Disappointment
Title: Disappointment
Author: sugareey
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Harry/Draco
Word Count: 4,147
Summary: Love can be more complicated than it seems.
Disclaimer: Not mine. However, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: A little bit of angst and fluff. What can I say?
A/N: I suppose this is just a nice way to say Happy Christmas to everyone! Thanks to my lovely beta, cursedinsanity! Cheers!
“It’s always the same,” Harry muttered to himself, sitting on a swing on the playground. He had particularly chosen this place to wander off to, because who would come look for him at a Muggle playground of all places? Besides, playgrounds were for children, and since it was snowing, no one was likely to be there.
It was perfect, because Harry didn’t want anyone to be there. He wanted to be alone, to crawl into a hole and never come out. But of course, the latter would be too cowardly. He was the Chosen One, and he wasn’t supposed to be acting like this. What kind of hero ran away from the people he loved? That was the problem. They were the ones who always hurt him. Harry may have never mentioned it to anyone, but enough was enough. He was sick of the expectations they set up for him. He could only care so much about their problems when he had some of his own. Nothing was going right and he hated it. Sometimes, Harry wondered if a normal life actually existed. It always seemed like such an illusion.
Rocking back and forth, Harry pulled his gloves up to his wrists before gripping onto the chains of the swing. He stared at his Muggle sneakers, which were not compatible with the snow. Maybe he should have worn boots today. Except Harry didn’t really have time, not when he was after him. Not with his voice, ringing in his ears.
“Come back when you finally figure out what you want!” was the phrase that kept repeating over and over again in his mind.
The more he heard it, the more confused he became. What did he want? Harry wanted many things, but where to start? He had always wanted a family, no doubt about it. Even though it was impossible to bring his parents back to life, he would have done anything just to learn a little more about them, considering what he already knew. But he also wanted to be with someone. It was getting harder not to want someone, with all his friends, and even Lupin and Tonks pursuing relationships. Harry wanted someone he could trust. He wanted someone he didn’t have to impress.
But within each and every relationship he had had in the past, there was always the need to make the perfect impression. Harry felt he couldn’t make mistakes, couldn’t trip…he couldn’t mess up. He tried his best to engage with his lovers, but something always went wrong.
“We’re just not meant to be,” Terry Boot had told him one Valentine’s Day.
“We keep getting into arguments,” Cho Chang stated with the shake of her head. “It’s not going to work.”
“I’m with Dean again,” was Ginny Weasley’s excuse, not long after proclaiming her true feelings at Dumbledore’s funeral. “You said you wanted space.”
“Perhaps she was right on that one,” Harry bit out before kicking the snow under his feet. He grimaced when some of it got into his sneakers, soaking his socks. Bloody cotton. He should have at least worn woollen socks, if not boots.
He couldn’t believe how it happened. Why did he even say anything? Hell, why did Harry think he could make up for all those years they spent hating each other? Money couldn’t replace time, he knew. That was one thing that took Draco sometime to figure out. Draco.
Harry had no idea what drew Draco to him when they first saw each other in London a month after the funeral. He just knew Draco was lost, from the desperate look in his eyes. He knew Snape couldn’t have been with him, not after betraying the Order to kill Dumbledore. No, Draco had been alone and without Dumbledore and Snape, Harry was the only person who knew his secrets. That was when everything started. That was when Draco started to invade Harry’s mind, even when he was sleeping. At first, he thought pity was getting the better of him. But these feelings for Draco were different from the ones he had developed back at Hogwarts. They were stronger, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. So Harry let them take over his body, to be sure things were real. They were, because Draco was the one who kissed him first.
They kissed, touched, groped, and even fucked each other after that. Harry had tried to fuck Terry and even had a few encounters with other blokes before, all of which didn’t quite go his way. It had never been enjoyable, not with all the demanding orders or the obnoxious whining. But with Draco, there was none of that.
Harry knew he didn’t have to expect anything from him. Draco had always been an obnoxious git, trying to get him in trouble for the sake of it. But Draco also had a way to crawl under his skin. He was the only person who could really affect Harry, even with the smallest remarks and the most subtle actions. And every time Harry thought about their old rivalry against each other, it made sense. Everything has always been about Draco Malfoy. Perhaps he was just too dense to realise it.
That was, until last night. Something more went on last night then other nights. Usually, they would talk before going up to Harry’s bedroom to fuck around. Sometimes, they would sleep. But last night was when he blurted out the three words he swore he would never say to anyone until the time was right. The time did feel right then.
I love you.
How could Harry use those words, when he didn’t even know what love was? Dumbledore had told him love ran through his blood, but he wanted to feel it. He had thought he felt love on the nights when he and Draco would snuggle up together on the sofa, sharing a blanket by the fire. Or what about the times when they talked in the drawing room, occasionally glancing at the Black family tree? Draco was living with Harry now, and he had tried to give everything he could. There was something about Draco that almost reminded Harry of himself. Maybe it was his perseverance. Draco had been determined to save his mother, despite the consequences. It had to be more than that, though.
