Private - March 9, 2000
I want out of here. If I wasn't mad before being here is going to tip me over the edge. I spent most of yesterday filled to my neck with potions because I didn't think I could handle the constant litany of thoughts that my mother's visit got going. Every bad feeling, every bad memory just sort of came up and I keep thinking that it shouldn't be that way because she's my fucking mum and everything's just so wrong and I want out. I want go somewhere that she can't find me and somewhere my dad can't find me and Merlin what will I do if he gets out?
I don't know what I'm saying. I just . . . I'm so messed up and even though there've been good things to come out of this hospital stay (seeing Pansy and Remus and Potter and Severus) all I can think about when I close my eyes is my mum and the way I lied to her and all of the horrible, horrible thoughts I keep having about her and my father.
They should make a potion that'll ensure I'm a good son because Morgana knows I've failed at that so far. I just want to disappear. It would be so easy.