I Envy You
Title: I Envy You
Author: sugareey (aka ME)
Rating: pg-13
Pairing: H/D
Word Count: 2,150
Summary: words that have never been said...
Disclaimer: not mine. however, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: post hbp. this is from the determination series
A/N: this is for the AWDT prompt cocoa butter body lotion for nocturnali and jamie2109. cheers!
p.s. it was really nocturnali who got me motivated to start the sequel to I Fear You. i thank her for giving me the idea!
p.p.s. totally random, but it made me smile when i saw a college girl with a scarf. a burgundy and golden scarf. gryffindor. yes this was at work. so i'm not an obsessed dork after all. =D
“So this is it, eh? Number 12 Grimmauld Place. It’s as filthy as my mother said.”
“Shove off! I live here!”
“Are you kidding me? Comparing to Weasley’s shack, I can hardly call this nice.”
“If you weren’t being such a git, you would know that this could have been your aunt’s property!”
Draco stopped walking as he looked around. His aunt’s property? Oh, yes…Bellatrix. She was a Black, after all. She could have inherited this bloody house and…
“Hang on, why wouldn’t my mother inherit this crappy place? Not like we need it, given how disgusting-”
“Sirius was Bellatrix’s cousin,” Harry replied forcefully. “They were a bit closer, weren’t they? Of course,” he said more quietly as he closed the door, “his will gave me the obligation over this place and…”
He trailed off, staring at the dull, wooden floor. Just mentioning Sirius out loud sent a fresh pang of regret through his heart. Harry could never forget that he mistakenly led Sirius to his death. Still, there was no time to mourn anymore. Grimmauld Place still had a purpose. The place itself was Harry’s refuge and Kreacher was somewhat useful for information. This was what Harry had left.
“So you own this?” a voice interrupted Harry’s thoughts. “And the house elf? Everything here belongs to you?”
Harry looked up to see Draco eying him suspiciously. He pursed his lips into a thin line before nodding. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he began heading upstairs.
“Yeah, it’s all mine. Even Kreacher, to some extent.”
Draco watched as Harry disappeared. He could hear the footsteps fade away. Unsure of what to do, he leaned against the wall near the stairs. There had to be more to this story, he thought to himself. It was ironic enough that Harry offered him safety, even though he was a Death Eater. Harry had known Draco was up to something last year, thanks to Goyle ‘s frequent reports. He knew Draco sent the amulet to Katie and poisoned the mead Ron drank just before Christmas. That made sense because who else would do that, now that the Death Eaters were active again? Who would most likely join them next?
“Me,” whispered Draco aloud. “I’m a Death Eater. I’m out to kill and destroy…”
“You are destroying life. You are hurting yourself,” Harry’s voice echoed inside of his mind.
Draco stared at his hands, which were now shaking. His hands, his body, his soul…they were dedicated to serve Lord Voldemort. And what would his service do? Would pulling out now make a difference? Would it be for the better or worse?
“He’s right. I’m hurting…”
Footsteps thudded down the stairs, bringing his attention back to Grimmauld Place. Glancing up, he saw Harry coming his way with something in his hand.
“Do you know what these are?” asked Harry, now face to face with Draco.
He held out his hand to reveal two identical golden lockets. He fixed daggers upon Draco before dangling each locket from each hand.
“Which one is real? Go on, tell me.”
Draco looked at one from the other, completely bewildered by Harry’s behavior. It took him a moment before he realized what they were.
“Oh,” said Draco as he reached out to touch the aged locket in Harry’s right hand.
“Clever, aren’t you? I wouldn’t touch this, as it used to be a part of Voldemort’s soul.”
Draco flinched, completely backing into the wall. Harry took a few steps toward him as he pocketed the lockets.
“What do you know about it? Has Snape or Voldemort told you anything?”
“Perhaps…a bit. Alright, somewhat.”
“Do you know where the remaining ones are?”
Draco hesitated. His heart was racing as he watched Harry’s face contort with anger. He couldn’t ever recall making him this livid before.
“Do you know where Snape is?” Harry spoke in a low voice.
“No, I don’t,” admitted Draco honestly.
“What else can you tell me?”
“I-”
Draco wanted to tell Harry everything. He had never voiced out his opinions to his father, mother or even Snape for that matter. It was too risky with Voldemort around. All he wanted to do was the right thing. Now, he realized he was alone. He had to make his own choices. But would the truth be convincing? Would Harry believe him? He had never given Harry a reason to trust him. What would change that now?
“I have nothing else to say.”
“You fucking liar!”
