telling you to do the things you don't want to do. The things you are so exhausted with, that you'd rather just sleep through your days then do them again.
fake all you want, pretend all you want, tell yourself it's not who you are, it's not how you were supposed to be, but it's there.
Take the pills and drink as much as your stomach can handle.
Find the bathroom, bring it up, and do it again.
it's the people that hold your hair while you puke,the people the hold your hand, the people that tell you that you are beautiful and that they want to be with you, those are the ones that are the worst.
Those are the ones that make you believe it. that you take home with you and fuck and love and hold and are amazed to find.
For the one night you are with them.
You get drunk, you fall in love for an hour,you fuck them, and they go home, and you are left by yourself, feeling used and stupid.
Hating yourself more.
Doing things that you shouldn't be doing.
Trying to impress someone, anyone that will pay attention for a minute.
Grow your hair, smoke the cigarettes, diet until you are so addicted to thinking you are going to be beautiful,that you can't stop.
I need to stop writing this stuff down,one day the wrong person will see it and convince everyone i'm crazy.
but hey, it's the truth I guess.