Harry leaned back on the swing, looking up at the white sky. He closed his eyes, letting snowflakes land upon his face. It was a strange feeling, being so warm in a jacket but feeling so cold from the snow at the same time. He sighed, opening his eyes to look around. It was still quiet. Taking his glasses off to wipe the lenses, Harry took a good look at them. Here he was, a boy with stupid glasses and a bloody scar on his forehead.
“You’re a man,” his conscience reminded him. As if that made any difference.
He thought about throwing his glasses onto the ground out of frustration, but refrained from doing so. They would only get wetter from landing in the snow, and what was the point of that? He ran a hand over his face before putting his glasses back on.
I love you, Draco.
Harry wasn’t sure if it was true. When he had said it aloud for the first time, it sounded strange to his ears. It also made Draco stare at him like a hippogriff. And then he pushed Harry away.
“What do you mean?” Draco had asked him, grabbing his boxers and trousers to get dressed immediately.
“Do I have to say it again?” Harry has replied, frowning as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“What’s this about now, Potter?”
Draco had occasionally called Harry by his surname at times, but never with such menace.
“Look, what I’ve said is clear enough to-”
“Do you say this to everyone you have a thing with?”
“Wha-how is that any of your business?”
“It is my business if you’re throwing those words around like that!” Draco had retorted furiously, tossing his shirt over his shoulder and heading for the doorway.
“I’ve never said it before! Not to anyone!” Harry had confessed pleadingly. “Believe me. Please.”
“Why would you say such a thing?”
“I-I don’t know,” was the only thing Harry could think of saying. He had felt so weak and foolish, with Draco questioning him about his own damn feelings.
Draco could only purse his lips into a thin line. He had glared at Harry for the longest time, his grey eyes nearly piercing through him like icicles. And Harry could feel the pain intensify the longer the silence became. It hurt. Not because he said something he thought meant, but because the look on Draco’s face was one of disappointment. It was all because of him. He knew that familiar leering face, but this time he could read it more thoroughly. There was doubt and confusion underneath all the anger, which Harry could feel as well. But he had acted like an idiot, screwing up another good thing in his life once again.
And that was why Harry was still at the playground for most of the morning, trying to forget about what happened and failing rather miserably. It wasn’t like he had done anything wrong. Was it wrong to be honest? Relationships were supposed to be honest, trusting and…
This is not a relationship.
Harry bit his lip, trying to suppress the cry that wanted to escape his throat. He could feel himself shaking, so he tightened his hold onto the swing. Exhaling deeply, he released a puff of cold air, as if that would do something. Nothing changed. He didn’t know what to do. What was there to do, when one had believed in something that had been a lie from the beginning? It was one his very own lies, damn it! He and Draco never had any declaration of a relationship at all. Everything had always been mutual, but then again, actions seemed to speak louder than words.
“Words are nothing, I reckon,” Harry told the sky as it snowed a bit harder. “It’s all rubbish.”
The sting in his eyes made him feel worse. He didn’t know why he was acting so vulnerable over something so little. But this was about Draco. It couldn’t be such a minor issue if Draco could make him feel so shitty. And loved ones weren’t supposed to do that, were they? Could he even consider him a loved one?
“This is ridiculous,” Harry said aloud, getting up from the swing. “I must be going mad.”
“Maybe you are.”
Harry quickly turned around, trying to locate where the voice came from. It couldn’t possibly be…no. His imagination was definitely playing around with him. It was a mind game. But when he began to walk away toward the gate entrance, he could feel the eyes of someone watching him. He turned around again, but there was no one behind him.
“Bloody hell. I’ve definitely gone mad now.”
Harry sniffed, shaking his head before continuing his way to exit the playground. And that was when he saw something flash from the corner of his eye. It was something dark, and for all he knew, it could have been an animal prancing off into the woods. Then again, maybe it was just a mirage, since Harry hadn’t bothered with sleep the night before.
“Was it even worth it?” Harry asked himself, finally walking out of the playground and onto the street. “I shouldn’t have said anything at all.”
Before he could analyse things further, arms snaked around his waist, holding him tightly. Harry opened his mouth to say something but only a startled gasp came out as he felt a head rest upon his shoulder. He knew this position well, with Draco always burying his face in the crook of his neck all the time in the late nights. But this was impossible…
“I’m glad you did say it,” a voice whispered in his ear. Harry shivered as soon as he heard it, his heart racing rapidly.
“What?”
Instead of hearing an answer, Harry found himself being dragged under silky fabric, only to be kissed on the lips. His eyes immediately fluttered shut, because his heart knew this was right. He could feel lips pressing hard against his, constantly moving in synchronisation. But it wasn’t enough. Harry wanted more and he was going to get it by using his tongue to prod the other mouth open.