Harry prodded his wand at Draco’s throat. He pushed Draco against the wall, his hand on his chest. Draco could only whimper, clearly aware of what would happen next. He couldn’t let his cover blow. No one would understand. He squeezed his eyes shut to block out Harry’s ferocious glare. It was bad enough to know that the Death Eaters would be searching for him already. He had betrayed his family. But now…
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Draco opened his eyes when he no longer felt the wand digging into his skin. He was shocked to see Harry morosely lower his wand before stepping back. Locks of jet black hair hung in his eyes.
“What the-”
But Harry ignored Draco as he went upstairs again. Draco swore he could have heard a loud sniff before the door slammed. Sighing, he slid to the floor, burying his face in his hands.
~~~~~
He hardly heard the quiet footsteps enter the drawing room until he heard someone curse loudly. He set his mug of tea on the table before standing up to investigate. Squinting, he walked toward the doorway.
“Lumos!”
His wand lit up to reveal someone sprawled out on the floor, apparently in excruciating pain. Leaning closer, he held the wand in front of him.
“Malfoy?”
Harry held out a hand to pull Draco up. Draco was rubbing his head agitatedly as he followed him toward the table.
“You should invest on getting some lighting in this place,” he suggested. “At least some torches or candles in the hallway. Even a wand isn’t bright enough to see. I reckon I’ll kill myself if I keep walking into the walls.”
Harry smiled grimly as he looked out the window. He beckoned Draco to join him.
“So what’s up?”
Draco frowned. He had never heard Harry sound so sincere or concerned about him before. Things always change, he reminded himself.
“Couldn’t sleep, given the fact I was on the couch. It’s impossible when you’re trying to make those stupid portraits shut up.”
“You get used to it, I guess. They weren’t fond of some half-blood taking over the household.”
Draco said nothing as he leaned forward on the windowsill. He had never considered Harry as a half-blood, just plain Harry Potter. His rival, adversary, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the Boy-Who-Scored, or whatever they called him these days. Funny how he forgot about the obvious facts so easily. Maybe hatred got the better of him over the years. Or maybe it didn’t exist anymore.
“Ever wonder what things would be like if there were no such thing as war?” queried Harry softly.
Draco turned to look at Harry, who seemed to have aged within a few hours.
“Sometimes, I s’pose. Never really thought about it until now.”
Harry nodded, glancing out the window again.
“I’ve always wondered what would have happened if he succeeded.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if Voldemort killed me, none of this shit would have happened, right?”
Draco gawked at Harry, clearly sure he misheard him.
“Pardon?”
“It would have happened if the curse did go through me. I’d be with my parents and Sirius would still be alive. So would Dumbledore.”
“Potter, are you talking crap?”
Harry raised his eyebrows.
“What? I was just saying…never mind. Those are only fantasies. It doesn’t matter.”
Walking away from the window, Draco sat down at the table, staring at Harry’s cold mug of tea. He took his wand out to conjure two brightly lit candles and set them aside. They gave off the aroma of cocoa butter body lotion, not like Draco ever used it. Taking a whiff, Harry ran a hand over his tired face.
“I’ve never felt this shitty in my life.”
“Neither have I.”
At that, Harry turned to Draco. They stared at each other for a long time.
“I should have been killed, you know,” whispered Draco, finally breaking the silence. “Helping the Death Eaters break into Hogwarts was risky. And if I knew better…”
Draco paused, observing the flickers of candle flames. He tried to pinch the flames with his fingers, only to singe his skin.
“They’ll eventually find me. No one really cares anymore. Just Mother. She was the one who requested the Unbreakable Vow. She wanted to protect me.”
Harry took the seat opposite Draco, his eyes never leaving him. He patiently waited for Draco to say more.
“It was all pointless. I don’t know what they’ve done to her or where Snape has fled. It’s like being abandoned. I don’t where I’m going or what I should do.”
Draco was now sucking his fingers, trying to ease the pain of his burn. He muttered an incantation to heal the wound instantly. Studying the flesh in the candlelight, he spoke again.
“I wish they understood how wrong they were.”
Harry nodded in agreement.
“I wish people would accept reality.”
Draco’s head shot up to look at Harry. Harry sighed as he reheated his tea with his wand.
“No one believed me when I told them you were behind it all. They just thought I was being stupid or something. ‘It would be outrageous for Voldemort to let a sixteen-year old to join the Death Eaters!’ they kept telling me. I s’pose they underestimated him. But you knew I knew something was up. It’s not often that you get your nose broken on the Hogwarts Express.”
Draco blushed before bowing his head to hide his face.
