Pure Un-Directed Anger
I feel like since this whole Jordan thing hit the fan, I've been just...pure angry.
Sure, I've laughed until I've peed on several occasions in the past few weeks. I've felt boundless amounts of love and happiness. But deep down at the root, I have this energy of being so angry. I'm mad at everyone! Even the family I love more than air. I'm mad so be out of the loop, to be so far away. I'm mad at my roommates. I'm mad at my co-workers. I'm mad at my friends and my ex-friends. I'm mad at everyone and I feel the need to push them all away. Even when Kenny tries to hug me in the middle of the night, I feel the false feeling that everything is going to be okay. Maybe I really am mad at God? Is that there? I honestly don't remember being mad at God when my mom died. But I don't remember much from that year to tell you the truth. But a 44 year old woman over a 22 year old boy? There was absolutely no reason for Jordan to die other than to ease his suffering! He wasn't supposed to be in that much pain!!!!
I don't know. I just feel the raw emotion of anger in my bones. It's just there waiting like a patient little psycho in your closet.
I keep saying that I'm just holding my breath for my sister. I spent Monday and Tuesday watching over her, ready to pick her up if she broke down. But I never really took time for myself. The visitation was a long process. 5 hours of keeping our spirits up while being supportive to the direct relations of Jordan. The funeral was heartbreaking. I don't remember that either. I remember my sister crying and gasping when they moved the casket to the front of the church. I sort of remember my cousins' speeches as they talked about their little brother. I remember Sean's eyes and how red rimmed they were when he finally did glance at the audience. I remember Missy breaking when she talked about Jordan's relationship with her children. And I remember I cried. And at one point my stepmom wrapped an arm around me and patted my shoulder. I remember Shane blubbering and sniffling behind me and Josh comforting Amber. There are stages of grief for a reason.
Maybe one of these days I'll get a day to just stay put in my bed long enough to do nothing and let the shit process and veg out.
Sure, I've laughed until I've peed on several occasions in the past few weeks. I've felt boundless amounts of love and happiness. But deep down at the root, I have this energy of being so angry. I'm mad at everyone! Even the family I love more than air. I'm mad so be out of the loop, to be so far away. I'm mad at my roommates. I'm mad at my co-workers. I'm mad at my friends and my ex-friends. I'm mad at everyone and I feel the need to push them all away. Even when Kenny tries to hug me in the middle of the night, I feel the false feeling that everything is going to be okay. Maybe I really am mad at God? Is that there? I honestly don't remember being mad at God when my mom died. But I don't remember much from that year to tell you the truth. But a 44 year old woman over a 22 year old boy? There was absolutely no reason for Jordan to die other than to ease his suffering! He wasn't supposed to be in that much pain!!!!
I don't know. I just feel the raw emotion of anger in my bones. It's just there waiting like a patient little psycho in your closet.
I keep saying that I'm just holding my breath for my sister. I spent Monday and Tuesday watching over her, ready to pick her up if she broke down. But I never really took time for myself. The visitation was a long process. 5 hours of keeping our spirits up while being supportive to the direct relations of Jordan. The funeral was heartbreaking. I don't remember that either. I remember my sister crying and gasping when they moved the casket to the front of the church. I sort of remember my cousins' speeches as they talked about their little brother. I remember Sean's eyes and how red rimmed they were when he finally did glance at the audience. I remember Missy breaking when she talked about Jordan's relationship with her children. And I remember I cried. And at one point my stepmom wrapped an arm around me and patted my shoulder. I remember Shane blubbering and sniffling behind me and Josh comforting Amber. There are stages of grief for a reason.
Maybe one of these days I'll get a day to just stay put in my bed long enough to do nothing and let the shit process and veg out.