「The Tear Of Joy」《Chapter 11》
Title:: The Tear Of Joy
Pairing:: Ohno Satoshi/OC, Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari
Genre:: angst, romance, drama, office!au
Length:: chaptered
Word Count:: 6842 words
Rating:: PG-13
Even during his dreams, his head ached. Only then, he realized how stupid he had been for having drunk so much last night. His mind did not remember the half of what happened. How could he still do such things? More having to work the next morning… Wait. What time was it? Satoshi opened his eyes in a hurry to look at the clock and find it was almost 10 am. His heart pounded, already visualizing a ‘you’re fired' paper on his desk. With that in mind, he jumped out of the bed, being unlucky for having to stop at the next second due to a very hard headache. He could not do anything correctly.
“C'mon, at least go the rest of the day” he tried to encourage himself and go to the kitchen so he would take a painkiller. Just when he was swallowing the pill, he remembered. Everything. The bar, the street, the car, the sofa, even the bed. Immediately, he looked around, finding nothing related to Kazunari, neither in the living room nor in the bedroom. It was like he had not been last night there. Ohno actually was doubting if what he was remembering had happened in reality. Whatever it was, he needed to take a shower quickly just in case, dress up and go to the office as soon as possible. Otherwise, his feeling of being fired would become true.
That was why, luckily fifteen minutes after, he was already taking his car. During the path, as he could not go faster, he took advantage to think a while about the details of the last night. Somehow, he remembered Jun carried him out of the bar and Ninomiya took him to his house. After… He flushed when his mind recalled that moment on the sofa and so deep inside of him, he regretted not having been fully conscious meanwhile… Returning to the subject, he was unable to recover more memory, but his detective side understood that Kazunari had to dress him up and take him to the bed, because when he finished, Satoshi fell asleep without a doubt. However, he still had questions. Had Ninomiya slept with him? When did he leave? Why did he leave? It was not like Ohno did not understand the fact that his wife lived in that house and slept in that bed everyday, but Ohno truly liked hugging him during nights… Well, maybe that night they could, after all, his wife had said she would come back in two days. They had free way to be together all they wanted. However, although he tried to be happy about it, he knew perfectly he did not have the right to be glad because of that.
If you weren't cheating on anyone…
Everything would be easier. Ohno knew it as better as nobody. Then, why did he not do anything regarding it? He was too coward to do it… It seemed he preferred all that pain instead of just overcoming his fears and possibly that was the worst of all of that story. If he were strong enough to choose Ninomiya and forget the woman who was called as his wife… If he were brave enough… Why…? What did he need to be able to do the step? Possibly, he would try to solve it when it would not have any solution possible. That was how stupid he was.
*****
Half an hour after, he arrived to the building running. Everyone was looking at him, Ohno did not know if they were wondering why he was running or if they thought he was crazy straight. Whatever it was, he did not care and took the elevator. Two hours later were already too much like not to be punished, however Satoshi was scared of what Ninomiya would do. He could choose to torture him in the office or on a bed, and sincerely, he preferred in the office.
Finally arriving to his department, everyone there stared at him surprised, some of them just glanced at him, others greeted him, but a few muttered between them. Ohno sighed, trying not to care about it anymore and walked straight to his desk, with the bad luck that he was looking at the floor and did not see how someone came out of his boss's office. Thanks that he stopped on time, he did not crash against Ninomiya, who was looking at him intensively. It was like he was waiting some type of explanation. Why? He already knew everything. Then, what did he want?
“Good hour to arrive” he raised his eyebrow with sarcasm. Ohno could only beg him not to do a scene in front of all his coworkers. Otherwise, he would have all the attention he did not want. And sincerely, Satoshi was already so fed up of being the person who to talk about. At least, they could do it on his face instead of behind the corners while murmuring.
“I'm sorry…” he chose just to apologize with a bow and try to escape from his trap, but of course Ninomiya was smarter than that.
“Don’t drink again like last night. Much less if you have to work the next day” the boss scolded him, his voice was not loud, however everyone was listening. Even Jun, who was observing them with a poker face. Ohno glanced at his friend and nodded slightly as a signal he needed to talk. At the same moment, Ninomiya moved his head to see what he was doing and when he found out his answer, the sigh was evident.
“I won't” his reply was brief, maybe just trying to show how uncomfortable he was there or how he did not know what to answer. Kazunari seemed absent for a few seconds until he came back.
“Follow me, I have work for you in my office” suddenly he said and started to walk. Ohno could not say no, mostly because Ninomiya was inside of the room already, so he ran a bit to be alone with him and get that work to do. At first he thought it was just an excuse to talk alone, but when he closed the door and saw how his boss was just catching some papers, his expectations were broken instantly. Perhaps, he was who had to do the step and talk.
“Did you stay last night?” he asked embarrassed. Ninomiya stopped hastily when he heard the question.
“No. I left you sleeping and went away” he continued after that short explanation. Ohno was disappointed, however, he did not feel with the right of complaining. After all, if the situation had been upside down, Satoshi would have not slept in the same bed Ninomiya's wife was using.
“You could just put the alarm clock…” he diverted the subject to release a bit of tension. Then, Kazunari approached to bring him the documents.
“I knew you needed to sleep” as always, his excuses were contradictory.
“Then, why do you scold me in front of everyone?” he pouted deeply. Slowly, Ninomiya touched his nose with his index finger.
“You already gave them enough reasons yesterday to make them think there's something weird between us. I just tried to sort it out somehow” Satoshi did not like what he said. Not because of Ninomiya being a rude boss, but because he did not remember what he had done. No wonder now why people only talked about him.
“I don't know if I want to ask what I did…” he looked down, disappointed by himself and his actions. Last night, he just tried to drink a bit to see if he could get some answers, but instead, he got to risk everything that easily.
“Leaning your head on my shoulder was not a good idea” Kazunari laughed as if it was okay, however Satoshi only widened his eyes. How could he…? Suddenly, a hand caressed his face. “Don’t worry” his voice was tender and the palm of his hand truly warm. That was why he could not stop himself when his own one caught Ninomiya's.
“How can't I?” he showed his concern through his voice. It was too dangerous to take it as easy as that.
“Because I'm with you” that unexpected reply made his heart go as crazy into his chest. Had he just said such a thing? Was that true? His eyes only transmitted sincerity no matter what and Satoshi ended up smiling to release that tension in some way. His gaze looked down by how nervous he was feeling, so abruptly his nose felt a touch, and when he wanted to discover what it was, his boss was kissing his lips tenderly. Once again, that seemed poison, which made him relax and allow him to continue it by sucking his lower lip slightly. Possibly, a few seconds had already gone by, but he wanted more, that was why he started it again titling his head a bit this time. Kazunari only answered him with more kisses until he stopped when a noise outside scared them. Ohno stayed close to him and then he realized there was still free way to go on, his lips left soft pecks on his jaw. He did not know why, the desire inside of him was stronger than his consciousness at that moment. The more he handled being with Ninomiya in that way, the more he wanted to shout how badly he desired that man. It was becoming unstoppable, a feeling which had its own life. Satoshi was unable to control him. And being sincere, he did not know if he was even trying to.
“Do you want to meet me in my house at 9 pm?” the boss asked him while his game of small kisses was still in process. He was truly glad of hearing such an invitation.
“Of course, I will stop in my house first to change clothes and I'll be there” after his answer, a soft kiss made their lips be together again. But somehow, Satoshi felt him tense without a proper reason.