“Saw you down in Knockturn Alley just before school began. Borgin and Burkes you went to, right? And after that, I kept an eye on you. You always looked so tired and malnourished, as if you were up late at night trying to accomplish something. I guess I was right. I mean what with the amulet and the mead-”
“Desperate means, Potter,” growled Draco. “What else could I do? March up to Dumbledore in the Great Hall and-”
“I had no idea what you were up to until I saw it on the map,” interjected Harry. “Room of Requirement, eh? After catching the D.A. in that room during 5th year, then you decided to use it to your advantage.”
“Only to fix a fucking Vanishing Cabinet,” muttered Draco under his breath.
“You almost had me fooled, Malfoy. Missing Quidditch matches, acting distant-”
“So you were stalking me?” inquired Draco, outraged. “You bloody pervert! What were you trying to do, find a way to get into my pants?”
Harry’s face went red and rigid.
“They thought I was an idiot,” he continued, ignoring the comment. “All of them, even Ron and Hermione. By the time they pieced it together it was too late. I was right all long. They probably wouldn’t believe me even now that you just deceived the Dark Lord.”
Draco leaned closer to gape at Harry.
“What are you-”
“Look, I don’t give second chances to any random person. Go ahead and think of me as some softhearted Gryffindor. It’s more complex than that. But if you’re willing to help me-”
“So you’re suggesting that I should spy for you? When your bloody people…no way!”
Draco pounded his fist on the table, making the mug and candles clatter.
“No! Not exactly spy but-”
“I will not do shit for people who doubt me,” spat Draco, now rising from his chair.
“Draco-”
“Don’t call me that!”
Harry stood abruptly, his hand gripping his wand tightly. Glowering at his half-filled mug, he transfigured it into a blank piece of parchment. He walked past Draco silently before heading towards his room. Draco heard the door slam for the second time that day. He glanced down at the parchment. To his astonishment, words were appearing right before his eyes.
I’ll do it myself and find him. I’ll make sure the prophecy is fulfilled.
Draco reread the words until it gave him a headache. Now, he was sure there was definitely more to the story. Perhaps Harry was trying to tell him something. Maybe he had overrated him.
I never knew I would fail everyone.
He watched as the new message appeared.
I just wanted to be someone. Have a normal life. Feel appreciated. Have a meaning.
The message lingered before vanishing. Another one started to appear.
I’m lost. I’m alone. I’m nothing.
Draco was about to leave when he did a double take.
I envy you.
next part: I Pity You
Author: sugareey (aka ME)
Rating: pg-13
Pairing: H/D
Word Count: 2,150
Summary: words that have never been said...
Disclaimer: not mine. however, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: post hbp. this is from the determination series
A/N: this is for the AWDT prompt cocoa butter body lotion for nocturnali and jamie2109. cheers!
p.s. it was really nocturnali who got me motivated to start the sequel to I Fear You. i thank her for giving me the idea!
p.p.s. totally random, but it made me smile when i saw a college girl with a scarf. a burgundy and golden scarf. gryffindor. yes this was at work. so i'm not an obsessed dork after all. =D
“So this is it, eh? Number 12 Grimmauld Place. It’s as filthy as my mother said.”
“Shove off! I live here!”
“Are you kidding me? Comparing to Weasley’s shack, I can hardly call this nice.”
“If you weren’t being such a git, you would know that this could have been your aunt’s property!”
Draco stopped walking as he looked around. His aunt’s property? Oh, yes…Bellatrix. She was a Black, after all. She could have inherited this bloody house and…
“Hang on, why wouldn’t my mother inherit this crappy place? Not like we need it, given how disgusting-”
“Sirius was Bellatrix’s cousin,” Harry replied forcefully. “They were a bit closer, weren’t they? Of course,” he said more quietly as he closed the door, “his will gave me the obligation over this place and…”
He trailed off, staring at the dull, wooden floor. Just mentioning Sirius out loud sent a fresh pang of regret through his heart. Harry could never forget that he mistakenly led Sirius to his death. Still, there was no time to mourn anymore. Grimmauld Place still had a purpose. The place itself was Harry’s refuge and Kreacher was somewhat useful for information. This was what Harry had left.
“So you own this?” a voice interrupted Harry’s thoughts. “And the house elf? Everything here belongs to you?”
Harry looked up to see Draco eying him suspiciously. He pursed his lips into a thin line before nodding. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he began heading upstairs.
“Yeah, it’s all mine. Even Kreacher, to some extent.”
Draco watched as Harry disappeared. He could hear the footsteps fade away. Unsure of what to do, he leaned against the wall near the stairs. There had to be more to this story, he thought to himself. It was ironic enough that Harry offered him safety, even though he was a Death Eater. Harry had known Draco was up to something last year, thanks to Goyle ‘s frequent reports. He knew Draco sent the amulet to Katie and poisoned the mead Ron drank just before Christmas. That made sense because who else would do that, now that the Death Eaters were active again? Who would most likely join them next?
