(no subject)
have you ever watched yourself cry in the mirror? i did last night. and i noticed something interesting. i cry the exact way i did when i was a child. maybe that's not surprising but it struck me. i looked at the mirror and said to myself "is that what sad looks like? am i really that sad...the way a child is sad when he/she scrapes their knee?" i have the same pout and red eyes. i looked just like that kid glaring at the camera my uncle held as he saw my tears as a cute photo opportunity. it was the first time in a long time that i felt really connected to my life as a child. sometimes it seems unreal to think that you used to be that small and young and without responsibility.
i've been feeling really overwhelmed with my depleting sense of purpose. at times it is so intense and makes me so crazy. and if i dare read back entries of this LJ, i can find hints of the same feelings all over the place. i wonder if that means that i just haven't made progress.
tomorrow i have a job interview in chicago. the position will not be based in chicago and as far as i know, i could live wherever i want. it's an intense travel job averaging a schedule of 12 days on and 4 days home (more or less depending on the needs of the campaign). its an organizing job. this union has been recruiting me for several months now and i've convinced myself to just go and hear what the director has to say. by our phone conversations, it seems like she is excited about me and has probably already made up her mind (or at least is close to it). and i have to admit, our conversation left me feeling very excited about the opportunity to organize with them.
i feel pretty certain that if offered the position, i will have huge amounts of money thrown my way to take it since i know they've done that with a friend of mine who works with them on the local level. and i really don't want it to come to that because really, what's the point of having wealth if you're not with the ones you love? or is it about growing that fat savings account so that you can spend time with the ones you love...having fun and traveling the world?
but worst of all...when the fuck did my career choices become about money? am i becoming that professional american i vowed to never become at age 14 when i saw that exact mentality ruin my family?
i keep on trying to think more about the things that used to matter when deciding on union jobs. like the leadership of the union or the the working conditions. what are the politics or tactics? how progressive are they? what are the long term goals?
i just keep on thinking about the practical side of things. and it just makes me realize how much organizing has just become what i do...what i am by trade...my job...not my lifestyle or this thing that i just ended up doing because i followed my heart.
everything is swimming in my head way too fast. maybe i'm the epitome of sweating the small stuff and getting wayyyyy too ahead of myself. but i just can't help but feel like i'm disappointing the hell out of that sad kid looking at me in the mirror last night.
i just want to be real tomorrow. i want to feel it; not be convinced by it. so let this entry be a reminder to that...
i've been feeling really overwhelmed with my depleting sense of purpose. at times it is so intense and makes me so crazy. and if i dare read back entries of this LJ, i can find hints of the same feelings all over the place. i wonder if that means that i just haven't made progress.
tomorrow i have a job interview in chicago. the position will not be based in chicago and as far as i know, i could live wherever i want. it's an intense travel job averaging a schedule of 12 days on and 4 days home (more or less depending on the needs of the campaign). its an organizing job. this union has been recruiting me for several months now and i've convinced myself to just go and hear what the director has to say. by our phone conversations, it seems like she is excited about me and has probably already made up her mind (or at least is close to it). and i have to admit, our conversation left me feeling very excited about the opportunity to organize with them.
i feel pretty certain that if offered the position, i will have huge amounts of money thrown my way to take it since i know they've done that with a friend of mine who works with them on the local level. and i really don't want it to come to that because really, what's the point of having wealth if you're not with the ones you love? or is it about growing that fat savings account so that you can spend time with the ones you love...having fun and traveling the world?
but worst of all...when the fuck did my career choices become about money? am i becoming that professional american i vowed to never become at age 14 when i saw that exact mentality ruin my family?
i keep on trying to think more about the things that used to matter when deciding on union jobs. like the leadership of the union or the the working conditions. what are the politics or tactics? how progressive are they? what are the long term goals?
i just keep on thinking about the practical side of things. and it just makes me realize how much organizing has just become what i do...what i am by trade...my job...not my lifestyle or this thing that i just ended up doing because i followed my heart.
everything is swimming in my head way too fast. maybe i'm the epitome of sweating the small stuff and getting wayyyyy too ahead of myself. but i just can't help but feel like i'm disappointing the hell out of that sad kid looking at me in the mirror last night.
i just want to be real tomorrow. i want to feel it; not be convinced by it. so let this entry be a reminder to that...