When he did this, he got exactly what he wanted. Harry grinned before continuing his journey to explore the delicious mouth occupying his. He could feel a tongue push into his mouth, but he wasn’t going to have any of it. Harry used his tongue to duel with the other, and it couldn’t have gotten better. Except it did.
“I love you,” was all he could hear. “I love you, Harry…”
Harry wasn’t sure if his conscience was reciting that to him, just because he had wanted to hear those words for so long. But the murmurs never stopped, even as hands wandered down his back to grab his firm buttocks. Even when teeth dragged down toward his neck so the skin could be nipped.
He moaned in response as the teeth sucked while lips kissed the marks away. It was unbearable. Harry let his hand find Draco’s, stopping him for a moment. He opened his eyes, only to find Draco gazing back at him.
“Draco…” he wheezed out.
Harry wasn’t sure what to say about Draco’s appearance. He wasn’t wearing his usual thick, black coat or his hat. Draco only had on the black sweater Harry had seen him wearing from yesterday, along with the same trousers and shoes. His eyes were a bit red and bloodshot, probably from insomnia. But studying Draco so closely, holding him, Harry had a bad feeling that wasn’t it. The tight grip he felt on his arm said something else. Had Draco been crying? Was that why they were both huddle under his Invisibility Cloak, so they wouldn’t be seen? So he wouldn’t be seen in such a right state?
“Draco,” started Harry with concern, cupping Draco’s cold face with his gloved hands. “I’m sorry…I didn’t know-”
“I’m the one who should be sorry, Harry,” Draco cut him off softly, shivering. “I shouldn’t have doubted you, or even let you take off…”
“I went for a walk.”
“You left because of me. Don’t try to lie about it.”
“I’m not-”
But the aggrieved expression on Draco’s face made Harry feel so guilty. He could feel his heart constrict, making him breathe harder and faster. What was he going to do with himself if this was how things were going to end? He couldn’t think of anything else to give, when he had been so sure love was enough. If love was supposed to be his special gift, why did it never fix anything? Why did it never make him happy?
“I needed to think,” Harry answered hollowly, letting his hands drop to his sides. He took a small step back, good enough to still see Draco and be hidden under the cloak at the same time. “I didn’t know how you’d react and my instincts were right. I panicked because I didn’t mean to say it-”
“So you didn’t mean it at all?” asked Draco slowly, his voice slightly wavering. He narrowed his eyes at Harry, grabbing the edge of the cloak to pull it off of himself. “So this was something to say? A joke?”
“No…”
“What was it then?” bit out Draco angrily, shoving Harry away from him. “What the fuck do you think you were playing at?”
“I wasn’t…I wasn’t…” Harry trailed off feebly. He couldn’t find the right words to tell Draco the truth. His heart was so tight now and he could feel himself shaking again, this time in fear. What would Draco say if he knew how badly Harry wanted him? Would he believe Harry if he told him how much he mattered? Would he believe a one-time obsession had gradually turned into something more?
Harry had never intentionally tried to hurt anyone before. And it was killing him now that even the simplest words were enough to destroy something that had made him happier than he could imagine. All because of a love he could not deny. He realised this a while ago one morning when he had been watching Draco sleep. Seeing him furrow his brows slightly, Harry knew sleep never came well to Draco. He would always toss and turn, sometimes whining before using his pillow to cover his face.
It wasn’t until Draco had unconsciously reached out for him that Harry wanted to be the person to chase away his nightmares. No one had ever done that for him, but Harry understood how it felt to suffer each and every night. And that was when he knew there was something more between them. Their rivalry had long died away, replaced by friendship. But Harry was sure friendship had blossomed into something more intimate. It had to be love. He thought he had loved Ginny once. But the feelings he had for Draco exceeded those he had for her. This was true love. That was when Harry knew he had always loved Draco, no matter what he kept trying to tell himself.
“I can’t believe how stupid I am,” Harry finally stated quietly, crossing his arms against his chest. His teeth were chattering and despite having a jacket on, he was freezing now. “I really thought…”
“Thought what?” persisted Draco suspiciously.
“I thought I loved you. It sounds stupid, even to me, but I just…I don’t know. I don’t know why I even said it aloud because it really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”
Draco's eyes widened as he stared into the empty space in front of him. “What?”
It took a minute for Harry to continue, because he could slowly feel himself losing the battle to keep himself together. The tears that were stinging his eyes for the last few hours were now trailing down his cheeks. Thank Merlin for his cloak, as Draco wouldn’t be able to see him at his weakest. However, his voice still gave him away as the truth began to spill out.
“T-This thing we had...wasn’t just a thing to me. I wanted to hate you when I first saw you again, but how could I? I already knew what you did…and then what? The next thing I knew, you were living with me and we were practically snogging everywhere. How the hell was I supposed to still hate you?”