“Me,” whispered Draco aloud. “I’m a Death Eater. I’m out to kill and destroy…”
“You are destroying life. You are hurting yourself,” Harry’s voice echoed inside of his mind.
Draco stared at his hands, which were now shaking. His hands, his body, his soul…they were dedicated to serve Lord Voldemort. And what would his service do? Would pulling out now make a difference? Would it be for the better or worse?
“He’s right. I’m hurting…”
Footsteps thudded down the stairs, bringing his attention back to Grimmauld Place. Glancing up, he saw Harry coming his way with something in his hand.
“Do you know what these are?” asked Harry, now face to face with Draco.
He held out his hand to reveal two identical golden lockets. He fixed daggers upon Draco before dangling each locket from each hand.
“Which one is real? Go on, tell me.”
Draco looked at one from the other, completely bewildered by Harry’s behavior. It took him a moment before he realized what they were.
“Oh,” said Draco as he reached out to touch the aged locket in Harry’s right hand.
“Clever, aren’t you? I wouldn’t touch this, as it used to be a part of Voldemort’s soul.”
Draco flinched, completely backing into the wall. Harry took a few steps toward him as he pocketed the lockets.
“What do you know about it? Has Snape or Voldemort told you anything?”
“Perhaps…a bit. Alright, somewhat.”
“Do you know where the remaining ones are?”
Draco hesitated. His heart was racing as he watched Harry’s face contort with anger. He couldn’t ever recall making him this livid before.
“Do you know where Snape is?” Harry spoke in a low voice.
“No, I don’t,” admitted Draco honestly.
“What else can you tell me?”
“I-”
Draco wanted to tell Harry everything. He had never voiced out his opinions to his father, mother or even Snape for that matter. It was too risky with Voldemort around. All he wanted to do was the right thing. Now, he realized he was alone. He had to make his own choices. But would the truth be convincing? Would Harry believe him? He had never given Harry a reason to trust him. What would change that now?
“I have nothing else to say.”
“You fucking liar!”
Harry prodded his wand at Draco’s throat. He pushed Draco against the wall, his hand on his chest. Draco could only whimper, clearly aware of what would happen next. He couldn’t let his cover blow. No one would understand. He squeezed his eyes shut to block out Harry’s ferocious glare. It was bad enough to know that the Death Eaters would be searching for him already. He had betrayed his family. But now…
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Draco opened his eyes when he no longer felt the wand digging into his skin. He was shocked to see Harry morosely lower his wand before stepping back. Locks of jet black hair hung in his eyes.
“What the-”
But Harry ignored Draco as he went upstairs again. Draco swore he could have heard a loud sniff before the door slammed. Sighing, he slid to the floor, burying his face in his hands.
~~~~~
He hardly heard the quiet footsteps enter the drawing room until he heard someone curse loudly. He set his mug of tea on the table before standing up to investigate. Squinting, he walked toward the doorway.
“Lumos!”
His wand lit up to reveal someone sprawled out on the floor, apparently in excruciating pain. Leaning closer, he held the wand in front of him.
“Malfoy?”
Harry held out a hand to pull Draco up. Draco was rubbing his head agitatedly as he followed him toward the table.
“You should invest on getting some lighting in this place,” he suggested. “At least some torches or candles in the hallway. Even a wand isn’t bright enough to see. I reckon I’ll kill myself if I keep walking into the walls.”
Harry smiled grimly as he looked out the window. He beckoned Draco to join him.
“So what’s up?”
Draco frowned. He had never heard Harry sound so sincere or concerned about him before. Things always change, he reminded himself.
“Couldn’t sleep, given the fact I was on the couch. It’s impossible when you’re trying to make those stupid portraits shut up.”
“You get used to it, I guess. They weren’t fond of some half-blood taking over the household.”
Draco said nothing as he leaned forward on the windowsill. He had never considered Harry as a half-blood, just plain Harry Potter. His rival, adversary, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the Boy-Who-Scored, or whatever they called him these days. Funny how he forgot about the obvious facts so easily. Maybe hatred got the better of him over the years. Or maybe it didn’t exist anymore.
“Ever wonder what things would be like if there were no such thing as war?” queried Harry softly.
Draco turned to look at Harry, who seemed to have aged within a few hours.
“Sometimes, I s’pose. Never really thought about it until now.”
Harry nodded, glancing out the window again.
“I’ve always wondered what would have happened if he succeeded.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if Voldemort killed me, none of this shit would have happened, right?”