“I’d like to talk with you about something there” he explained with dubious eyes. Ohno was unable not to frown, however he nodded with a light smile. Whatever it was, he wanted to hear it. “Then, go to work, I will see you there” he pecked his lips before doing a step backwards and Satoshi bit his lower lip when he was exiting the office in silence. Now he had to act as someone who had been scolded severely. How could he after so many kisses and secret meetings? The adrenaline through his veins was killing his sanity, just desiring to be in his apartment as soon as possible.
I wonder what you want to talk about…
*****
Lunch time had arrived and he was in the rooftop beside his friend while eating a sandwich from a machine. It was delicious and he was happy. He was mumbling a song meanwhile which had stuck in his brain before. He was not bothered by that, it was nice to sing it under the sun that day. “Hey, why are you this happy?” Jun put a disgusting grimace and Ohno laughed hard.
“What do you mean? I'm normal” he answered with a shining smile on his face. Even like that, he listened to his friend's sigh.
“Since your wife is out and you're only with Kazunari, you seem the happiest man in the Earth” Jun commented while looking away and Ohno opened his mouth.
“What are you saying!” his voice was louder than what he wanted and that only showed more how reason he had. The employee only bit another piece of his sandwich and chewed it not caring about his opinion.
“I saw you two yesterday” suddenly, he confessed and Ohno frowned. “Ninomiya asked me in the bathroom to take you out so he would take you home” he was so serious that Satoshi had goosebumps, he wondered where he wanted to go with all of that because he did not remember almost anything of that. “You hugged and kissed him with a bright in your eyes I've never seen in you before” that opinion destroyed the small wall he had built between his heart and his true feelings. Was he opening his eyes?
“That can't be…” Ohno shook his head slowly, Ninomiya was only a person to have fun with, to release his sexual tension. He needed to believe that. Otherwise…
“But the best was how he treated you…” Jun raised his both eyebrows. “He was only caring about not being discovered… For you” his voice reflected how amazed he was. Even like that, Ohno stood up.
“You don't know anything…” his tone was agitated. He was truly nervous after knowing that. “He was not protecting me, he was protecting himself. How would he-?”
“Why are you so blind?!” suddenly, Jun spat hastily, cutting his words and breath instantly. The two friends looked at each other in a weird atmosphere. Possibly, he was blind. But maybe he needed not to see so he would not be hurt. “He’s so in love with you, you just need to see how he looks at you!” Matsumoto yelled at him taking advantage no one else was near. Ohno only bit his lower lip with trembling chin. He did not want to know that. Ninomiya could not love him. It was impossible. Otherwise, he would be so hurt because of his fault and selfishness. Just because he fell in the trap of a few kisses and hugs… If he had thought properly since the first moment…If he had thought about him since the first kiss… Ninomiya would have never known about him as more as another employee there. No one of them would have started to feel more than attraction inside of their hearts. Because yes, he knew very well his feelings. Every kiss, caress, word spoken to him… Kazunari showed how much he meant for him with every act. Even blind and refusing anything, it was impossible Satoshi would not notice it. Nevertheless, he did not understand its meaning until Jun said it clearly in his face.
“I will return to work” that was his last reply to his friend before throwing the rest of his sandwich to the trash bin and walk away from his side. Right before entering the building again, he shouted at him for last time.
“Running away is not the solution!” he knew it. Better than anyone else. There was no need to say it. There had been no need to say him all of that suddenly. How would he be able to overcome his next meeting with Kazunari from now on? Only at that moment, his mind had understood what that feeling had been since the first time Ninomiya looked at him. He had never believed in love at first sight, but maybe connection. That connection he felt when they talked for first time in that office and which had never disappeared since that day. It was like their hearts possessed the same red string which connected their souls and made them know more than their professional side to find a more personal face, which he loved in Kazunari. Maybe it was fate… Then, if it was fate, why did he have to be married with such a woman?
*****
He was already arriving to his house before going to meet Ninomiya. He needed to be alone for a while and think how to overcome this night with him. Also, he wanted to talk about something. Nothing seemed as nice… And he was a scared mess at that moment. The day had not been easy because of all his thoughts. Besides, Jun did not talk to him again since the lunch, probably he was just giving him space and time to think about his comments, but even like that, he was the only one who helped him when his mind was so confused about Ninomiya. Now he did not have anyone. And he would have to face Kazunari alone.
Sighing deeply, he put the key inside the door lock and opened it to come in his house. The first thing he thought was why there was a light on. Maybe he had left it that morning because he had to run so much, but it was so weird in him. Then, he understood it when he discovered his wife's shoes there. Had she returned? His eyes were so widened and his brain could only think of doing one thing.
“Yoko?” he called her dubiously. Right after saying his name, the door of the kitchen was opened and a woman appeared. Indeed, his wife was there, in front of him. Why? Did she not say she would come back in two days? Why was she back?
“Hi, darling. The trip ended before it was expected” she smiled at him with soft expression, but when Ohno approached her, he could see something weird in her eyes. What happened?
“Is something wrong?” he asked her while entering the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Now he needed an excuse to go out. What was a good idea?
“I found something out while I was there… You should sit down” her voice was calm, but even like that, Ohno could assure it was not normal in her. For some reason, he sat down on a chair just in case. Was it that bad? “You know…? I'm pregnant” she tried to smile, but perhaps it was Ohno's face which made her stay serious. He became pale. Like a ghost. Like if he was dead. Actually, he felt like not living at that exact second right after hearing and understanding what she meant.
“When…? How…?” his voice was a mutter. His throat was truly dry even after drinking the whole glass. His wife caught his hand, but it was cold as the ice.
“It’s just like six weeks. I bet it was that night when your boss stayed here and we did it” she explained when. Ohno was regretting his whole existence. If Kazunari had not jerked off in front of his face, he would not have felt that way and they would not have made love. Even that day Satoshi was not thinking about her, why should he carry with such a guilt?
“But weren't you taking the pills?” he wondered that. How was that possible?
“Well, I thought that after a year being married, it was time already for creating a family and… I stopped taking them. I wanted it to be a surprise for you” she explained with a shy smile, however Satoshi frowned deeply hurt by that. Was a child like a Christmas present for her?
“Why didn’t you ask me first?!” he spat angrily. The vein of his neck was truly marked and almost exploding. His wife just looked at him scared and sad.
“You're always working and so stressed that-“
“You don't have the right to decide such a thing for me!” Ohno yelled at her like just a few times not to say like never and stood up. His mind was full of questions and fears. More than before, he was lost and afraid of what would happen. Was he going to be father?
“Darling, please. You should be happy for our child” she was almost crying, pain reflected in her eyes. However, Ohno was truly affected by that. How could she decide that by herself? What type of parents would that child have? They were destined to fail as a marriage. Then, what would happen to that poor, innocent creature from now on? That boy or girl did not deserve a bad life just because their parents did not know how to do the things properly. How was she unable to see that? How much would that naïve soul suffer because of their fault?
Suddenly, he exited the kitchen and took his shoes. Yoko ran after him. “Where are you going?!” her voice was anguished. Not more than he himself.