“I never-”
“I don’t know whether you hated me or not, or still do,” Harry cut Draco off, wrapping his cloak tight around his body. “But the way things were with us…you could have just liked it because it was convenient. It was physical contact and a lot of people want that. Trust me, I know.”
“Harry…”
“I thought having you around was something to get my mind off of everything. Like a distraction. But I was wrong. The more time we spent together, the more I realised-”
“You love me?” finished Draco, surprised.
“Yeah, that,” replied Harry lamely, wiping his eyes quickly and pushing up his glasses onto his nose.
They were silent as Draco continued to gaze into space, while Harry looked down at his shoes. It had stopped snowing by now, though the sky had turned darker. A crow perched on a tree branch behind them cawed before taking flight. And then Harry could hear footsteps. He glanced up to find Draco walking slowly toward him with one hand out in front of him.
“Where are you?” Draco inquired softly, his fingers searching for the cloak.
But Harry moved away, not wanting to Draco to find him, though his brain said otherwise. Because if this was the moment when Draco wanted to reject him, he wasn’t sure if he could live with that. He wasn’t sure if he would have the strength to kill Voldemort when the time came. His one and only weapon would be destroyed. Without Draco, he was nothing. And if Harry was nothing…well, that meant his fate was already chosen for him.
“Accio Invisibility Cloak!”
He felt the cloak being lifted from his grasp, and before he could grab it again, the fabric was sliding between Draco’s hands. Harry glanced up, seeing indifference plastered onto Draco’s face. He cringed, averting his eyes to the bright snow he was now standing on. If he could only sink down into it to forget about everything…
“They say love is only for fools,” began Draco, examining the cloak carefully. “It’s a weakness that can kill you, so I’ve been told. Hatred has much more power. More control and absolutely no remorse. It seems like a lot of people prefer that over love, don’t you think?”
Harry didn’t dare answer, not trusting himself to speak. He was also aware of how close Draco’s body was from his. He could feel warm body heat, even though Draco was pacing around him. However, he didn’t know whether to expect a slap in the face or a punch in the gut. He couldn’t imagine how furious Draco was right now. So Harry tried to will himself to be prepared for what came next. He waited.
“We once hated each other,” continued Draco with a low voice, shaking his hair out of his eyes. “We once befriended each other…and from then on, touched each other and even made love to one another. You can classify that as ‘fucking’ but I didn’t use that term, did I? I can say I fucked Pansy or Blaise, but does that mean anything?”
The absence of an answer made Draco stop in front of Harry. He took a finger to lift Harry’s chin up. “Look at me, Harry. What does that mean to you?”
Forcing himself to gaze into Draco’s eyes, Harry cringed again before laughing bitterly. “It means you’ve certainly gotten around during school. I don’t particularly care either because-”
“It doesn’t mean anything comparing to what you mean to me.”
Harry was pretty sure he heard wrong. Draco had completely belittled what love was about and yet…
“Obviously, hatred can’t be that strong if we don’t hate each other anymore. It never destroyed us, like it’s supposed to.”
“Why are you telling me this?” inquired Harry, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Because you were always one to love. I always tried to hate, but I couldn’t. It never gave me a purpose to do something, to be someone. So when you offered me your hand this time…I…”
“You accepted because you wanted to?”
“Yes,” admitted Draco hesitantly, still playing with the Invisibility Cloak. “I never actually hated you. Hatred was the only way to cover it up. It was the only thing that didn’t make me look foolish. It did anyway, especially when you, of all people, caught me in the act of, well…doing things last year. You were the only one who almost…cared. Look, this seems so absurd…”
“It doesn’t,” said Harry firmly, still watching Draco in awe. “So the only reason you acted the way you have for the past six years was because…”
“I was in love with you,” concluded Draco faintly. “And I still am.”
Hearing those words didn’t matter to Harry anymore. What mattered was the truth had finally been exposed. The feelings he had been hiding, that Draco had been hiding as well, were the same. They were made for each other.
“I love you, Harry,” whispered Draco, holding out the cloak to him.
Harry gave him a watery grin before taking it in his hands. “I love you, too, Draco,” he replied confidently for the first time. And before he knew it, he found himself planting a big wet kiss on Draco’s lips.
Draco was surprised, but quickly recovered by easing into the kiss. He returned it passionately, running his fingers through Harry’s messy mop of hair. Harry chuckled, breaking away so he could rub his nose against Draco’s cheek. Looking into his eyes now, Harry saw something he thought he would never see before. It was pure happiness.
Harry could feel himself bursting with elation. He had finally done something right for once. He threw his cloak out, letting it rise into the air to encircle it around himself and Draco.
“Ready to go?”
“Always with you.”
They smiled at each other, ducking under the cloak, hand in hand, before vanishing into thin air.
