Apr 15, 2009 07:11
Today is off to a weird start. I woke up drunk for the first time in my life. There were a few times before where I woke up maybe a little buzzed, but I woke up completely blind-stinking drunk today. I assume I passed out sometime around 7pm last night, since by 6pm I had already come to the conclusion that I was too drunk to go to class. I didn't go to my classes yesterday, something I'm beating myself up for today. Sometimes it sucks to only have each class once a week. If you miss one class, it's like missing a whole weeks worth of classes. Shit, I'm really pissed at myself. Ahh fuck, at least I got all my editing homework done for tonight's class. Sleep is my drug of choice. Really. I should explain. I had two classes yesterday, one at 1245pm and another at 6pm. Well my insomnia started kicking in again lately, and even though I managed to fall asleep around 4am, I just couldn't muster the strength to pull myself out of bed at noon. When I finally did get out of bed at 1:30pm(so close) I was so pissed at myself that I needed a drink. I turned to my old friend Monarch 151 rum. Bad idea. It set of this whole depression spiral which eventually ended up with me calling Patrick and smoking WAY too many cigarettes. By 530pm I was so drunk that every puff from the cigarette felt like death. I then proceeded to lie down and apparently I passed out while watching "the producers"(one of my favorite movies). Next thing I know, it's 4am and I'm thirsty as hell. I drink what feels like a gallon of water and go out for a cigarette. That's when I notice that I'm still drunk. I start to wobble and tip over. I probably even fell a couple times. I should also explain that when I'm drunk cigarettes make my body be weird(it's hard to explain). Anyways, after the smoking fiasco, I stumbled back to my room, ate some cheese from the fridge, and starting texting/emailing people I haven't talked to in a long long long time. I should not be around communication technology while drunk. Not much to report after that. Of course I didn't get any responses from the people I tried to talk to. Except the girl who could have been the one, but never was because she fled Oregon for the sunny shores of California. By the way, the girl I mention being in love with in my last post, her name is Kalyn(K-Lyn), She's really great, but I've become such a shy bastard that I can't bring myself to ask her out. She lives in my building, and I see her every now and again. We usually end up talking for a few minutes whenever we cross paths... But I'm so fucking Neurotic that I have to over analyze every word she says when I'm by myself(this phrase means she likes me, this phrase means she hates me, etc). She's a year older than me too, which I don't mind, but I seem to have this subconscious belief that there's no way an older woman(even if she's only 1 day older than me) would ever be attracted to me. What the fuck happened to my confidence?!? I look at my old entries on this site, and I envy the man who wrote them. He had a lot of problems too, but man his confidence seems high. It was probably all the drugs. Maybe I could start doing drugs again just to meet girls. Fuck that sounds stupid. Because it is stupid. I hadn't done drugs in a long time because of Kari. While we were dating I think I smoked pot once in the 3 years we were dating. Oh, and there was the time at the start of our relationship we did acid, but it turned out to be an extremely high dose of speed(it was a scary night). Kari was a good girlfriend I guess, but Courtney was a lot better. I don't regret breaking up with Kari ever, but I still wish Courtney and I were together sometimes. Maybe because I'm a different person now, and I feel like I'd be the type of guy she'd want to stay with... no, I'm not going down this road, I'm not going to write about this. It will only make my depression worse, and it won't change anything.