Blueeeeeeee Christmas
So Merry Christmas everyone. It's quite a bit different than last year.
On the way home, I got not one, but two tickets. The first one I was clocked doing 93 in a 65. The cop asked me why I was going 93, and I told him I was hungry. He said, "You were going 93 miles an hour because you're hungry?" I said that, more or less, that was the case. I got back onto the highway and clipped my driver's side mirror on an orange road barrel, causing my mirror to snap off. Within 10 minutes, I was pulled over a second time, this time only doing 81. I told the cop up front that I had just received a ticket in Lorena, as I figured I might be arrested or something. So I came home with $1,000 more of debt that I had when I left Austin.
Upon my arrival, I quickly decided that I was interested in getting an audio engineering degree at the Dallas Sound Lab so that I can mix audio for films, including my own. Also, I could record some elaborate music in their studios for my personal music portfolio. This would be a great way to get a paying job in the field. The only catch is that the one year program is $17,500, albeit well worth it. This would require me to pay off not only my credit card but also college loan debts before enrolling the program, participating, and then returning to Austin. I suppose I could enroll in the Austin sound lab program. I'll just see how things pan out.
I went to visit Casey's dad today, and he was a complete dick to me. Apparently, he has changed his mind about me. Said I was full of bullshit, that I should spend time with my own dad before he died, and that I needed a degree. I though have you ever heard the phrase "Each unto his own?" He kept expressing to me the importance of a degree and said things like "I've heard that before" when I would talk about job prospects. He talked about being in the Peace Core, and I said "I could do that" just talking out loud, obviously not serious, and he was like "I've heard you say that about another Goddamn thing every minute." I know what my ultimate goal is, but I haven't devised a clear plan. Just because my roadmap isn't standard issue doesn't mean I'm a loser. I've known I've wanted to be a filmmaker since I was a kid; I was born to do this. Though it bothers me that everyone is graduating in a semester, I still am proud of the decisions I've made and the experiences I've grown from. Just disappointing that someone I look up to seems to have either been a jerk unbeknownst to me, or has changed his mind about me. Considering Casey doesn't return my calls for no reason, it's not all too upsetting.
With John's (my oldest brother) arrival, we were delivered with some upsetting news. Charlie, his dog who I love more than any human being, almost certainly has stage IV of V of lymphoma. John is still waiting for blood panels and a urinalysis to come back after the holidays. If they come back inconclusive or positive, the next step is a biopsy. Considering John's current financial state, I don't know if he can even afford treatment. He's very upset, considering that Charlie is with him at all times, sleeps with him at night, and is the closest thing to a friend he has aside from his nincompoop associates. So we may be losing one of the sweetest dogs I've ever met, who is only 3 1/2 years old.
Christmastime and New Years are a depressing time for me, when I look back on the last year and reflect upon how little I have accomplished and how I'm closer to dying leaving no mark behind. While I enjoy time with friends and family (sometimes), I'm preoccupied with beating up myself for coming closer to fulfilling my fear of a life unknown, unappreciated, and unproductive. I carry around weight from things I regret, mistakes I've made, memories that tug at my guts; at Christmastime, this weight culminates so that I'm dragging myself around by my heels, trying to maintain this spirit of Christmas.
The one thing I'm grateful for is that I've regained sight of my aspirations again, and I burn to tell stories, surprise, move, and make people laugh. I had forgotten what I was doing for about a year, forgotten that this is who I am. And I've met many people who love me for who I am, encourage me, and appreciate the nice things I share with them. And some of those people have told me "you've got the talent and all you have to do is lift a fucking finger to make it happen."
Jeffy and I will depart from Houston on Monday or tomorrow night to go pick up a UHaul to grab the rest of my stuff. Hopefully it won't be too grueling of a process. Then, after New Years, I'll find a couple of part-time jobs and start hammering away at the pile of shit in an effort to get to the point where I can live paycheck to paycheck without any worry.
