split personality and other disorders
a week ago i was climbing up a steep mountainside towards sant jeroni, some 1200m above the small town of montserrat. found a baby viper in the bushes. i'm terrified of heights but after some 10 minutes or so mitja talked me into standing up at the tallest peak and looking down, nothing but a straight fall of hundreds of meters. a religious experience and nothing less.
we're home now, back to work. the bulgakov premiere is this thursday. my work is somewhat steady, 4 shows per week so i only need a little something extra on the side to somehow get by. trying not to work too hard for the rest of the year, save money where i can, get back to playing the bass and trying to find my old friends again.
guess i'm a little lost now that i don't need to fight for everything anymore. i can rest a little, for almost 6 months. every job, every day has been a struggle lately and it's difficult as hell to turn of the extremely competitive survival mode. yes, i am competitive in many ways and i know i need to be able to improve, learn and fight in order to maintain my interest in my work and life but i still hate it when i see it putting me in a position where i was forced to let people walk over me and give up all of my time for someone else. there's a little hippie inside me screaming "it doesn't have to work like this, why can't we all just treat each other like human beings?" every time i go to work.
perhaps this work is not for me. perhaps i need to think less and focus on taking orders like everybody else, but something inside me makes me rather break than bend. perhaps i need to go to university, study art history, loiter around libraries for the rest of my life with theoretical people, or become a marine biologist or whatever..
i wish i know if i am the person who went diving on the desolate beach outside of sant feliu, to enjoy peace and quiet with my man, or the one who goes up the ladder kicking and screaming, has lunch standing up, stresses about work and hair stylist appointments. i think i was happy in sant feliu. i don't know if i am anymore, or at least it's a different kind of happy.
i'll go on for a year, let's see about the university next autumn. see how it turns out.
we're home now, back to work. the bulgakov premiere is this thursday. my work is somewhat steady, 4 shows per week so i only need a little something extra on the side to somehow get by. trying not to work too hard for the rest of the year, save money where i can, get back to playing the bass and trying to find my old friends again.
guess i'm a little lost now that i don't need to fight for everything anymore. i can rest a little, for almost 6 months. every job, every day has been a struggle lately and it's difficult as hell to turn of the extremely competitive survival mode. yes, i am competitive in many ways and i know i need to be able to improve, learn and fight in order to maintain my interest in my work and life but i still hate it when i see it putting me in a position where i was forced to let people walk over me and give up all of my time for someone else. there's a little hippie inside me screaming "it doesn't have to work like this, why can't we all just treat each other like human beings?" every time i go to work.
perhaps this work is not for me. perhaps i need to think less and focus on taking orders like everybody else, but something inside me makes me rather break than bend. perhaps i need to go to university, study art history, loiter around libraries for the rest of my life with theoretical people, or become a marine biologist or whatever..
i wish i know if i am the person who went diving on the desolate beach outside of sant feliu, to enjoy peace and quiet with my man, or the one who goes up the ladder kicking and screaming, has lunch standing up, stresses about work and hair stylist appointments. i think i was happy in sant feliu. i don't know if i am anymore, or at least it's a different kind of happy.
i'll go on for a year, let's see about the university next autumn. see how it turns out.