“I need to take fresh air” that brief explanation was too short for her. But he did not care. No matter how many times his name was spoken behind him. No matter how her voice sounded as if she was crying. Nothing else mattered at that night. Now, he was really ruined. He had no escape already. There was no way he was able to break ties with her after knowing they were going to be parents. What he was going to do that night, the plan he had with Kazunari ended up in the trash bin. Everything he had planned for them. Finally, when he was already choosing. It was impossible he would leave that creature alone in this world without a protection. He had to pay for all the pain he had caused because of his selfishness, so for first time in a few months, he was going to choose his path because of that child's sake instead of his. It was what he had to do. Ohno was old enough to protect himself. He was going to be okay. Now, there would be another person who would need him more than anything. And refusing that fact would be the most horrible thing he could do in his life.
Then, after having his ideas clear, his mind focused and his expression as cold as never, his finger rang the bell. His heart pounded those ten seconds Ninomiya took to open the door and greet him with a tender smile. It changed when Satoshi continued with his poker face even when he was inside and both sat down around the table, shoulder against shoulder as always. He could not talk, at least not to break the ice. What he was going to do was already too difficult like to add more hard things to fulfil. Slowly, Kazunari touched his leg and rubbed it with his thumb. Even that small show of affection tried to break his strength. No matter what he needed to keep going on. He was able to.
“I want to tell you something” Kazunari spoken abruptly in the middle of the silence. However, Ohno needed to say it as soon as possible, before he would break and end up crying as a fool.
“Let me talk first please. I have to tell you something important too” he did not know how his mouth finally talked that coldly. After that, his hand disappeared from his leg and he felt hopelessly hurt.
“Go on” Ninomiya became cold too after having understood his behaviour.
I'm sorry…
“I won't be able to stay this night with you” he started in that part without knowing too well how to continue after. “Neither today nor any night more in the future” he confessed with his heart in his hand. Why was it aching as strong as nothing else? How was he able to be doing such a betrayal towards Ninomiya?
“What do you mean?” even though, he asked with calm voice, his eyes did blink a lot, exposing how nervous he was. It was now or never.
“I’m going to be father” he announced straight, carelessly. As a rock falling from the sky over him. But it was better like that. At least once in their lives they were going to say it clearly instead of finding excuses. Ohno needed to be frank with Ninomiya. However, the man beside him kept silent. Then, Satoshi turned his head to watch how his boss did not move a single muscle of his body. Why was he having the feeling of being hurting him as no one else? Without thinking, his hand was placed over his shoulder to get some type of reaction. Not thinking it could be that cold, Kazunari moved his arm hastily and stood up to walk to the veranda. Was he okay? Ohno felt horrible. It was all his fault.
“Congratulations” suddenly that was spoken and Satoshi had to control his chin because it was trembling by how much rage he had inside of him. That was why he stood up and stayed beside him, looking at the night together. Slowly, he dared to glance at him. Ninomiya had an absent expression, as if he was lost in a far away place and not there with him.
“I wasn't searching that child. I promise it was all her plan” he explained himself with anguished voice as if he needed him to believe in his words, as if he had cheated on him instead of on his wife.
“But for that you had to have sex with her” he spoke with a husky tone, as if talking was hard for him. Ohno looked down, feeling ashamed of it. “At least tell me a thing. Did you do it with both at the same time?” his gaze was stuck in the cloudy sky.
He panicked for some reason. “No…” his answer at the next second. At last, Kazunari looked at him after so much time without meeting those hazel eyes. “The last time we did it was when you stayed in my house, after that… I only did it with you…” his eyes tried to maintain that strength in Ninomiya's until getting his answer, but Satoshi was unable if he noticed how much pain was inside of them.
“Why that day?” he asked fast. His eyes burning Ohno despicably. Was it time to say the truth?
“You were so drunk that when I took you to the bedroom and removed your clothes… You started to jerk off in front of me…” he confessed with his head down. He bit his lower lip, knowing if that would not have happened…
“Why didn’t you tell me the next morning?!” suddenly, he shouted at him, possibly being unable to control his anger anymore already.
“I don't know!” he yelled back, his nerves in their limit. Ninomiya sighed deeply and did a step closer to him. Ohno looked up taken aback. What did he want?
“You haven’t answered me, though. Why that day?” he tried to know everything and the employee knew he was truly screwed. If he did not answer, he would seem as hiding something. If he answered, he would tell the truth. If he lied, he would not seem convincing as long as he was so nervous. What should he do then? If he answered what he felt…
“I just wanted to show myself I didn’t like men…” maybe in this way, Ninomiya would not understand it. But how naïve he was yet with him. As if they did not know each other too well. He had fallen in his trap completely.
“Why did you have to show it to yourself?” Ninomiya approached until the point of rubbing their noises. His hands were pressed against his torso to make him go away, but they became two fists which were grabbing his white shirt. Why was he that weak? Even in such circumstances, if Ninomiya was near him, he had no control. How horrible could he be?
“Because after watching you, I felt so hot…” he confessed almost against his lips, probably not caring anymore about what he was saying and only staring at those thin lips which were inviting him to taste them all the times he wanted. That was the type of human he was. Even expecting a child, he was unable to set his desires aside. To forget that man that easily.
“Tell me. Did you think of me meanwhile?” one of his boss's hands caressed his neck, his thumb rubbing his cheek. Then, his nose made a path across his cheek. All those touches were driving him crazy, he could not think clearly anymore.
“Yes… The whole time…” suddenly, when he noticed what he had done, a hard guilt fulfilled his heart. Everything was wrong, his life was wrong. There was not a single good thing done by him. He cheated on his wife, he used Ninomiya, he left his wife pregnant while thinking about another man, and when he knew he was going to have a child, he dared to be flirting with his boss. He was the worst. The worst scum of that world.
Suddenly, a hard sob was created by his throat and without a doubt, he hid his head on his shoulder. His weeping became harder and harder wondering why he had done everything as pathetic as his life. At the end, he would lose all he had at that moment. For being such a despicable man. All he tried so hard by being that selfish would disappear in front of his eyes as punishment. The worst was that he knew he deserved it. “I’m so sorry…” he sobbed against his clothes, staining the shirt with his tears. He only felt how Ninomiya hugged him strongly. Again those arms protecting him of himself. Because after all, his most horrible enemy was himself.
“I don't have to forgive anything…” abruptly, he said that, soft beside his ear. Ohno closed his eyes harshly because of the pain in his chest. How could he be such a good man? How could he waste his time with him? He deserved much better. He deserved all the best of that word. Just for caring about him after all Ohno did to him. “C’mon, wipe your tears and go home. You have to take care of your wife” Kazunari spoke with a forced smile when Satoshi raised his head. Slowly, both hands of his boss dried his cheeks with his thumbs. “We both knew this had to end someday when we started it” his wise words reached Ohno's heart and he realized how he did not want it to have an end. Not with Ninomiya. He wanted it to last forever. Why could it not be like that?
Satoshi dried his both eyes, stopped his weeping while breathing deeply and put his most serious face. “I hope we can work properly from now on, boss” he bowed as much as he could and contained his tears when he was not looking at him, but at the floor. After a few seconds, he raised his body again to see how Ninomiya nodded even after saying such a meaningful sentence. Coming back to be just boss and employee. No more kisses, no more hugs, no more meetings, no more nights together, no more smiles between them, no more secrets in the office, no more love to give or to receive. It was over.
