Help Me to Breath
I realized something today in writing class; I get extremely nervous when I know I’m the center of attention. Only in a certain type of situation though. I can stand up in front of a crowd and give a speech no problem. If the instructor calls on me to give an answer I can do that easily too. But If I’m the one who raises my hand to speak, as soon as everyone’s eyes are focused on me I can feel my heart start to beat hard, I feel the blood rush to my face, I feel the surge of adrenaline telling me to go into fight or flight mode. I wonder if it’s related to recent lack of ability to talk to people I don’t know really well. Its part of the reason I haven’t been able to really communicate with Kalyn unless I randomly bump into her and she talks to me. I can’t work up the nerve to approach her, and god help me when I think about just going to her room and knocking on the door. It’s funny to think I actually used to be good at talking at people. I just went for such a long time without being able to make new friends that it’s as if I forgot how to do it. I have made new friends here, but very few of them I made on my own. Most of them I met through Zach. I kind of lost touch with the friends I made in my building, a few of them moved out, disappeared, stopped talking to me, etc, whatever. I’m not depressed about it at the moment. My good mood is still carrying over from day to day.
I haven’t smoked today either. I guess that makes 3 days now. I heard once that it takes about 3 days for the initial withdrawal effects of the nicotine to wear off. I guess that would explain why I haven’t had any strong cravings today. Next step I suppose will be to get past the psychological addiction to cigarettes. It’s still a little weird to see people smoking. It doesn’t bother me when I’m out on the street, but today I was watching a movie, and it seemed like every 5 minutes a character was lighting up a cigarette. It wasn’t as though I got a strong craving from seeing it, but it was a weird reminder of how something like that would have given me an intense craving before. It did make me a little anxious since I kept expecting to get a strong craving, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that. Haha, if I ever do get a craving I’ll just think about how Kalyn doesn’t smoke. She doesn’t drink either, which is a bit concerning since I definitely couldn’t give up drinking. Though I don’t drink anywhere near as much as I used to except for those bad couple of days last week.
Shit, I just realized that I still haven’t gotten my final paycheck from Safeway. Shit, it has been almost a month since I’ve worked there. Every other place I’ve ever worked has always mailed me my final check. What the hell Safeway?! I don’t have time to go in tomorrow and ask about my check because I have a full day of classes. I guess it will have to wait until Wednesday, but there’s a possibility I might be busy that day too since I’m supposed to meet up with a guy from my editing class sometime this week to pair up on a project that we’re both behind on. I could really use that money. I’m nowhere near broke yet. In fact, I should have about 350 bucks coming my way soon. So that’s nice. It’s easy to live on barely any money when you have no life and your only major expense is food.
3am now. I really should be asleep by 4am since my first class tomorrow is at 1245. I don’t get out of there until 945pm. That’s like a full 8 hour work day. I don’t mind it though. Except that I’m not looking forward to explaining to my instructors why I wasn’t in class last week. The downside to having a smaller class size is that more people notice when you skip class. I’m not excited about either of my classes tomorrow. Principles of Visual Communication, and College Math. I hate math, and this PVC class sucks ass. It’s art terminology and theories, nothing really fun at all, and so far I’m failing to see why the class is a requirement for film majors. I’ve only found very loose connections to film so far.
Other than that, nothing new to report. How could there be? It’s only been be a day since I last wrote. Started taking vitamins a few days ago to help keep me healthy, but I realized I’ve been counteracting that by eating too many hotdogs haha. Guess I should just switch back to sandwiches, or at least eat some more vegetables and fruits. I did use 9 grain sliced bread for hotdog buns though, so hopefully the fiber and vitamins will help deter some of the bad some stuff from the hotdogs. Right? *sigh* trying to eat healthy sucks. Especially when you’re on a budget and bad food is so much cheaper than healthy food. Oh well, Zach told me that I had lost a significantly noticeable amount of weight since I’ve moved here. Over the years Kari and I were together I kind of slowly got fat. Not fat fat, but overweight enough to where I was just on the border of being fat. I got too lazy, and started drinking too much because I wasn’t able to cope with the life around me. Yikes, that last sentence almost pushed this entry into a dangerous direction. There are still old acquaintances I need to remove from my friends list on this journal before I get into the really personal stuff. Stuff I would only be willing to share with a handful of people.