Once again, Merry Christmas everyone.
On the way home, I got not one, but two tickets. The first one I was clocked doing 93 in a 65. The cop asked me why I was going 93, and I told him I was hungry. He said, "You were going 93 miles an hour because you're hungry?" I said that, more or less, that was the case. I got back onto the highway and clipped my driver's side mirror on an orange road barrel, causing my mirror to snap off. Within 10 minutes, I was pulled over a second time, this time only doing 81. I told the cop up front that I had just received a ticket in Lorena, as I figured I might be arrested or something. So I came home with $1,000 more of debt that I had when I left Austin.
Upon my arrival, I quickly decided that I was interested in getting an audio engineering degree at the Dallas Sound Lab so that I can mix audio for films, including my own. Also, I could record some elaborate music in their studios for my personal music portfolio. This would be a great way to get a paying job in the field. The only catch is that the one year program is $17,500, albeit well worth it. This would require me to pay off not only my credit card but also college loan debts before enrolling the program, participating, and then returning to Austin. I suppose I could enroll in the Austin sound lab program. I'll just see how things pan out.
I went to visit Casey's dad today, and he was a complete dick to me. Apparently, he has changed his mind about me. Said I was full of bullshit, that I should spend time with my own dad before he died, and that I needed a degree. I though have you ever heard the phrase "Each unto his own?" He kept expressing to me the importance of a degree and said things like "I've heard that before" when I would talk about job prospects. He talked about being in the Peace Core, and I said "I could do that" just talking out loud, obviously not serious, and he was like "I've heard you say that about another Goddamn thing every minute." I know what my ultimate goal is, but I haven't devised a clear plan. Just because my roadmap isn't standard issue doesn't mean I'm a loser. I've known I've wanted to be a filmmaker since I was a kid; I was born to do this. Though it bothers me that everyone is graduating in a semester, I still am proud of the decisions I've made and the experiences I've grown from. Just disappointing that someone I look up to seems to have either been a jerk unbeknownst to me, or has changed his mind about me. Considering Casey doesn't return my calls for no reason, it's not all too upsetting.
With John's (my oldest brother) arrival, we were delivered with some upsetting news. Charlie, his dog who I love more than any human being, almost certainly has stage IV of V of lymphoma. John is still waiting for blood panels and a urinalysis to come back after the holidays. If they come back inconclusive or positive, the next step is a biopsy. Considering John's current financial state, I don't know if he can even afford treatment. He's very upset, considering that Charlie is with him at all times, sleeps with him at night, and is the closest thing to a friend he has aside from his nincompoop associates. So we may be losing one of the sweetest dogs I've ever met, who is only 3 1/2 years old.
Christmastime and New Years are a depressing time for me, when I look back on the last year and reflect upon how little I have accomplished and how I'm closer to dying leaving no mark behind. While I enjoy time with friends and family (sometimes), I'm preoccupied with beating up myself for coming closer to fulfilling my fear of a life unknown, unappreciated, and unproductive. I carry around weight from things I regret, mistakes I've made, memories that tug at my guts; at Christmastime, this weight culminates so that I'm dragging myself around by my heels, trying to maintain this spirit of Christmas.
The one thing I'm grateful for is that I've regained sight of my aspirations again, and I burn to tell stories, surprise, move, and make people laugh. I had forgotten what I was doing for about a year, forgotten that this is who I am. And I've met many people who love me for who I am, encourage me, and appreciate the nice things I share with them. And some of those people have told me "you've got the talent and all you have to do is lift a fucking finger to make it happen."
Jeffy and I will depart from Houston on Monday or tomorrow night to go pick up a UHaul to grab the rest of my stuff. Hopefully it won't be too grueling of a process. Then, after New Years, I'll find a couple of part-time jobs and start hammering away at the pile of shit in an effort to get to the point where I can live paycheck to paycheck without any worry.
Once again, Merry Christmas everyone.