“I'll see you tomorrow in the office, Ohno” he said with a polite voice. That warmth had disappeared. That confidence was not existing between them anymore. What they were used to do now was just so out of place. Both of them had to learn how to treat each other as just another employee in that company. To learn how to work together without feeling that pain or those feelings inside their hearts. To learn how to forget what they had lived; what they had done; what they had said; and if it was possible, how to forget what they felt for each other. So a big part of all of that would be easier.
That was why Ohno looked down and turned around to walk to the door. He waited two seconds while grabbing the handle, maybe wishing it to be a dream, to wake up beside him or maybe just wanting Ninomiya to stop him. But when he looked behind, Kazunari was just observing the sky still in the veranda without turning back. “Bye Kazunari…” he muttered with a sad smile and exited that apartment. His legs refused to walk properly, they were shivering hard as his whole body. He was so cold since Kazunari stopped hugging him for last time. If he could have another chance, he would do it differently. Just to be able to hug him back and feel okay. To be able to be with him and not feel guilty about it. However now, every time he would look at his wife, he would feel as the worst man in the world. Because the memories would always keep with him. What he did. It was impossible to forget. He was impossible to forget.
*****
Slowly, he opened the door of his house and entered doubting what would happen between his wife and him. By the moment, he removed his shoes and place them in a side. When he looked up, there she was staring at him with soft eyes. Gulping all his past in a second, he approached her and hugged her waist tenderly while placing a hand on her belly. So inside it, their child was growing up slowly. He rubbed it with a thumb, as trying to protect it. At least he wanted to do something correctly. And life had given him another chance to try it.
“I'm sorry about before. I was too surprised” he apologized with sweet voice while Yoko was smiling to him. Her hand touched his face and kissed his cheek.
“It's okay, I'm sorry too, you're right, I should have talked with you…” she regretted while leaning her head on his shoulder and Ohno rubbed her back with a hand.
“Don't worry. Now it's time to be a family, okay?” he spoke and she smiled happily before nodding. Then, when they were looking at each other, his wife moved her nose weirdly.
“Do I stink too much? I worked a lot today, let me take a bath” he sighed. He desired a hot bath to relax and remove any of his caresses so at least he would be clean outside. Just before he went inside the bathroom, his wife talked to him.
“Weren’t you with another person?” her question made his blood stop running through his veins. Did she know? How? When? Maybe, she was just asking to know what he had done outside as always. Yes, possibly it was that. There was no reason to panic. He only needed to lie for last time and take that bath.
“No, I just walked around” his voice was supposed to be normal, but it trembled slightly. He glanced at his wife to see what she was thinking.
“I just wondered because it was late” she smiled as if it had been a naïve question and Satoshi sighed relieved. Everything was okay. He nodded and entered the bathroom. The water was already prepared so he only had to remove his clothes. Before coming inside, Satoshi caught his phone. Once inside it, he closed his eyes five seconds to order his mind. That day had been crazy. Everything he knew yesterday was messed up in a few hours. Only being under the water, finally a warmth surrounding his body again, he realized what he had done. At last, his mind could understand what all of that meant.
He had lost Ninomiya.
There was no turning back. He had already said goodbye to his boss. At first he thought it was a proper idea for his future and the ones around him. But of course, now that his loneliness was coming back, he was feeling all the rage he did not when he talked with him in his house. His dead eyes, his tired body, his weak caresses, his dry lips. Ninomiya had seemed as defeated when they were in the veranda and only now he could realize it. He remembered his image. And how Ninomiya never told him what he had planned to since the morning. Indeed, he was so selfish with him. Just going there to break ties with him in that way and not noticing how broken and alone Kazunari had been left. Maybe it was better like that, after all, Satoshi was just an egoist human. Not enough for someone as precious as Ninomiya. Perhaps he could be happier with someone else. Even if the idea of letting another person touch him was destroying him…
We can't be jealous of each other…
He remembered that chat after their first time. They had always been so blind. As Jun said, he did not want to see what was in front of him. He was too scared of accepting it and more now that it would be only painful as long as it was over with him. Nothing remained between them but a professional relationship. He would not talk with him again, he would not meet him alone again, he would not hug or kiss him again. All of that was over. And why was he crying like that after an hour since they talked? Why did all that pain was hunting him that savagely? His hands tried to erase the tears, however it was impossible as long as they were falling so fast without a stop. Satoshi felt so powerless that his fist hit the water hard, staining everything with water around. He sobbed wondering why his warmth was not surrounding him anymore, why his sweet words were not echoing in his ears anymore, why his lips were not kissing him anymore, why Ninomiya had let him go. He was missing everything. Any part of him. He only wished for a last kiss… where he could show all his love… How he needed him. How happy he was beside him. What he made him feel inside without control. Ninomiya should know at least what that had meant for him. Then, why had he only said the worst part and run away as a coward? No matter what, he was a coward in front of his boss because his heart beat so fast he felt weak. Because his body was shaken if he was close. Because his mind was lost if his skin felt his touch. And that scared him more than anything. What would happen if he fell again? It seemed so easy…
I can't allow it…
Suddenly, he grabbed his phone and opened their chat. He gulped when he read their last messages once again, but at the next second his fingers were erasing the whole chat. Probably, it would never be filled with tender sentences again. Then, he went to the calls register and erased all from Ninomiya. For sure his boss would never call him again. At the end, he opened the agenda and searched for his contact. With a lot of regrets and pain, he tapped the erasing button and it disappeared. He would not need it again. It was better like that. He just had to get used. No matter how he disliked it. He had to pay for what he had done and be a man from that moment on.
So decided to fulfil that, he stood up from the bath and dried his body, especially his face. Then, forgetting what his mind was desiring to see when he would open that door, he just went out to appear in the kitchen and find his dinner there made by his wife, who was sat already with a smile. Ohno smiled at her back and sat down beside her to enjoy her food. He was not hungry, though.
Slowly, the image of his life before Kazunari appeared started to come again. Maybe that was what had to have happened since the first day. Perhaps that was his destiny. And he only had to accept it without complains or excuses. There was no space for Ninomiya in his life. Not anymore. It was already late for it. And he only had to accept it no matter how it hurt him.
“Isn’t it good? I can prepare another thing if you want”
“No, no” he answered her fast. It was so good, but his stomach was a closed ball. “It’s just that I'm not too hungry. I can eat the leftovers as a bento tomorrow” he proposed not to waste all that food and his wife smiled.
“That's a good idea, I will do it now. Search for it in the fridge tomorrow” she stood up to make his bento willingly. Slowly, that nice feeling was returning to him. Maybe he could be even happy with her after all. That was why he stood up and hugged her. His whole body was tense by the pain it was not the person he wanted, but even like that, he kissed her cheek.
“Thank you” he muttered beside her ear and Yoko giggled. Slowly, she turned her head around and without thinking about it too much, Satoshi kissed her lips. They were so different. His heart did not feel the same. It was empty already. No matter how hard he tried. The love he felt for her had gone.
“Go to sleep, you seem so tired” she spoke softly and Ohno nodded before breaking the hug and walking to the bedroom. He was empty. His eyes only looked at the ceiling. Was that living? Would all that pain become happiness someday?
It's all your fault Kazunari… You were who made me fall in love with you…
//Hi! New chapter on Tuesday as always! :D you can kill me if you want JAJAJAJA they are so screwed now :'))) Now separated, only employee and boss, Ohno waiting a child... What will happen from now on? Ninomiya seemed as letting him go at the end, and Ohno seems so stubborn in protecting the child... Is their fate to be separated?
Hope you will find it in the next chapters ^~^ thanks for all the support!
