pain
You asked me what I was afraid of a thousand times this weekend, not realising that something was bothering me which had nothing to do with the thing you were talking about. She told you I am insecure. That much you know. But what you don't know is that I am scared of something, just not what you would be expecting. I am scared of losing you if you know how stupid and idiotic I really am. I am scared of going back to how I was before you. I am afraid of doing something stupid or childish. I am scared you will finally see how much better you could get. I am scared of you realising I am to young for you. I am so incredibly terrified of losing you, even though we have only been together for a few weeks. Even though it sounds stupid. But I am also scared of hurting you. I am afraid to fuck it up, just like always. And worse of all, I am scared of the unknown. I am afraid of what might happen. I am afraid of being the real me, the disgusting one, the hideous one, the one those guys you wanted to kill know. Not this mask I keep up. Now you have seen more of the original me then anyone ever before. But you have no idea how deep the pain goes. How far back the suicidal thinking. How fucked up I really am. I try to tell you, but I can't. I will try again, but I don't think I can. Just leave it. It's not at all relevant to our relationship. It only bothers me if someone reminds me, and that doesn't happen too often. But I know I love you, and I know I want this to last, just as much, if not more, then you say you do. But I don't think I can tell you, so I am sorry, but it's not doable. It's not me. I hate it even more then you do, and I tried, I really did, but I can't ever seem to find the right moment. The only fear I can express is the one of losing you, of losing the one last thing I have to make me happy, the only person I have trusted in years. The mere thought hurts me, I can't say why. I just love you, please know I do, and I never want to lose you. This is not all I have to say, this is merely all I can say. The only hint I can give you about what has been bothering me, is in those poems I gave you, which you so condiderately threw aside and never looked at again. I don't blame you though, it's exactly what everybody else would do. I just hope it doesn't mean you lost interest in me, that I am afraid off. Please promise me to never leave. For I love you with all my heart.
Plus, I am sorry about this weekend, it's not like I didn't want to, I just couldn't with the thoughts I had in my head.