yeah, i know...
i did just update and all, but i was just pointing out the article that i feel proves my sexual frusteration is worthwhile and perfectly justified.
honestly, i just want someone to make out with. cuddle, too, but i really just want a boy to kiss. we don't have to date, just so long as he's not a kiss-whore and is not kissing anyone else.
after all, even i have some standards.
i really just think i'm going crazy and that they're all out to get me and i don't even know what to do with myself.
i just really hope jackie got some tonight so i can at least hear a good sex story tomorrow instead of just being bored and sexually frusterated all day tomorrow. and studying for history of medicine! gaaaaah.
hopefully Q will get back from penn state and will remember he said he was going to call me, but i doubt it. i've lost faith in most of the male species and their ability to figure out how to work a telephone. at a convenient time, anyway.
mike called me abouuuuuut 36 hours ago to ask me to hang out with him, for example. which was amazing! i had no idea he ever thought about me when i wasn't right in front of him. of course, then he blew me off for someone whose name will not appear here, but who is a complete whore, and has completely broken his heart on repeated occasions. and once blamed me for breaking his heart, when we were having relationship issues senior year of high school, which she knew nothing about. NO ONE, for the record, knew anything about that relationship besides maaaaaaybe zander. and he only knew that one minute we were happy with each other, and the next, we were not. so that doesn't even count. he just tried to fix things, and it didn't even really work.
whatever.
jackie's away message for the last 2 days has said something to the effect of "general advice for the male race: we don't want to hear your life story. just take off your pants." usually i would think that was funny but wrong, but tonight i completely agree. i think i'm losing my mind.
suffice it to say that boys make me crazy and i'm starting to suspect that they're all just out to get me. and hopefully one of them in particular will call me tomorrow, having realized that he's completely crazy about me and will ask me to hang out with him ASAP (thursday? not like i'm going to boston....) because he thinks i'm an absolute goddess (which duh, i am) and can't possibly see enough of me.
because come on. duh. doesn't eveyone feel that way?
globes and maps are all around me now
i wanna feel you breath me
globes and maps i see surround you here
why won't you believe me?
globes and maps, they chart your way back home
so do you wanna leave, or something?
cause i can't take this anymore
i know that i can't take this anymore
i can't take this anymore
cause i know someday i'll see you walk out that door...
sorry.
random soco outburst.
who, by the way, i am seeing in a WEEK!! i can't even stand it.
i just miss last year like crazy. by all logic it should've been the worst year ever, but it just wasn't at all. i have the most amazing friends and they get me through everything, and the new additions this year are amazing as well and i was thinking about it tonight, how i sort of float, or rather, spin through life, and collect friends as they come along and occasionally lose one spinning off into space, never to find again in the same closeness. how weird will it be if mike, isaiah and pat get a house next semester? i probably wouldn't ever go see them. since when am i so close with christopher? linnae, david and i just got back from a drive around town (which is why i'm updating so late...well, that and how we all watched movies in linnae's room and then watched bam and i basically slept through the whole thing...whatever), and i just sat in the backseat of the car, astounded, for lack of a better word, at how quickly i became friends with those two. i absolutely love them both, the rest of the hall too. it's funny how quickly i become attached to people, and how hard it is for me to let go.
i'm trying to figure out how to let go of kurt, lately, and i just don't know what to do. he's been such a huge, monumental part of my life, and has gotten me through the growth process in such weird but major ways...but somewhere along there he became my whole world, and then just dropped out of it one day and i somehow barely noticed until recently. he wrote me an email the other day and told me he still thinks about me every day, and i felt so...strange. because...well, i DON'T. i think about him all the time, sure, but i'm also thinking about Q, and my mom, and working here, and school, and music, and my friends, presidential elections, everything.
i know things are never going to work out where we end up 100% happily married. and i think that's important, that i know that, but also, i have no idea how to break things off with him so that that's ok. on one hand, i feel like he's always going to be a huge part of my life and my best friend and so very important...on another hand, i wish i'd never gone to montana, and that he'd never come here in december last year, and that we'd never started talking again last september, and that he'd never kissed me when he left RI, and that i'd never kissed him in the first place, senior year. and that we'd never even met.
i know i'm supposed to be thankful for everything in life and to have no regrets has always been a big thing for me...but think about how much easier my life would have been without him? it's hard to remember how amazing he always was and how much fun we had and how in love with him i was, and maybe still am...maybe...when i can't talk to him or see him or think about him without getting all nostalgic like this and feeling guilty about dumb things like christopher throwing me onto my bed today and playing with my hair, and not so dumb things like hooking up with quinton, who kurt has never met or ever heard of.
i'm just afraid that if i let it go now, then the last 4 years of my life will have been for nothing. and i don't know how to deal with that.
well, "fallen" by sarah mclachlan just came on my playlist and it was the only song i would listen to after i got home from MT, so now i'm going to go to bed before i remember a single other thing about kurt arthur anderson.
...
god.