Pairing:: Ohno Satoshi/OC, Ohno Satoshi/Ninomiya Kazunari
Genre:: angst, romance, drama, office!au
Length:: chaptered
Word Count:: 6842 words
Rating:: PG-13
Even during his dreams, his head ached. Only then, he realized how stupid he had been for having drunk so much last night. His mind did not remember the half of what happened. How could he still do such things? More having to work the next morning… Wait. What time was it? Satoshi opened his eyes in a hurry to look at the clock and find it was almost 10 am. His heart pounded, already visualizing a ‘you’re fired' paper on his desk. With that in mind, he jumped out of the bed, being unlucky for having to stop at the next second due to a very hard headache. He could not do anything correctly.
“C'mon, at least go the rest of the day” he tried to encourage himself and go to the kitchen so he would take a painkiller. Just when he was swallowing the pill, he remembered. Everything. The bar, the street, the car, the sofa, even the bed. Immediately, he looked around, finding nothing related to Kazunari, neither in the living room nor in the bedroom. It was like he had not been last night there. Ohno actually was doubting if what he was remembering had happened in reality. Whatever it was, he needed to take a shower quickly just in case, dress up and go to the office as soon as possible. Otherwise, his feeling of being fired would become true.
That was why, luckily fifteen minutes after, he was already taking his car. During the path, as he could not go faster, he took advantage to think a while about the details of the last night. Somehow, he remembered Jun carried him out of the bar and Ninomiya took him to his house. After… He flushed when his mind recalled that moment on the sofa and so deep inside of him, he regretted not having been fully conscious meanwhile… Returning to the subject, he was unable to recover more memory, but his detective side understood that Kazunari had to dress him up and take him to the bed, because when he finished, Satoshi fell asleep without a doubt. However, he still had questions. Had Ninomiya slept with him? When did he leave? Why did he leave? It was not like Ohno did not understand the fact that his wife lived in that house and slept in that bed everyday, but Ohno truly liked hugging him during nights… Well, maybe that night they could, after all, his wife had said she would come back in two days. They had free way to be together all they wanted. However, although he tried to be happy about it, he knew perfectly he did not have the right to be glad because of that.
If you weren't cheating on anyone…
Everything would be easier. Ohno knew it as better as nobody. Then, why did he not do anything regarding it? He was too coward to do it… It seemed he preferred all that pain instead of just overcoming his fears and possibly that was the worst of all of that story. If he were strong enough to choose Ninomiya and forget the woman who was called as his wife… If he were brave enough… Why…? What did he need to be able to do the step? Possibly, he would try to solve it when it would not have any solution possible. That was how stupid he was.
*****
Half an hour after, he arrived to the building running. Everyone was looking at him, Ohno did not know if they were wondering why he was running or if they thought he was crazy straight. Whatever it was, he did not care and took the elevator. Two hours later were already too much like not to be punished, however Satoshi was scared of what Ninomiya would do. He could choose to torture him in the office or on a bed, and sincerely, he preferred in the office.
Finally arriving to his department, everyone there stared at him surprised, some of them just glanced at him, others greeted him, but a few muttered between them. Ohno sighed, trying not to care about it anymore and walked straight to his desk, with the bad luck that he was looking at the floor and did not see how someone came out of his boss's office. Thanks that he stopped on time, he did not crash against Ninomiya, who was looking at him intensively. It was like he was waiting some type of explanation. Why? He already knew everything. Then, what did he want?
“Good hour to arrive” he raised his eyebrow with sarcasm. Ohno could only beg him not to do a scene in front of all his coworkers. Otherwise, he would have all the attention he did not want. And sincerely, Satoshi was already so fed up of being the person who to talk about. At least, they could do it on his face instead of behind the corners while murmuring.
“I'm sorry…” he chose just to apologize with a bow and try to escape from his trap, but of course Ninomiya was smarter than that.
“Don’t drink again like last night. Much less if you have to work the next day” the boss scolded him, his voice was not loud, however everyone was listening. Even Jun, who was observing them with a poker face. Ohno glanced at his friend and nodded slightly as a signal he needed to talk. At the same moment, Ninomiya moved his head to see what he was doing and when he found out his answer, the sigh was evident.
“I won't” his reply was brief, maybe just trying to show how uncomfortable he was there or how he did not know what to answer. Kazunari seemed absent for a few seconds until he came back.
“Follow me, I have work for you in my office” suddenly he said and started to walk. Ohno could not say no, mostly because Ninomiya was inside of the room already, so he ran a bit to be alone with him and get that work to do. At first he thought it was just an excuse to talk alone, but when he closed the door and saw how his boss was just catching some papers, his expectations were broken instantly. Perhaps, he was who had to do the step and talk.
“Did you stay last night?” he asked embarrassed. Ninomiya stopped hastily when he heard the question.
“No. I left you sleeping and went away” he continued after that short explanation. Ohno was disappointed, however, he did not feel with the right of complaining. After all, if the situation had been upside down, Satoshi would have not slept in the same bed Ninomiya's wife was using.
“You could just put the alarm clock…” he diverted the subject to release a bit of tension. Then, Kazunari approached to bring him the documents.
“I knew you needed to sleep” as always, his excuses were contradictory.
“Then, why do you scold me in front of everyone?” he pouted deeply. Slowly, Ninomiya touched his nose with his index finger.
“You already gave them enough reasons yesterday to make them think there's something weird between us. I just tried to sort it out somehow” Satoshi did not like what he said. Not because of Ninomiya being a rude boss, but because he did not remember what he had done. No wonder now why people only talked about him.
“I don't know if I want to ask what I did…” he looked down, disappointed by himself and his actions. Last night, he just tried to drink a bit to see if he could get some answers, but instead, he got to risk everything that easily.
“Leaning your head on my shoulder was not a good idea” Kazunari laughed as if it was okay, however Satoshi only widened his eyes. How could he…? Suddenly, a hand caressed his face. “Don’t worry” his voice was tender and the palm of his hand truly warm. That was why he could not stop himself when his own one caught Ninomiya's.
“How can't I?” he showed his concern through his voice. It was too dangerous to take it as easy as that.
“Because I'm with you” that unexpected reply made his heart go as crazy into his chest. Had he just said such a thing? Was that true? His eyes only transmitted sincerity no matter what and Satoshi ended up smiling to release that tension in some way. His gaze looked down by how nervous he was feeling, so abruptly his nose felt a touch, and when he wanted to discover what it was, his boss was kissing his lips tenderly. Once again, that seemed poison, which made him relax and allow him to continue it by sucking his lower lip slightly. Possibly, a few seconds had already gone by, but he wanted more, that was why he started it again titling his head a bit this time. Kazunari only answered him with more kisses until he stopped when a noise outside scared them. Ohno stayed close to him and then he realized there was still free way to go on, his lips left soft pecks on his jaw. He did not know why, the desire inside of him was stronger than his consciousness at that moment. The more he handled being with Ninomiya in that way, the more he wanted to shout how badly he desired that man. It was becoming unstoppable, a feeling which had its own life. Satoshi was unable to control him. And being sincere, he did not know if he was even trying to.
“Do you want to meet me in my house at 9 pm?” the boss asked him while his game of small kisses was still in process. He was truly glad of hearing such an invitation.
“Of course, I will stop in my house first to change clothes and I'll be there” after his answer, a soft kiss made their lips be together again. But somehow, Satoshi felt him tense without a proper reason.