I wasn’t planning on making this entry so long, but since my internet’s not working I can’t post this. It’s making me just want to keep writing and hope that eventually my internet will come back and I can just quick post and go to bed. At this point I’m really just rambling, but I don’t really care because it’s not like a large number of people are going to read this, so I don’t have to worry about annoying many people. Eh, maybe I should try free writing or something. No I can’t do that because my head is full of weird, and weird is no good for a public journal. I’m just sitting here watching Lain. DooDeeDoo. I wanna bake a cake. Not one those cakes that come in a box. I want to try and bake a cake from scratch. Eh, I’d be happy with a box cake though. I just think it would be fun to try and bake a cake old fashion style. What the hell is in a cake anyways? Flour, eggs, milk, and??? I don’t know. GoodNIGHT!
~Abe
I haven’t smoked today either. I guess that makes 3 days now. I heard once that it takes about 3 days for the initial withdrawal effects of the nicotine to wear off. I guess that would explain why I haven’t had any strong cravings today. Next step I suppose will be to get past the psychological addiction to cigarettes. It’s still a little weird to see people smoking. It doesn’t bother me when I’m out on the street, but today I was watching a movie, and it seemed like every 5 minutes a character was lighting up a cigarette. It wasn’t as though I got a strong craving from seeing it, but it was a weird reminder of how something like that would have given me an intense craving before. It did make me a little anxious since I kept expecting to get a strong craving, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that. Haha, if I ever do get a craving I’ll just think about how Kalyn doesn’t smoke. She doesn’t drink either, which is a bit concerning since I definitely couldn’t give up drinking. Though I don’t drink anywhere near as much as I used to except for those bad couple of days last week.
Shit, I just realized that I still haven’t gotten my final paycheck from Safeway. Shit, it has been almost a month since I’ve worked there. Every other place I’ve ever worked has always mailed me my final check. What the hell Safeway?! I don’t have time to go in tomorrow and ask about my check because I have a full day of classes. I guess it will have to wait until Wednesday, but there’s a possibility I might be busy that day too since I’m supposed to meet up with a guy from my editing class sometime this week to pair up on a project that we’re both behind on. I could really use that money. I’m nowhere near broke yet. In fact, I should have about 350 bucks coming my way soon. So that’s nice. It’s easy to live on barely any money when you have no life and your only major expense is food.
3am now. I really should be asleep by 4am since my first class tomorrow is at 1245. I don’t get out of there until 945pm. That’s like a full 8 hour work day. I don’t mind it though. Except that I’m not looking forward to explaining to my instructors why I wasn’t in class last week. The downside to having a smaller class size is that more people notice when you skip class. I’m not excited about either of my classes tomorrow. Principles of Visual Communication, and College Math. I hate math, and this PVC class sucks ass. It’s art terminology and theories, nothing really fun at all, and so far I’m failing to see why the class is a requirement for film majors. I’ve only found very loose connections to film so far.
Other than that, nothing new to report. How could there be? It’s only been be a day since I last wrote. Started taking vitamins a few days ago to help keep me healthy, but I realized I’ve been counteracting that by eating too many hotdogs haha. Guess I should just switch back to sandwiches, or at least eat some more vegetables and fruits. I did use 9 grain sliced bread for hotdog buns though, so hopefully the fiber and vitamins will help deter some of the bad some stuff from the hotdogs. Right? *sigh* trying to eat healthy sucks. Especially when you’re on a budget and bad food is so much cheaper than healthy food. Oh well, Zach told me that I had lost a significantly noticeable amount of weight since I’ve moved here. Over the years Kari and I were together I kind of slowly got fat. Not fat fat, but overweight enough to where I was just on the border of being fat. I got too lazy, and started drinking too much because I wasn’t able to cope with the life around me. Yikes, that last sentence almost pushed this entry into a dangerous direction. There are still old acquaintances I need to remove from my friends list on this journal before I get into the really personal stuff. Stuff I would only be willing to share with a handful of people.
I wasn’t planning on making this entry so long, but since my internet’s not working I can’t post this. It’s making me just want to keep writing and hope that eventually my internet will come back and I can just quick post and go to bed. At this point I’m really just rambling, but I don’t really care because it’s not like a large number of people are going to read this, so I don’t have to worry about annoying many people. Eh, maybe I should try free writing or something. No I can’t do that because my head is full of weird, and weird is no good for a public journal. I’m just sitting here watching Lain. DooDeeDoo. I wanna bake a cake. Not one those cakes that come in a box. I want to try and bake a cake from scratch. Eh, I’d be happy with a box cake though. I just think it would be fun to try and bake a cake old fashion style. What the hell is in a cake anyways? Flour, eggs, milk, and??? I don’t know. GoodNIGHT!
~Abe