Author: sugareey
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Harry/Draco
Word Count: 4,147
Summary: Love can be more complicated than it seems.
Disclaimer: Not mine. However, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: A little bit of angst and fluff. What can I say?
A/N: I suppose this is just a nice way to say Happy Christmas to everyone! Thanks to my lovely beta, cursedinsanity! Cheers!
“It’s always the same,” Harry muttered to himself, sitting on a swing on the playground. He had particularly chosen this place to wander off to, because who would come look for him at a Muggle playground of all places? Besides, playgrounds were for children, and since it was snowing, no one was likely to be there.
It was perfect, because Harry didn’t want anyone to be there. He wanted to be alone, to crawl into a hole and never come out. But of course, the latter would be too cowardly. He was the Chosen One, and he wasn’t supposed to be acting like this. What kind of hero ran away from the people he loved? That was the problem. They were the ones who always hurt him. Harry may have never mentioned it to anyone, but enough was enough. He was sick of the expectations they set up for him. He could only care so much about their problems when he had some of his own. Nothing was going right and he hated it. Sometimes, Harry wondered if a normal life actually existed. It always seemed like such an illusion.
Rocking back and forth, Harry pulled his gloves up to his wrists before gripping onto the chains of the swing. He stared at his Muggle sneakers, which were not compatible with the snow. Maybe he should have worn boots today. Except Harry didn’t really have time, not when he was after him. Not with his voice, ringing in his ears.
“Come back when you finally figure out what you want!” was the phrase that kept repeating over and over again in his mind.
The more he heard it, the more confused he became. What did he want? Harry wanted many things, but where to start? He had always wanted a family, no doubt about it. Even though it was impossible to bring his parents back to life, he would have done anything just to learn a little more about them, considering what he already knew. But he also wanted to be with someone. It was getting harder not to want someone, with all his friends, and even Lupin and Tonks pursuing relationships. Harry wanted someone he could trust. He wanted someone he didn’t have to impress.
But within each and every relationship he had had in the past, there was always the need to make the perfect impression. Harry felt he couldn’t make mistakes, couldn’t trip…he couldn’t mess up. He tried his best to engage with his lovers, but something always went wrong.
“We’re just not meant to be,” Terry Boot had told him one Valentine’s Day.
“We keep getting into arguments,” Cho Chang stated with the shake of her head. “It’s not going to work.”
“I’m with Dean again,” was Ginny Weasley’s excuse, not long after proclaiming her true feelings at Dumbledore’s funeral. “You said you wanted space.”
“Perhaps she was right on that one,” Harry bit out before kicking the snow under his feet. He grimaced when some of it got into his sneakers, soaking his socks. Bloody cotton. He should have at least worn woollen socks, if not boots.
He couldn’t believe how it happened. Why did he even say anything? Hell, why did Harry think he could make up for all those years they spent hating each other? Money couldn’t replace time, he knew. That was one thing that took Draco sometime to figure out. Draco.
Harry had no idea what drew Draco to him when they first saw each other in London a month after the funeral. He just knew Draco was lost, from the desperate look in his eyes. He knew Snape couldn’t have been with him, not after betraying the Order to kill Dumbledore. No, Draco had been alone and without Dumbledore and Snape, Harry was the only person who knew his secrets. That was when everything started. That was when Draco started to invade Harry’s mind, even when he was sleeping. At first, he thought pity was getting the better of him. But these feelings for Draco were different from the ones he had developed back at Hogwarts. They were stronger, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. So Harry let them take over his body, to be sure things were real. They were, because Draco was the one who kissed him first.
They kissed, touched, groped, and even fucked each other after that. Harry had tried to fuck Terry and even had a few encounters with other blokes before, all of which didn’t quite go his way. It had never been enjoyable, not with all the demanding orders or the obnoxious whining. But with Draco, there was none of that.
Harry knew he didn’t have to expect anything from him. Draco had always been an obnoxious git, trying to get him in trouble for the sake of it. But Draco also had a way to crawl under his skin. He was the only person who could really affect Harry, even with the smallest remarks and the most subtle actions. And every time Harry thought about their old rivalry against each other, it made sense. Everything has always been about Draco Malfoy. Perhaps he was just too dense to realise it.
That was, until last night. Something more went on last night then other nights. Usually, they would talk before going up to Harry’s bedroom to fuck around. Sometimes, they would sleep. But last night was when he blurted out the three words he swore he would never say to anyone until the time was right. The time did feel right then.
I love you.
How could Harry use those words, when he didn’t even know what love was? Dumbledore had told him love ran through his blood, but he wanted to feel it. He had thought he felt love on the nights when he and Draco would snuggle up together on the sofa, sharing a blanket by the fire. Or what about the times when they talked in the drawing room, occasionally glancing at the Black family tree? Draco was living with Harry now, and he had tried to give everything he could. There was something about Draco that almost reminded Harry of himself. Maybe it was his perseverance. Draco had been determined to save his mother, despite the consequences. It had to be more than that, though.