“I’d like to talk with you about something there” he explained with dubious eyes. Ohno was unable not to frown, however he nodded with a light smile. Whatever it was, he wanted to hear it. “Then, go to work, I will see you there” he pecked his lips before doing a step backwards and Satoshi bit his lower lip when he was exiting the office in silence. Now he had to act as someone who had been scolded severely. How could he after so many kisses and secret meetings? The adrenaline through his veins was killing his sanity, just desiring to be in his apartment as soon as possible.
I wonder what you want to talk about…
*****
Lunch time had arrived and he was in the rooftop beside his friend while eating a sandwich from a machine. It was delicious and he was happy. He was mumbling a song meanwhile which had stuck in his brain before. He was not bothered by that, it was nice to sing it under the sun that day. “Hey, why are you this happy?” Jun put a disgusting grimace and Ohno laughed hard.
“What do you mean? I'm normal” he answered with a shining smile on his face. Even like that, he listened to his friend's sigh.
“Since your wife is out and you're only with Kazunari, you seem the happiest man in the Earth” Jun commented while looking away and Ohno opened his mouth.
“What are you saying!” his voice was louder than what he wanted and that only showed more how reason he had. The employee only bit another piece of his sandwich and chewed it not caring about his opinion.
“I saw you two yesterday” suddenly, he confessed and Ohno frowned. “Ninomiya asked me in the bathroom to take you out so he would take you home” he was so serious that Satoshi had goosebumps, he wondered where he wanted to go with all of that because he did not remember almost anything of that. “You hugged and kissed him with a bright in your eyes I've never seen in you before” that opinion destroyed the small wall he had built between his heart and his true feelings. Was he opening his eyes?
“That can't be…” Ohno shook his head slowly, Ninomiya was only a person to have fun with, to release his sexual tension. He needed to believe that. Otherwise…
“But the best was how he treated you…” Jun raised his both eyebrows. “He was only caring about not being discovered… For you” his voice reflected how amazed he was. Even like that, Ohno stood up.
“You don't know anything…” his tone was agitated. He was truly nervous after knowing that. “He was not protecting me, he was protecting himself. How would he-?”
“Why are you so blind?!” suddenly, Jun spat hastily, cutting his words and breath instantly. The two friends looked at each other in a weird atmosphere. Possibly, he was blind. But maybe he needed not to see so he would not be hurt. “He’s so in love with you, you just need to see how he looks at you!” Matsumoto yelled at him taking advantage no one else was near. Ohno only bit his lower lip with trembling chin. He did not want to know that. Ninomiya could not love him. It was impossible. Otherwise, he would be so hurt because of his fault and selfishness. Just because he fell in the trap of a few kisses and hugs… If he had thought properly since the first moment…If he had thought about him since the first kiss… Ninomiya would have never known about him as more as another employee there. No one of them would have started to feel more than attraction inside of their hearts. Because yes, he knew very well his feelings. Every kiss, caress, word spoken to him… Kazunari showed how much he meant for him with every act. Even blind and refusing anything, it was impossible Satoshi would not notice it. Nevertheless, he did not understand its meaning until Jun said it clearly in his face.
“I will return to work” that was his last reply to his friend before throwing the rest of his sandwich to the trash bin and walk away from his side. Right before entering the building again, he shouted at him for last time.
“Running away is not the solution!” he knew it. Better than anyone else. There was no need to say it. There had been no need to say him all of that suddenly. How would he be able to overcome his next meeting with Kazunari from now on? Only at that moment, his mind had understood what that feeling had been since the first time Ninomiya looked at him. He had never believed in love at first sight, but maybe connection. That connection he felt when they talked for first time in that office and which had never disappeared since that day. It was like their hearts possessed the same red string which connected their souls and made them know more than their professional side to find a more personal face, which he loved in Kazunari. Maybe it was fate… Then, if it was fate, why did he have to be married with such a woman?
*****
He was already arriving to his house before going to meet Ninomiya. He needed to be alone for a while and think how to overcome this night with him. Also, he wanted to talk about something. Nothing seemed as nice… And he was a scared mess at that moment. The day had not been easy because of all his thoughts. Besides, Jun did not talk to him again since the lunch, probably he was just giving him space and time to think about his comments, but even like that, he was the only one who helped him when his mind was so confused about Ninomiya. Now he did not have anyone. And he would have to face Kazunari alone.
Sighing deeply, he put the key inside the door lock and opened it to come in his house. The first thing he thought was why there was a light on. Maybe he had left it that morning because he had to run so much, but it was so weird in him. Then, he understood it when he discovered his wife's shoes there. Had she returned? His eyes were so widened and his brain could only think of doing one thing.
“Yoko?” he called her dubiously. Right after saying his name, the door of the kitchen was opened and a woman appeared. Indeed, his wife was there, in front of him. Why? Did she not say she would come back in two days? Why was she back?
“Hi, darling. The trip ended before it was expected” she smiled at him with soft expression, but when Ohno approached her, he could see something weird in her eyes. What happened?
“Is something wrong?” he asked her while entering the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Now he needed an excuse to go out. What was a good idea?
“I found something out while I was there… You should sit down” her voice was calm, but even like that, Ohno could assure it was not normal in her. For some reason, he sat down on a chair just in case. Was it that bad? “You know…? I'm pregnant” she tried to smile, but perhaps it was Ohno's face which made her stay serious. He became pale. Like a ghost. Like if he was dead. Actually, he felt like not living at that exact second right after hearing and understanding what she meant.
“When…? How…?” his voice was a mutter. His throat was truly dry even after drinking the whole glass. His wife caught his hand, but it was cold as the ice.
“It’s just like six weeks. I bet it was that night when your boss stayed here and we did it” she explained when. Ohno was regretting his whole existence. If Kazunari had not jerked off in front of his face, he would not have felt that way and they would not have made love. Even that day Satoshi was not thinking about her, why should he carry with such a guilt?
“But weren't you taking the pills?” he wondered that. How was that possible?
“Well, I thought that after a year being married, it was time already for creating a family and… I stopped taking them. I wanted it to be a surprise for you” she explained with a shy smile, however Satoshi frowned deeply hurt by that. Was a child like a Christmas present for her?
“Why didn’t you ask me first?!” he spat angrily. The vein of his neck was truly marked and almost exploding. His wife just looked at him scared and sad.
“You're always working and so stressed that-“
“You don't have the right to decide such a thing for me!” Ohno yelled at her like just a few times not to say like never and stood up. His mind was full of questions and fears. More than before, he was lost and afraid of what would happen. Was he going to be father?
“Darling, please. You should be happy for our child” she was almost crying, pain reflected in her eyes. However, Ohno was truly affected by that. How could she decide that by herself? What type of parents would that child have? They were destined to fail as a marriage. Then, what would happen to that poor, innocent creature from now on? That boy or girl did not deserve a bad life just because their parents did not know how to do the things properly. How was she unable to see that? How much would that naïve soul suffer because of their fault?
Suddenly, he exited the kitchen and took his shoes. Yoko ran after him. “Where are you going?!” her voice was anguished. Not more than he himself.
