(no subject)
everything i say you just have to twist, convince yourself that i dont mean it, that i dont care, make me hurt that much more than i already do, tell me i dont understand, dont let me understand, and place impossible responsibility on my shoulders, then lash out at me when im less than perfect. well im sorry to say im not leaving, im not abandoning you and im staying as long as you let me, as long as you need me, as long as i can.
on to more normal news:
im all cut up and bruised from tramping thru the woods for 3 hours this morning, hauling firewood, working myself into a state of partial exhaustion, which the subsequent meltdown didnt do much to help. ive wasted hours sitting in front of this very bright screen giving myself a headache researching...things that r making me unhappy in the extreme and trying to keep not only my but a few others' sanity (such as it is, i know) together. gotta love it. its just so badly messed up.
you know Ling, bc i know ur gonna read this soon bc ur religious about reading things like this, a year ago my life had so little drama i started to be utterly sick of life it was so routine and dull. it all started to go downhill--at an alarming rate--after may 11, and hasnt stopped since. actually, its picked up speed, and Ling, its all your fault, and i absolutely love you for it. some of the less pleasant drama has nothing to do with you however. and im only happy when i have someone to take care of and help and be there for. funny to think that if id been like i was at the beginning of this year, now, id prolly be suicidal. thats a little sad, bc now id know what id be missing as opposed to then. yes, that did too make sense. im no longer moping about silly emotional things like love and turmoil, its so..s...so overdone. and i do so hate being normal. however it makes the things i say a bit shorter. thats sad, to know that if im not complaining id just have to shut up. thats wicked depressing
on to more normal news:
im all cut up and bruised from tramping thru the woods for 3 hours this morning, hauling firewood, working myself into a state of partial exhaustion, which the subsequent meltdown didnt do much to help. ive wasted hours sitting in front of this very bright screen giving myself a headache researching...things that r making me unhappy in the extreme and trying to keep not only my but a few others' sanity (such as it is, i know) together. gotta love it. its just so badly messed up.
you know Ling, bc i know ur gonna read this soon bc ur religious about reading things like this, a year ago my life had so little drama i started to be utterly sick of life it was so routine and dull. it all started to go downhill--at an alarming rate--after may 11, and hasnt stopped since. actually, its picked up speed, and Ling, its all your fault, and i absolutely love you for it. some of the less pleasant drama has nothing to do with you however. and im only happy when i have someone to take care of and help and be there for. funny to think that if id been like i was at the beginning of this year, now, id prolly be suicidal. thats a little sad, bc now id know what id be missing as opposed to then. yes, that did too make sense. im no longer moping about silly emotional things like love and turmoil, its so..s...so overdone. and i do so hate being normal. however it makes the things i say a bit shorter. thats sad, to know that if im not complaining id just have to shut up. thats wicked depressing