(no subject)
I'm restless, but more mentally...not really physically.
So, I just joined this Poly Knitting group on Ravelry. Not that I read groups much, but sometimes I just get an inkling. Anyway, I'm reading through these things where (mostly women) are talking about their relationships and have been in a relationship with one person for X number of years and with another for Y. And I just can't help thinking how the hell they do it.
It always strikes me as weird that I identify as bisexual and poly, but there are days where I'm just like "wait...wtf?" I've never doubted myself in the fact that I am attracted to the same sex, and I've never doubted that I do indeed want a Triad. I just really find it weird that some days the thoughts don't make sense to me.
I admit, the only relationship I have been in was also the only poly relationship I've been in and it was...rather screwed up.
I guess it's just the 'end result' that I picture. See, I have no problem just dating men, or just dating women. I believe love is fluid and it's just whoever you're in love with at that point. However, when I think about the family I eventually want, or the family like community I want to build... it would definitely be my main relationship with a male and having a female involved to a lesser degree with both of us. I'm not quite sure why, but this is what I've always pictured/wanted/etc.
I think this would be an extremly rare situation, so it's probably unlikely. And I know that things don't always work out like you planned. But *this* is my ideal way of things.
So I guess it's why somethings I have those Wtf-moments. Because I'm more straight then gay, and in this...I prefer a relationship with a male first, and only second a female. Which means the poly relationship is even lower.
*shrugs* I honestly don't know why I feel like going on about this topic because it really doesn't bother me. I guess it just got triggered by the community.
On another relationship topic... something else that's been on my mind is exactly where I want this whole thing to go with Chris. I mean, obviously I know what I want...but I have no clue if that's going to happen or if it does, when.
I honestly think it would be easier for me to continue down the path I'm on, just waiting and hoping that it just works out. Because the other path involves me admitting to myself that he broke a lot of promises to me.
This may not seem like a big deal. I think some people may wonder why I'm taking this so hard. But lately I've come to realize that I've never really been that trusting of someone in a long time.
I mean, okay I've been in 4 relationships and in each one (I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic and a sucker for the 'one true love' thing) but in each one I've been to the point where I thought I could marry the person, only to find out that I really couldn't. For whatever reason...I couldn't. And thinking about these relationships recently, I've just noticed that I somehow knew, I didn't fully trust that part.
Now, the whole breaking promises thing...everyone in my life that really matters, currently or past, has broken a promise. No big deal now, maybe at the time...but whatever. Except one person, my dad. He broke promises left and right and each time I would believe he would keep the next one he made to me. After awhile, I just gave up hope. I can't say it just happened one day...but there was one point where I just realized he wasn't really someone I could depend on. Not in that way at least. (Yes, I am patching stuff up with him...slowly, but we will never be very close)
Anyway. I realized I've never really let any of those promises get to me. I've never really taken them to heart. Except with Chris. Somehow, he won over my trust. He told me he would, he told me he could do it...I didn't believe him, but he did.
Now here's where I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I need to make a decision to either let go, or hold on somehow. I want to let go, in hopes that I'll get over it. In hopes that he'll come back at some point. Etc. However, I'm afraid if I do let go completely I won't ever be able to trust him again.
I make up excuses for it. Even when I tell the story to people to this day. I put it on him being under too much stress from work and school. I put it on his inability to deal with a serious relationship. I do it because I want it to be true, but I also do it because I'm not ready to let go.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm leaving this up to chance/fate/destiny/whatever you want to call it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm just supposed to walk away from this and do nothing.
There is no way we went on planning for two years to get a house, get married, move to Portugal in five years, etc...to nothing. I just don't understand how this happens. I don't understand how both people can believe they're going to be together for the rest of their lives...and then this.
I mean, either I believe he truly meant this...or I don't. And if I don't...I'm afraid this is going to fuck me up for another 8 or so years.
But I'm supposed to do nothing. The only thing it seems I can do is pray and cry. And leave everything else up to...him? Fate? I don't know.