“I need to take fresh air” that brief explanation was too short for her. But he did not care. No matter how many times his name was spoken behind him. No matter how her voice sounded as if she was crying. Nothing else mattered at that night. Now, he was really ruined. He had no escape already. There was no way he was able to break ties with her after knowing they were going to be parents. What he was going to do that night, the plan he had with Kazunari ended up in the trash bin. Everything he had planned for them. Finally, when he was already choosing. It was impossible he would leave that creature alone in this world without a protection. He had to pay for all the pain he had caused because of his selfishness, so for first time in a few months, he was going to choose his path because of that child's sake instead of his. It was what he had to do. Ohno was old enough to protect himself. He was going to be okay. Now, there would be another person who would need him more than anything. And refusing that fact would be the most horrible thing he could do in his life.
Then, after having his ideas clear, his mind focused and his expression as cold as never, his finger rang the bell. His heart pounded those ten seconds Ninomiya took to open the door and greet him with a tender smile. It changed when Satoshi continued with his poker face even when he was inside and both sat down around the table, shoulder against shoulder as always. He could not talk, at least not to break the ice. What he was going to do was already too difficult like to add more hard things to fulfil. Slowly, Kazunari touched his leg and rubbed it with his thumb. Even that small show of affection tried to break his strength. No matter what he needed to keep going on. He was able to.
“I want to tell you something” Kazunari spoken abruptly in the middle of the silence. However, Ohno needed to say it as soon as possible, before he would break and end up crying as a fool.
“Let me talk first please. I have to tell you something important too” he did not know how his mouth finally talked that coldly. After that, his hand disappeared from his leg and he felt hopelessly hurt.
“Go on” Ninomiya became cold too after having understood his behaviour.
I'm sorry…
“I won't be able to stay this night with you” he started in that part without knowing too well how to continue after. “Neither today nor any night more in the future” he confessed with his heart in his hand. Why was it aching as strong as nothing else? How was he able to be doing such a betrayal towards Ninomiya?
“What do you mean?” even though, he asked with calm voice, his eyes did blink a lot, exposing how nervous he was. It was now or never.
“I’m going to be father” he announced straight, carelessly. As a rock falling from the sky over him. But it was better like that. At least once in their lives they were going to say it clearly instead of finding excuses. Ohno needed to be frank with Ninomiya. However, the man beside him kept silent. Then, Satoshi turned his head to watch how his boss did not move a single muscle of his body. Why was he having the feeling of being hurting him as no one else? Without thinking, his hand was placed over his shoulder to get some type of reaction. Not thinking it could be that cold, Kazunari moved his arm hastily and stood up to walk to the veranda. Was he okay? Ohno felt horrible. It was all his fault.
“Congratulations” suddenly that was spoken and Satoshi had to control his chin because it was trembling by how much rage he had inside of him. That was why he stood up and stayed beside him, looking at the night together. Slowly, he dared to glance at him. Ninomiya had an absent expression, as if he was lost in a far away place and not there with him.
“I wasn't searching that child. I promise it was all her plan” he explained himself with anguished voice as if he needed him to believe in his words, as if he had cheated on him instead of on his wife.
“But for that you had to have sex with her” he spoke with a husky tone, as if talking was hard for him. Ohno looked down, feeling ashamed of it. “At least tell me a thing. Did you do it with both at the same time?” his gaze was stuck in the cloudy sky.
He panicked for some reason. “No…” his answer at the next second. At last, Kazunari looked at him after so much time without meeting those hazel eyes. “The last time we did it was when you stayed in my house, after that… I only did it with you…” his eyes tried to maintain that strength in Ninomiya's until getting his answer, but Satoshi was unable if he noticed how much pain was inside of them.
“Why that day?” he asked fast. His eyes burning Ohno despicably. Was it time to say the truth?
“You were so drunk that when I took you to the bedroom and removed your clothes… You started to jerk off in front of me…” he confessed with his head down. He bit his lower lip, knowing if that would not have happened…
“Why didn’t you tell me the next morning?!” suddenly, he shouted at him, possibly being unable to control his anger anymore already.
“I don't know!” he yelled back, his nerves in their limit. Ninomiya sighed deeply and did a step closer to him. Ohno looked up taken aback. What did he want?
“You haven’t answered me, though. Why that day?” he tried to know everything and the employee knew he was truly screwed. If he did not answer, he would seem as hiding something. If he answered, he would tell the truth. If he lied, he would not seem convincing as long as he was so nervous. What should he do then? If he answered what he felt…
“I just wanted to show myself I didn’t like men…” maybe in this way, Ninomiya would not understand it. But how naïve he was yet with him. As if they did not know each other too well. He had fallen in his trap completely.
“Why did you have to show it to yourself?” Ninomiya approached until the point of rubbing their noises. His hands were pressed against his torso to make him go away, but they became two fists which were grabbing his white shirt. Why was he that weak? Even in such circumstances, if Ninomiya was near him, he had no control. How horrible could he be?
“Because after watching you, I felt so hot…” he confessed almost against his lips, probably not caring anymore about what he was saying and only staring at those thin lips which were inviting him to taste them all the times he wanted. That was the type of human he was. Even expecting a child, he was unable to set his desires aside. To forget that man that easily.
“Tell me. Did you think of me meanwhile?” one of his boss's hands caressed his neck, his thumb rubbing his cheek. Then, his nose made a path across his cheek. All those touches were driving him crazy, he could not think clearly anymore.
“Yes… The whole time…” suddenly, when he noticed what he had done, a hard guilt fulfilled his heart. Everything was wrong, his life was wrong. There was not a single good thing done by him. He cheated on his wife, he used Ninomiya, he left his wife pregnant while thinking about another man, and when he knew he was going to have a child, he dared to be flirting with his boss. He was the worst. The worst scum of that world.
Suddenly, a hard sob was created by his throat and without a doubt, he hid his head on his shoulder. His weeping became harder and harder wondering why he had done everything as pathetic as his life. At the end, he would lose all he had at that moment. For being such a despicable man. All he tried so hard by being that selfish would disappear in front of his eyes as punishment. The worst was that he knew he deserved it. “I’m so sorry…” he sobbed against his clothes, staining the shirt with his tears. He only felt how Ninomiya hugged him strongly. Again those arms protecting him of himself. Because after all, his most horrible enemy was himself.
“I don't have to forgive anything…” abruptly, he said that, soft beside his ear. Ohno closed his eyes harshly because of the pain in his chest. How could he be such a good man? How could he waste his time with him? He deserved much better. He deserved all the best of that word. Just for caring about him after all Ohno did to him. “C’mon, wipe your tears and go home. You have to take care of your wife” Kazunari spoke with a forced smile when Satoshi raised his head. Slowly, both hands of his boss dried his cheeks with his thumbs. “We both knew this had to end someday when we started it” his wise words reached Ohno's heart and he realized how he did not want it to have an end. Not with Ninomiya. He wanted it to last forever. Why could it not be like that?
Satoshi dried his both eyes, stopped his weeping while breathing deeply and put his most serious face. “I hope we can work properly from now on, boss” he bowed as much as he could and contained his tears when he was not looking at him, but at the floor. After a few seconds, he raised his body again to see how Ninomiya nodded even after saying such a meaningful sentence. Coming back to be just boss and employee. No more kisses, no more hugs, no more meetings, no more nights together, no more smiles between them, no more secrets in the office, no more love to give or to receive. It was over.
“I'll see you tomorrow in the office, Ohno” he said with a polite voice. That warmth had disappeared. That confidence was not existing between them anymore. What they were used to do now was just so out of place. Both of them had to learn how to treat each other as just another employee in that company. To learn how to work together without feeling that pain or those feelings inside their hearts. To learn how to forget what they had lived; what they had done; what they had said; and if it was possible, how to forget what they felt for each other. So a big part of all of that would be easier.