Harry leaned back on the swing, looking up at the white sky. He closed his eyes, letting snowflakes land upon his face. It was a strange feeling, being so warm in a jacket but feeling so cold from the snow at the same time. He sighed, opening his eyes to look around. It was still quiet. Taking his glasses off to wipe the lenses, Harry took a good look at them. Here he was, a boy with stupid glasses and a bloody scar on his forehead.
“You’re a man,” his conscience reminded him. As if that made any difference.
He thought about throwing his glasses onto the ground out of frustration, but refrained from doing so. They would only get wetter from landing in the snow, and what was the point of that? He ran a hand over his face before putting his glasses back on.
I love you, Draco.
Harry wasn’t sure if it was true. When he had said it aloud for the first time, it sounded strange to his ears. It also made Draco stare at him like a hippogriff. And then he pushed Harry away.
“What do you mean?” Draco had asked him, grabbing his boxers and trousers to get dressed immediately.
“Do I have to say it again?” Harry has replied, frowning as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“What’s this about now, Potter?”
Draco had occasionally called Harry by his surname at times, but never with such menace.
“Look, what I’ve said is clear enough to-”
“Do you say this to everyone you have a thing with?”
“Wha-how is that any of your business?”
“It is my business if you’re throwing those words around like that!” Draco had retorted furiously, tossing his shirt over his shoulder and heading for the doorway.
“I’ve never said it before! Not to anyone!” Harry had confessed pleadingly. “Believe me. Please.”
“Why would you say such a thing?”
“I-I don’t know,” was the only thing Harry could think of saying. He had felt so weak and foolish, with Draco questioning him about his own damn feelings.
Draco could only purse his lips into a thin line. He had glared at Harry for the longest time, his grey eyes nearly piercing through him like icicles. And Harry could feel the pain intensify the longer the silence became. It hurt. Not because he said something he thought meant, but because the look on Draco’s face was one of disappointment. It was all because of him. He knew that familiar leering face, but this time he could read it more thoroughly. There was doubt and confusion underneath all the anger, which Harry could feel as well. But he had acted like an idiot, screwing up another good thing in his life once again.
And that was why Harry was still at the playground for most of the morning, trying to forget about what happened and failing rather miserably. It wasn’t like he had done anything wrong. Was it wrong to be honest? Relationships were supposed to be honest, trusting and…
This is not a relationship.
Harry bit his lip, trying to suppress the cry that wanted to escape his throat. He could feel himself shaking, so he tightened his hold onto the swing. Exhaling deeply, he released a puff of cold air, as if that would do something. Nothing changed. He didn’t know what to do. What was there to do, when one had believed in something that had been a lie from the beginning? It was one his very own lies, damn it! He and Draco never had any declaration of a relationship at all. Everything had always been mutual, but then again, actions seemed to speak louder than words.
“Words are nothing, I reckon,” Harry told the sky as it snowed a bit harder. “It’s all rubbish.”
The sting in his eyes made him feel worse. He didn’t know why he was acting so vulnerable over something so little. But this was about Draco. It couldn’t be such a minor issue if Draco could make him feel so shitty. And loved ones weren’t supposed to do that, were they? Could he even consider him a loved one?
“This is ridiculous,” Harry said aloud, getting up from the swing. “I must be going mad.”
“Maybe you are.”
Harry quickly turned around, trying to locate where the voice came from. It couldn’t possibly be…no. His imagination was definitely playing around with him. It was a mind game. But when he began to walk away toward the gate entrance, he could feel the eyes of someone watching him. He turned around again, but there was no one behind him.
“Bloody hell. I’ve definitely gone mad now.”
Harry sniffed, shaking his head before continuing his way to exit the playground. And that was when he saw something flash from the corner of his eye. It was something dark, and for all he knew, it could have been an animal prancing off into the woods. Then again, maybe it was just a mirage, since Harry hadn’t bothered with sleep the night before.
“Was it even worth it?” Harry asked himself, finally walking out of the playground and onto the street. “I shouldn’t have said anything at all.”
Before he could analyse things further, arms snaked around his waist, holding him tightly. Harry opened his mouth to say something but only a startled gasp came out as he felt a head rest upon his shoulder. He knew this position well, with Draco always burying his face in the crook of his neck all the time in the late nights. But this was impossible…
“I’m glad you did say it,” a voice whispered in his ear. Harry shivered as soon as he heard it, his heart racing rapidly.
“What?”
Instead of hearing an answer, Harry found himself being dragged under silky fabric, only to be kissed on the lips. His eyes immediately fluttered shut, because his heart knew this was right. He could feel lips pressing hard against his, constantly moving in synchronisation. But it wasn’t enough. Harry wanted more and he was going to get it by using his tongue to prod the other mouth open.
