Is it going to be bravery or cowardice... or just good ol' ignorance?
What a wretched, wretched life that for its entirety, we are trained to become close to people. Family is first and foremost. They're your roots and remind you constantly where you've come from. No matter what, you feel a certain bond with them. Especially your mom, dad and siblings.... Then you have your lovers: your partners in crime. It's a whole other kind of bond, whether you continue to be lovers or if you end up being only friends, you have experienced that person on another level and they snag a spot in your heart whether you like it or not. Of course there are your friends. Some you grow up with and feel like they helped to shape the person you have become. Others are infrequent, but bring you joy none-the-less. Then comes the part you aren't warned about. All of these people, these living beings that you spend your time with, they start dropping like flies! You stumble through the first death that you experience and try to convince yourself that it was a fluke. That the pain is only temporary and in a few weeks, you will force yourself to pretend like nothing happened and keep being a cheerful, optimistic person. But life is relentless. A second... a third... until finally you start to realize that death, inevitably, will happen to all of us at some point, regardless of age, experience, health, anything, everything. You start to wonder how you will end up dying. All of the simple activities you used to do without second thought become a death trap in your mind. You can't even pass a car on the interstate without visualizing them crashing into the side of you, causing a 10-car-pile-up. You start to criticize your life, wondering how you would be remembered if you were to die. And, as if life hasn't become tormenting enough, the worst part of all approaches... you start to see the mortality of all of your loved ones - how they, too, can die at any given moment, just like everyone else has. Every time you see your lover or family member, you imagine it being your last time to see them, wondering if you will regret anything you just said to them. Thinking to yourself: What if they got into a car wreck on their way home after this? What if this is the last time I see them? What if in some way something is on my side; that's why his smile looked so nice and alluring before he left... I'm supposed to remember it. Before you know it, you become a paranoid mess. Every time you can't get a hold of someone on the first try you begin to worry that something has gone terribly wrong and that there is a strong possibility they are in a hospital near death. As a whole, your outlook on life has become rather bleak. You find that you are distancing yourself from others, as if to avoid your newly accepted appreciation for the sadness that follows the death of those that you care about. They're all going to die one day, who knows when? You're now changed forever. The naive optimism on life you once had will never be present again. You try to wish it back, but it's no use. It's almost as if you've discovered the secret to life - The way you end up living your life depends on how well you can handle having the people you love ripped away from you. Taken out of your life. It all depends on how well you handle inevitable death. I feel like my life revolves around it now. Clearly my mood and mental state effect the decisions I make on a daily basis, which, in turn, dictates what happens to my life and where it goes. And as retaliation to life's dirty little trick? You succumb. You stare blankly, letting these scenarios play out in your head. You feel your stomach clench up, your throat get tight... I'm jealous of the ignorance of those who haven't lost someone, wishing I would have cherished it more... knowing that they aren't treasuring their benightedness makes it even more irritable. I'm not going crazy, this is part of growing up. That's the laughable part.