That was why Ohno looked down and turned around to walk to the door. He waited two seconds while grabbing the handle, maybe wishing it to be a dream, to wake up beside him or maybe just wanting Ninomiya to stop him. But when he looked behind, Kazunari was just observing the sky still in the veranda without turning back. “Bye Kazunari…” he muttered with a sad smile and exited that apartment. His legs refused to walk properly, they were shivering hard as his whole body. He was so cold since Kazunari stopped hugging him for last time. If he could have another chance, he would do it differently. Just to be able to hug him back and feel okay. To be able to be with him and not feel guilty about it. However now, every time he would look at his wife, he would feel as the worst man in the world. Because the memories would always keep with him. What he did. It was impossible to forget. He was impossible to forget.
*****
Slowly, he opened the door of his house and entered doubting what would happen between his wife and him. By the moment, he removed his shoes and place them in a side. When he looked up, there she was staring at him with soft eyes. Gulping all his past in a second, he approached her and hugged her waist tenderly while placing a hand on her belly. So inside it, their child was growing up slowly. He rubbed it with a thumb, as trying to protect it. At least he wanted to do something correctly. And life had given him another chance to try it.
“I'm sorry about before. I was too surprised” he apologized with sweet voice while Yoko was smiling to him. Her hand touched his face and kissed his cheek.
“It's okay, I'm sorry too, you're right, I should have talked with you…” she regretted while leaning her head on his shoulder and Ohno rubbed her back with a hand.
“Don't worry. Now it's time to be a family, okay?” he spoke and she smiled happily before nodding. Then, when they were looking at each other, his wife moved her nose weirdly.
“Do I stink too much? I worked a lot today, let me take a bath” he sighed. He desired a hot bath to relax and remove any of his caresses so at least he would be clean outside. Just before he went inside the bathroom, his wife talked to him.
“Weren’t you with another person?” her question made his blood stop running through his veins. Did she know? How? When? Maybe, she was just asking to know what he had done outside as always. Yes, possibly it was that. There was no reason to panic. He only needed to lie for last time and take that bath.
“No, I just walked around” his voice was supposed to be normal, but it trembled slightly. He glanced at his wife to see what she was thinking.
“I just wondered because it was late” she smiled as if it had been a naïve question and Satoshi sighed relieved. Everything was okay. He nodded and entered the bathroom. The water was already prepared so he only had to remove his clothes. Before coming inside, Satoshi caught his phone. Once inside it, he closed his eyes five seconds to order his mind. That day had been crazy. Everything he knew yesterday was messed up in a few hours. Only being under the water, finally a warmth surrounding his body again, he realized what he had done. At last, his mind could understand what all of that meant.
He had lost Ninomiya.
There was no turning back. He had already said goodbye to his boss. At first he thought it was a proper idea for his future and the ones around him. But of course, now that his loneliness was coming back, he was feeling all the rage he did not when he talked with him in his house. His dead eyes, his tired body, his weak caresses, his dry lips. Ninomiya had seemed as defeated when they were in the veranda and only now he could realize it. He remembered his image. And how Ninomiya never told him what he had planned to since the morning. Indeed, he was so selfish with him. Just going there to break ties with him in that way and not noticing how broken and alone Kazunari had been left. Maybe it was better like that, after all, Satoshi was just an egoist human. Not enough for someone as precious as Ninomiya. Perhaps he could be happier with someone else. Even if the idea of letting another person touch him was destroying him…
We can't be jealous of each other…
He remembered that chat after their first time. They had always been so blind. As Jun said, he did not want to see what was in front of him. He was too scared of accepting it and more now that it would be only painful as long as it was over with him. Nothing remained between them but a professional relationship. He would not talk with him again, he would not meet him alone again, he would not hug or kiss him again. All of that was over. And why was he crying like that after an hour since they talked? Why did all that pain was hunting him that savagely? His hands tried to erase the tears, however it was impossible as long as they were falling so fast without a stop. Satoshi felt so powerless that his fist hit the water hard, staining everything with water around. He sobbed wondering why his warmth was not surrounding him anymore, why his sweet words were not echoing in his ears anymore, why his lips were not kissing him anymore, why Ninomiya had let him go. He was missing everything. Any part of him. He only wished for a last kiss… where he could show all his love… How he needed him. How happy he was beside him. What he made him feel inside without control. Ninomiya should know at least what that had meant for him. Then, why had he only said the worst part and run away as a coward? No matter what, he was a coward in front of his boss because his heart beat so fast he felt weak. Because his body was shaken if he was close. Because his mind was lost if his skin felt his touch. And that scared him more than anything. What would happen if he fell again? It seemed so easy…
I can't allow it…
Suddenly, he grabbed his phone and opened their chat. He gulped when he read their last messages once again, but at the next second his fingers were erasing the whole chat. Probably, it would never be filled with tender sentences again. Then, he went to the calls register and erased all from Ninomiya. For sure his boss would never call him again. At the end, he opened the agenda and searched for his contact. With a lot of regrets and pain, he tapped the erasing button and it disappeared. He would not need it again. It was better like that. He just had to get used. No matter how he disliked it. He had to pay for what he had done and be a man from that moment on.
So decided to fulfil that, he stood up from the bath and dried his body, especially his face. Then, forgetting what his mind was desiring to see when he would open that door, he just went out to appear in the kitchen and find his dinner there made by his wife, who was sat already with a smile. Ohno smiled at her back and sat down beside her to enjoy her food. He was not hungry, though.
Slowly, the image of his life before Kazunari appeared started to come again. Maybe that was what had to have happened since the first day. Perhaps that was his destiny. And he only had to accept it without complains or excuses. There was no space for Ninomiya in his life. Not anymore. It was already late for it. And he only had to accept it no matter how it hurt him.
“Isn’t it good? I can prepare another thing if you want”
“No, no” he answered her fast. It was so good, but his stomach was a closed ball. “It’s just that I'm not too hungry. I can eat the leftovers as a bento tomorrow” he proposed not to waste all that food and his wife smiled.
“That's a good idea, I will do it now. Search for it in the fridge tomorrow” she stood up to make his bento willingly. Slowly, that nice feeling was returning to him. Maybe he could be even happy with her after all. That was why he stood up and hugged her. His whole body was tense by the pain it was not the person he wanted, but even like that, he kissed her cheek.
“Thank you” he muttered beside her ear and Yoko giggled. Slowly, she turned her head around and without thinking about it too much, Satoshi kissed her lips. They were so different. His heart did not feel the same. It was empty already. No matter how hard he tried. The love he felt for her had gone.
“Go to sleep, you seem so tired” she spoke softly and Ohno nodded before breaking the hug and walking to the bedroom. He was empty. His eyes only looked at the ceiling. Was that living? Would all that pain become happiness someday?
It's all your fault Kazunari… You were who made me fall in love with you…
//Hi! New chapter on Tuesday as always! :D you can kill me if you want JAJAJAJA they are so screwed now :'))) Now separated, only employee and boss, Ohno waiting a child... What will happen from now on? Ninomiya seemed as letting him go at the end, and Ohno seems so stubborn in protecting the child... Is their fate to be separated?
Hope you will find it in the next chapters ^~^ thanks for all the support!