When he did this, he got exactly what he wanted. Harry grinned before continuing his journey to explore the delicious mouth occupying his. He could feel a tongue push into his mouth, but he wasn’t going to have any of it. Harry used his tongue to duel with the other, and it couldn’t have gotten better. Except it did.
“I love you,” was all he could hear. “I love you, Harry…”
Harry wasn’t sure if his conscience was reciting that to him, just because he had wanted to hear those words for so long. But the murmurs never stopped, even as hands wandered down his back to grab his firm buttocks. Even when teeth dragged down toward his neck so the skin could be nipped.
He moaned in response as the teeth sucked while lips kissed the marks away. It was unbearable. Harry let his hand find Draco’s, stopping him for a moment. He opened his eyes, only to find Draco gazing back at him.
“Draco…” he wheezed out.
Harry wasn’t sure what to say about Draco’s appearance. He wasn’t wearing his usual thick, black coat or his hat. Draco only had on the black sweater Harry had seen him wearing from yesterday, along with the same trousers and shoes. His eyes were a bit red and bloodshot, probably from insomnia. But studying Draco so closely, holding him, Harry had a bad feeling that wasn’t it. The tight grip he felt on his arm said something else. Had Draco been crying? Was that why they were both huddle under his Invisibility Cloak, so they wouldn’t be seen? So he wouldn’t be seen in such a right state?
“Draco,” started Harry with concern, cupping Draco’s cold face with his gloved hands. “I’m sorry…I didn’t know-”
“I’m the one who should be sorry, Harry,” Draco cut him off softly, shivering. “I shouldn’t have doubted you, or even let you take off…”
“I went for a walk.”
“You left because of me. Don’t try to lie about it.”
“I’m not-”
But the aggrieved expression on Draco’s face made Harry feel so guilty. He could feel his heart constrict, making him breathe harder and faster. What was he going to do with himself if this was how things were going to end? He couldn’t think of anything else to give, when he had been so sure love was enough. If love was supposed to be his special gift, why did it never fix anything? Why did it never make him happy?
“I needed to think,” Harry answered hollowly, letting his hands drop to his sides. He took a small step back, good enough to still see Draco and be hidden under the cloak at the same time. “I didn’t know how you’d react and my instincts were right. I panicked because I didn’t mean to say it-”
“So you didn’t mean it at all?” asked Draco slowly, his voice slightly wavering. He narrowed his eyes at Harry, grabbing the edge of the cloak to pull it off of himself. “So this was something to say? A joke?”
“No…”
“What was it then?” bit out Draco angrily, shoving Harry away from him. “What the fuck do you think you were playing at?”
“I wasn’t…I wasn’t…” Harry trailed off feebly. He couldn’t find the right words to tell Draco the truth. His heart was so tight now and he could feel himself shaking again, this time in fear. What would Draco say if he knew how badly Harry wanted him? Would he believe Harry if he told him how much he mattered? Would he believe a one-time obsession had gradually turned into something more?
Harry had never intentionally tried to hurt anyone before. And it was killing him now that even the simplest words were enough to destroy something that had made him happier than he could imagine. All because of a love he could not deny. He realised this a while ago one morning when he had been watching Draco sleep. Seeing him furrow his brows slightly, Harry knew sleep never came well to Draco. He would always toss and turn, sometimes whining before using his pillow to cover his face.
It wasn’t until Draco had unconsciously reached out for him that Harry wanted to be the person to chase away his nightmares. No one had ever done that for him, but Harry understood how it felt to suffer each and every night. And that was when he knew there was something more between them. Their rivalry had long died away, replaced by friendship. But Harry was sure friendship had blossomed into something more intimate. It had to be love. He thought he had loved Ginny once. But the feelings he had for Draco exceeded those he had for her. This was true love. That was when Harry knew he had always loved Draco, no matter what he kept trying to tell himself.
“I can’t believe how stupid I am,” Harry finally stated quietly, crossing his arms against his chest. His teeth were chattering and despite having a jacket on, he was freezing now. “I really thought…”
“Thought what?” persisted Draco suspiciously.
“I thought I loved you. It sounds stupid, even to me, but I just…I don’t know. I don’t know why I even said it aloud because it really doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”
Draco's eyes widened as he stared into the empty space in front of him. “What?”
It took a minute for Harry to continue, because he could slowly feel himself losing the battle to keep himself together. The tears that were stinging his eyes for the last few hours were now trailing down his cheeks. Thank Merlin for his cloak, as Draco wouldn’t be able to see him at his weakest. However, his voice still gave him away as the truth began to spill out.
“T-This thing we had...wasn’t just a thing to me. I wanted to hate you when I first saw you again, but how could I? I already knew what you did…and then what? The next thing I knew, you were living with me and we were practically snogging everywhere. How the hell was I supposed to still hate you?”
