RL Stuff
Two days until me and the gang fly off to writercon and I'm soooooo not prepared in the slightest. It really is going to be a matter of shoving stuff into a suitcase the night before and pitching up at the airport half asleep. Weirdly, I used to be an organised person and now I often wonder when it was that I crossed the line from prompt, punctual and fairly organised over to late, unprepared and totally useless.
I should be doing chores right now. I should be preparing the house for my 10 day absense. But instead I'm slobbing and doing nought at all. Actually, I feel very tired today. I went to bed at a resonable time and woke up at 11.30, so I really shouldn't be tired at all. But I am. Plus, I have a headache and I'm feeling a little bit sick. The headache is because of the sleeping thing and the sicky thing I think is becasue I just ate even though I wasn't hungry.
Grandad is really bringing me down at the moment. A few months ago we had a massive confrontation about my holiday because he didn't want me to go and he was being very selfish about it. I know he's old and I know that he's only got me to take care of him and entertain him, but at 30 years old I need some sort of life and when it got to the stage that it's still at now where I'm made to feel that I can't go to bed when I want, get up when I want, use my computer or my own fucking mobile phone when i want, it sends me climbing up the crazy tree. It's a very claustrophobic situation and one that there is no way out of. So, anyway, I digressed, he started to get over the holiday thing and started to get onboard with the idea of me going away and having a break (even gave me $200.00) but slowly over the last two weeks we've slipped back.
Grandad is barely talking to me now. He's always miserable and he won't start up a conversation with me and when I talk to him he just about grunts out a response. He stalks around in the middle of the night, mutters to himself continually and this morning I came down to find him just staring at the TV which was off. The fact that he was doing that is a sure sign that he's about to go of his trolly. The whole thing is so draining and it makes me feel more and more bitter towards him. Why the fuck do I bother with the old bastard? No-one else does. Why has it all fallen down to me? I'm just one person and all I'm asking is to be able to go through my life relatively happy. I don't have much of a social life anymore because it isn't worth his tantrums everytime I go out. Don't get me wrong, I am a solitary person anyway, but I would like to visit my close friends without The Fear.
This will be my last holiday while my Grandad is living. I can't go through this again. It's too much. And it makes me wish he was dead because I can't stand living like this anymore.