Draco gawked at Harry, clearly sure he misheard him.
“Pardon?”
“It would have happened if the curse did go through me. I’d be with my parents and Sirius would still be alive. So would Dumbledore.”
“Potter, are you talking crap?”
Harry raised his eyebrows.
“What? I was just saying…never mind. Those are only fantasies. It doesn’t matter.”
Walking away from the window, Draco sat down at the table, staring at Harry’s cold mug of tea. He took his wand out to conjure two brightly lit candles and set them aside. They gave off the aroma of cocoa butter body lotion, not like Draco ever used it. Taking a whiff, Harry ran a hand over his tired face.
“I’ve never felt this shitty in my life.”
“Neither have I.”
At that, Harry turned to Draco. They stared at each other for a long time.
“I should have been killed, you know,” whispered Draco, finally breaking the silence. “Helping the Death Eaters break into Hogwarts was risky. And if I knew better…”
Draco paused, observing the flickers of candle flames. He tried to pinch the flames with his fingers, only to singe his skin.
“They’ll eventually find me. No one really cares anymore. Just Mother. She was the one who requested the Unbreakable Vow. She wanted to protect me.”
Harry took the seat opposite Draco, his eyes never leaving him. He patiently waited for Draco to say more.
“It was all pointless. I don’t know what they’ve done to her or where Snape has fled. It’s like being abandoned. I don’t where I’m going or what I should do.”
Draco was now sucking his fingers, trying to ease the pain of his burn. He muttered an incantation to heal the wound instantly. Studying the flesh in the candlelight, he spoke again.
“I wish they understood how wrong they were.”
Harry nodded in agreement.
“I wish people would accept reality.”
Draco’s head shot up to look at Harry. Harry sighed as he reheated his tea with his wand.
“No one believed me when I told them you were behind it all. They just thought I was being stupid or something. ‘It would be outrageous for Voldemort to let a sixteen-year old to join the Death Eaters!’ they kept telling me. I s’pose they underestimated him. But you knew I knew something was up. It’s not often that you get your nose broken on the Hogwarts Express.”
Draco blushed before bowing his head to hide his face.
“Saw you down in Knockturn Alley just before school began. Borgin and Burkes you went to, right? And after that, I kept an eye on you. You always looked so tired and malnourished, as if you were up late at night trying to accomplish something. I guess I was right. I mean what with the amulet and the mead-”
“Desperate means, Potter,” growled Draco. “What else could I do? March up to Dumbledore in the Great Hall and-”
“I had no idea what you were up to until I saw it on the map,” interjected Harry. “Room of Requirement, eh? After catching the D.A. in that room during 5th year, then you decided to use it to your advantage.”
“Only to fix a fucking Vanishing Cabinet,” muttered Draco under his breath.
“You almost had me fooled, Malfoy. Missing Quidditch matches, acting distant-”
“So you were stalking me?” inquired Draco, outraged. “You bloody pervert! What were you trying to do, find a way to get into my pants?”
Harry’s face went red and rigid.
“They thought I was an idiot,” he continued, ignoring the comment. “All of them, even Ron and Hermione. By the time they pieced it together it was too late. I was right all long. They probably wouldn’t believe me even now that you just deceived the Dark Lord.”
Draco leaned closer to gape at Harry.
“What are you-”
“Look, I don’t give second chances to any random person. Go ahead and think of me as some softhearted Gryffindor. It’s more complex than that. But if you’re willing to help me-”
“So you’re suggesting that I should spy for you? When your bloody people…no way!”
Draco pounded his fist on the table, making the mug and candles clatter.
“No! Not exactly spy but-”
“I will not do shit for people who doubt me,” spat Draco, now rising from his chair.
“Draco-”
“Don’t call me that!”
Harry stood abruptly, his hand gripping his wand tightly. Glowering at his half-filled mug, he transfigured it into a blank piece of parchment. He walked past Draco silently before heading towards his room. Draco heard the door slam for the second time that day. He glanced down at the parchment. To his astonishment, words were appearing right before his eyes.
I’ll do it myself and find him. I’ll make sure the prophecy is fulfilled.
Draco reread the words until it gave him a headache. Now, he was sure there was definitely more to the story. Perhaps Harry was trying to tell him something. Maybe he had overrated him.
I never knew I would fail everyone.
He watched as the new message appeared.
I just wanted to be someone. Have a normal life. Feel appreciated. Have a meaning.
The message lingered before vanishing. Another one started to appear.
I’m lost. I’m alone. I’m nothing.
Draco was about to leave when he did a double take.
I envy you.
next part: I Pity You