This just seems wrong.
I don't understand.
So, I just joined this Poly Knitting group on Ravelry. Not that I read groups much, but sometimes I just get an inkling. Anyway, I'm reading through these things where (mostly women) are talking about their relationships and have been in a relationship with one person for X number of years and with another for Y. And I just can't help thinking how the hell they do it.
It always strikes me as weird that I identify as bisexual and poly, but there are days where I'm just like "wait...wtf?" I've never doubted myself in the fact that I am attracted to the same sex, and I've never doubted that I do indeed want a Triad. I just really find it weird that some days the thoughts don't make sense to me.
I admit, the only relationship I have been in was also the only poly relationship I've been in and it was...rather screwed up.
I guess it's just the 'end result' that I picture. See, I have no problem just dating men, or just dating women. I believe love is fluid and it's just whoever you're in love with at that point. However, when I think about the family I eventually want, or the family like community I want to build... it would definitely be my main relationship with a male and having a female involved to a lesser degree with both of us. I'm not quite sure why, but this is what I've always pictured/wanted/etc.
I think this would be an extremly rare situation, so it's probably unlikely. And I know that things don't always work out like you planned. But *this* is my ideal way of things.
So I guess it's why somethings I have those Wtf-moments. Because I'm more straight then gay, and in this...I prefer a relationship with a male first, and only second a female. Which means the poly relationship is even lower.
*shrugs* I honestly don't know why I feel like going on about this topic because it really doesn't bother me. I guess it just got triggered by the community.
On another relationship topic... something else that's been on my mind is exactly where I want this whole thing to go with Chris. I mean, obviously I know what I want...but I have no clue if that's going to happen or if it does, when.
I honestly think it would be easier for me to continue down the path I'm on, just waiting and hoping that it just works out. Because the other path involves me admitting to myself that he broke a lot of promises to me.
This may not seem like a big deal. I think some people may wonder why I'm taking this so hard. But lately I've come to realize that I've never really been that trusting of someone in a long time.
I mean, okay I've been in 4 relationships and in each one (I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic and a sucker for the 'one true love' thing) but in each one I've been to the point where I thought I could marry the person, only to find out that I really couldn't. For whatever reason...I couldn't. And thinking about these relationships recently, I've just noticed that I somehow knew, I didn't fully trust that part.
Now, the whole breaking promises thing...everyone in my life that really matters, currently or past, has broken a promise. No big deal now, maybe at the time...but whatever. Except one person, my dad. He broke promises left and right and each time I would believe he would keep the next one he made to me. After awhile, I just gave up hope. I can't say it just happened one day...but there was one point where I just realized he wasn't really someone I could depend on. Not in that way at least. (Yes, I am patching stuff up with him...slowly, but we will never be very close)
Anyway. I realized I've never really let any of those promises get to me. I've never really taken them to heart. Except with Chris. Somehow, he won over my trust. He told me he would, he told me he could do it...I didn't believe him, but he did.
Now here's where I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I need to make a decision to either let go, or hold on somehow. I want to let go, in hopes that I'll get over it. In hopes that he'll come back at some point. Etc. However, I'm afraid if I do let go completely I won't ever be able to trust him again.
I make up excuses for it. Even when I tell the story to people to this day. I put it on him being under too much stress from work and school. I put it on his inability to deal with a serious relationship. I do it because I want it to be true, but I also do it because I'm not ready to let go.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm leaving this up to chance/fate/destiny/whatever you want to call it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm just supposed to walk away from this and do nothing.
There is no way we went on planning for two years to get a house, get married, move to Portugal in five years, etc...to nothing. I just don't understand how this happens. I don't understand how both people can believe they're going to be together for the rest of their lives...and then this.
I mean, either I believe he truly meant this...or I don't. And if I don't...I'm afraid this is going to fuck me up for another 8 or so years.
But I'm supposed to do nothing. The only thing it seems I can do is pray and cry. And leave everything else up to...him? Fate? I don't know.
This just seems wrong.
I don't understand.