--s*
..is it just me, or was this the longest livejournal entry of all TIME?! jeeeeesus. happy 5:30 a.m.
honestly, i just want someone to make out with. cuddle, too, but i really just want a boy to kiss. we don't have to date, just so long as he's not a kiss-whore and is not kissing anyone else.
after all, even i have some standards.
i really just think i'm going crazy and that they're all out to get me and i don't even know what to do with myself.
i just really hope jackie got some tonight so i can at least hear a good sex story tomorrow instead of just being bored and sexually frusterated all day tomorrow. and studying for history of medicine! gaaaaah.
hopefully Q will get back from penn state and will remember he said he was going to call me, but i doubt it. i've lost faith in most of the male species and their ability to figure out how to work a telephone. at a convenient time, anyway.
mike called me abouuuuuut 36 hours ago to ask me to hang out with him, for example. which was amazing! i had no idea he ever thought about me when i wasn't right in front of him. of course, then he blew me off for someone whose name will not appear here, but who is a complete whore, and has completely broken his heart on repeated occasions. and once blamed me for breaking his heart, when we were having relationship issues senior year of high school, which she knew nothing about. NO ONE, for the record, knew anything about that relationship besides maaaaaaybe zander. and he only knew that one minute we were happy with each other, and the next, we were not. so that doesn't even count. he just tried to fix things, and it didn't even really work.
whatever.
jackie's away message for the last 2 days has said something to the effect of "general advice for the male race: we don't want to hear your life story. just take off your pants." usually i would think that was funny but wrong, but tonight i completely agree. i think i'm losing my mind.
suffice it to say that boys make me crazy and i'm starting to suspect that they're all just out to get me. and hopefully one of them in particular will call me tomorrow, having realized that he's completely crazy about me and will ask me to hang out with him ASAP (thursday? not like i'm going to boston....) because he thinks i'm an absolute goddess (which duh, i am) and can't possibly see enough of me.
because come on. duh. doesn't eveyone feel that way?
globes and maps are all around me now
i wanna feel you breath me
globes and maps i see surround you here
why won't you believe me?
globes and maps, they chart your way back home
so do you wanna leave, or something?
cause i can't take this anymore
i know that i can't take this anymore
i can't take this anymore
cause i know someday i'll see you walk out that door...
sorry.
random soco outburst.
who, by the way, i am seeing in a WEEK!! i can't even stand it.
i just miss last year like crazy. by all logic it should've been the worst year ever, but it just wasn't at all. i have the most amazing friends and they get me through everything, and the new additions this year are amazing as well and i was thinking about it tonight, how i sort of float, or rather, spin through life, and collect friends as they come along and occasionally lose one spinning off into space, never to find again in the same closeness. how weird will it be if mike, isaiah and pat get a house next semester? i probably wouldn't ever go see them. since when am i so close with christopher? linnae, david and i just got back from a drive around town (which is why i'm updating so late...well, that and how we all watched movies in linnae's room and then watched bam and i basically slept through the whole thing...whatever), and i just sat in the backseat of the car, astounded, for lack of a better word, at how quickly i became friends with those two. i absolutely love them both, the rest of the hall too. it's funny how quickly i become attached to people, and how hard it is for me to let go.
i'm trying to figure out how to let go of kurt, lately, and i just don't know what to do. he's been such a huge, monumental part of my life, and has gotten me through the growth process in such weird but major ways...but somewhere along there he became my whole world, and then just dropped out of it one day and i somehow barely noticed until recently. he wrote me an email the other day and told me he still thinks about me every day, and i felt so...strange. because...well, i DON'T. i think about him all the time, sure, but i'm also thinking about Q, and my mom, and working here, and school, and music, and my friends, presidential elections, everything.
i know things are never going to work out where we end up 100% happily married. and i think that's important, that i know that, but also, i have no idea how to break things off with him so that that's ok. on one hand, i feel like he's always going to be a huge part of my life and my best friend and so very important...on another hand, i wish i'd never gone to montana, and that he'd never come here in december last year, and that we'd never started talking again last september, and that he'd never kissed me when he left RI, and that i'd never kissed him in the first place, senior year. and that we'd never even met.
i know i'm supposed to be thankful for everything in life and to have no regrets has always been a big thing for me...but think about how much easier my life would have been without him? it's hard to remember how amazing he always was and how much fun we had and how in love with him i was, and maybe still am...maybe...when i can't talk to him or see him or think about him without getting all nostalgic like this and feeling guilty about dumb things like christopher throwing me onto my bed today and playing with my hair, and not so dumb things like hooking up with quinton, who kurt has never met or ever heard of.
i'm just afraid that if i let it go now, then the last 4 years of my life will have been for nothing. and i don't know how to deal with that.
well, "fallen" by sarah mclachlan just came on my playlist and it was the only song i would listen to after i got home from MT, so now i'm going to go to bed before i remember a single other thing about kurt arthur anderson.
...
god.
--s*
..is it just me, or was this the longest livejournal entry of all TIME?! jeeeeesus. happy 5:30 a.m.