“I never-”
“I don’t know whether you hated me or not, or still do,” Harry cut Draco off, wrapping his cloak tight around his body. “But the way things were with us…you could have just liked it because it was convenient. It was physical contact and a lot of people want that. Trust me, I know.”
“Harry…”
“I thought having you around was something to get my mind off of everything. Like a distraction. But I was wrong. The more time we spent together, the more I realised-”
“You love me?” finished Draco, surprised.
“Yeah, that,” replied Harry lamely, wiping his eyes quickly and pushing up his glasses onto his nose.
They were silent as Draco continued to gaze into space, while Harry looked down at his shoes. It had stopped snowing by now, though the sky had turned darker. A crow perched on a tree branch behind them cawed before taking flight. And then Harry could hear footsteps. He glanced up to find Draco walking slowly toward him with one hand out in front of him.
“Where are you?” Draco inquired softly, his fingers searching for the cloak.
But Harry moved away, not wanting to Draco to find him, though his brain said otherwise. Because if this was the moment when Draco wanted to reject him, he wasn’t sure if he could live with that. He wasn’t sure if he would have the strength to kill Voldemort when the time came. His one and only weapon would be destroyed. Without Draco, he was nothing. And if Harry was nothing…well, that meant his fate was already chosen for him.
“Accio Invisibility Cloak!”
He felt the cloak being lifted from his grasp, and before he could grab it again, the fabric was sliding between Draco’s hands. Harry glanced up, seeing indifference plastered onto Draco’s face. He cringed, averting his eyes to the bright snow he was now standing on. If he could only sink down into it to forget about everything…
“They say love is only for fools,” began Draco, examining the cloak carefully. “It’s a weakness that can kill you, so I’ve been told. Hatred has much more power. More control and absolutely no remorse. It seems like a lot of people prefer that over love, don’t you think?”
Harry didn’t dare answer, not trusting himself to speak. He was also aware of how close Draco’s body was from his. He could feel warm body heat, even though Draco was pacing around him. However, he didn’t know whether to expect a slap in the face or a punch in the gut. He couldn’t imagine how furious Draco was right now. So Harry tried to will himself to be prepared for what came next. He waited.
“We once hated each other,” continued Draco with a low voice, shaking his hair out of his eyes. “We once befriended each other…and from then on, touched each other and even made love to one another. You can classify that as ‘fucking’ but I didn’t use that term, did I? I can say I fucked Pansy or Blaise, but does that mean anything?”
The absence of an answer made Draco stop in front of Harry. He took a finger to lift Harry’s chin up. “Look at me, Harry. What does that mean to you?”
Forcing himself to gaze into Draco’s eyes, Harry cringed again before laughing bitterly. “It means you’ve certainly gotten around during school. I don’t particularly care either because-”
“It doesn’t mean anything comparing to what you mean to me.”
Harry was pretty sure he heard wrong. Draco had completely belittled what love was about and yet…
“Obviously, hatred can’t be that strong if we don’t hate each other anymore. It never destroyed us, like it’s supposed to.”
“Why are you telling me this?” inquired Harry, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Because you were always one to love. I always tried to hate, but I couldn’t. It never gave me a purpose to do something, to be someone. So when you offered me your hand this time…I…”
“You accepted because you wanted to?”
“Yes,” admitted Draco hesitantly, still playing with the Invisibility Cloak. “I never actually hated you. Hatred was the only way to cover it up. It was the only thing that didn’t make me look foolish. It did anyway, especially when you, of all people, caught me in the act of, well…doing things last year. You were the only one who almost…cared. Look, this seems so absurd…”
“It doesn’t,” said Harry firmly, still watching Draco in awe. “So the only reason you acted the way you have for the past six years was because…”
“I was in love with you,” concluded Draco faintly. “And I still am.”
Hearing those words didn’t matter to Harry anymore. What mattered was the truth had finally been exposed. The feelings he had been hiding, that Draco had been hiding as well, were the same. They were made for each other.
“I love you, Harry,” whispered Draco, holding out the cloak to him.
Harry gave him a watery grin before taking it in his hands. “I love you, too, Draco,” he replied confidently for the first time. And before he knew it, he found himself planting a big wet kiss on Draco’s lips.
Draco was surprised, but quickly recovered by easing into the kiss. He returned it passionately, running his fingers through Harry’s messy mop of hair. Harry chuckled, breaking away so he could rub his nose against Draco’s cheek. Looking into his eyes now, Harry saw something he thought he would never see before. It was pure happiness.
Harry could feel himself bursting with elation. He had finally done something right for once. He threw his cloak out, letting it rise into the air to encircle it around himself and Draco.
“Ready to go?”
“Always with you.”
They smiled at each other, ducking under the cloak, hand in hand, before vanishing into thin air.