Understanding
Title: Understanding
Author: sugareey (aka ME)
Rating: R
Pairing: H/D
Word Count: 2,347
Summary: Harry takes a closer look at Draco.
Disclaimer: not mine. however, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: post hbp. i think this might be a 7 part series. hehehehe. this is part 4/7 of the redemption series
A/N: continued from Realisation. this is for the AWDT prompts "that's all we've got", "can we fix it?" and "i don't need you to save me" for nocturnali and jamie2109. cheers!
I worry all the time, why worry anymore
Now I go, away
Now I know, today
I picked out your star
Turned night to day
A simple whisper from your voice
and I fade away
You wish for love
You pushed me away
Your love for me was everything I need
The air I breathe...
-The All-American Rejects
~~~~~
Why I’m letting Draco stay at Grimmauld Place is beyond me. I’m actually not sure. Imagine if Ron and Hermione dropped by! They would think I’ve really lost it! The whole idea would’ve been funny if Draco hadn’t told me about Voldemort. It scared me to see him shed real tears. It was different when I hexed him in the bathroom, which I still regret. But he was crying to me. Most people never do that. They just hope I win. And surprisingly, he didn’t even want to leave.
I wonder what he has been up to all this time. Did he try to escape before? Or has he been with Voldemort until now? I can tell Draco has never been scared for his life. The way he told me he didn’t want to die, how he hasn’t suffered before. It’s his first time. He knows I go through this pain every year. I’m still not immune to it. I will never be as long as I live. Neither will anyone else.
After forcing Kreacher to make breakfast (which I’ll have to taste-test later), I make my way up to the second landing. I knock on the door, entering when I hear no response. I remember this room quite clearly. Ron and I shared it back in fifth year when the Order held their headquarters here. I used to mope around in this room when no one told me anything. When I did hear things, I used to blame myself for the chaos. I reckon I still do. But those are only memories. Now, Draco sleeps on the bed next to the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. It’s ironic, because that's where I used to sleep.
Watching Draco sleep makes him look almost innocent, like an angel. His blond hair glows. His skin is so white. But I know the flesh is no longer flawless. Scars run all over his body from the war. Or mostly from Voldemort. I would remember since I healed some of them. He looks like he’s going to break. I’m afraid to touch him. He’s like a valuable porcelain doll. Maybe it’s too much for him to handle. But he still has a damn choice, if he only understood…
Just as I cross the threshold back into the hallway, he calls for me. I turn around to find him stirring out of sleep.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m just going to check on breakfast,” I reply. “Thought I’d see if you’re awake first.”
“Well, obviously I am now. Can you...stay here for a bit? Please?”
I hesitate before sitting on the other bed. I gaze at him curiously. Never would I have thought Draco would step into Sirius' house. Or that I would take care of him. That he would give up. So much has changed since June. But change is necessary if we want to win, or survive for that matter. This is all we’ve got left. What we have now is what we need to hold onto.
Draco is staring back at me. There’s no hint of an icy glare or a malevolent smirk. Hatred has diminished, maybe for good. All I see is a human face, hoping for more. For what, I can’t say. Maybe for a new life. His expression is still hard to read though, with his eyes glazed over, as if they were blank, or maybe he's just confused. What I do know is that this isn’t the Draco I knew back at Hogwarts.
“Feeling better?” I say, breaking the silence.
“What? Oh-yeah. Still sore.”
“Yeah.”
Silence elongates. I don’t even know what to say to him. The fact that he is related to Lucius Malfoy keeps nagging at me. His father...a Death Eater filled with pure venom. The man who almost killed Ginny and brought Tom Riddle's soul to life. He watched Voldemort torture me in the graveyard. He tried to steal the prophecy. He wants to kill me, just like his other companions. And yet, with all his friends and relatives heading toward this path, why Draco hasn’t followed thier footsteps?
“So…Horcruxes,” I say lamely.
Draco raises an eyebrow at me. He props himself up with his elbows. “What about them?”
“You know about them, Malfoy. You saw one yourself and now you know they exist.”
“And this is relevant because…”
“Tell me about the remaining ones.”
Draco sits upright, banging his head against the headboard. He curses under his breath before glowering at me. “You think it’s so easy, don’t you, Potter? You think you can get rid of all them and get this over with when you kill the Dark Lord. It’s not that easy.”
“Who said it was?” I answer defensively. “It has never been easy since the day I was born! Living in a cupboard with Muggles for ten years isn’t glory. Facing Voldemort hasn’t been either. Having him hurt the ones you love makes it worse...”
“I...I know.”
Draco stares blankly at the wall. It is then that I remember what he had told me yesterday. And for once, I can understand why everything is so hard for him. One could say Draco deserves to suffer for becoming a Death Eater. He chose to take the Dark Mark and accepted his first task. But he also chose to run away. For as long as I’ve known him, Draco has never showed fear. Maybe with the exception of our first year detention in the Forbidden Forest, but we were kids. He had always the stupid git who drove me up the walls, who could get under my skin, just for the fun of it. That is, until he went to Voldemort. Now he regrets it, or does he? Time will only tell.
I stand up to leave. Draco watches me uneasily. I sigh before looking back. “Breakfast is downstairs.”
He nods. I try to smile, but I know it comes out as a frown. It’s hard to smile these days. Shutting the door, I make my way to the kitchen. I can feel the tears trickling down my cheeks. I don’t know why I’m crying again. I take a deep breath, pausing on the first landing. My vision is blurry and I can’t get myself to stop. I think I might be crying for the world. For myself, as usual. And maybe for Draco.
~~~~~
The tapestry looks so familiar every time I study it. I always look at it when I have a chance. It reminds me how there will never be unity in our world. Sometimes, it’s reassuring. Noticing the many branches of the Black family, I know I have a reason to fight. A majority of these purebloods are Voldemort’s supporters. Now I just have to stop them.
My eyes wander to the burnt spot next to Regulus Black. I miss Sirius so much. It hurts to see this every time, to reside in the house he gave to me. We could have lived in the country! And then I had to screw up, like I always do. I follow the branch linking Narcissa Black to Lucius Malfoy. Together, they create a branch connecting to Draco Malfoy.
“Hey,” comes a voice from the doorway.
Talk about impeccable timing. “Hey. Awake again?”
Draco smiles before shrugging. “Didn’t think I would find you. Why are you…here? In the drawing room, of all places?”
“Well…” I start hesitantly. But he sees the family tree I’ve been looking. He walks toward it until he’s next to me. His shoulder brushes mine. I blink.
“Taking notice of our lovely family?” asks Draco bitterly.
“No. I’m just reflecting on what has been lost.”
Draco studies me closely. I can feel his eyes burning right through me, but I refuse to look up. Instead, I observe my scuffed up trainers. When that doesn’t seem to catch my interest, I raise my head. Grey eyes captivate me. Looking closer, I can also see flecks of blue and hazel. It's an amazing mixture that creates create a beautiful color. The pupils are big and round, almost excited. I painfully shift my gaze back to the tapestry.
“I wish…”
But I decide not to finish. I walk past Draco to leave the room. I turn my head to find pale fingers gripping my arm. I swallow hard. Draco silently begs me not to leave him alone. I can see the anguish just from looking at his face. I know I have to. Shaking his grip off of me, I smile at him grimly before walking out.
~~~~~
Even a year or two, I can still manage to wake up myself up when I hear my own screams. The nightmares have gotten worse. It’s always the same. I drown in memories until darkness smothers me. Each night is torture. I wish I could live in fantasies. I wish magic never existed. But even that’s a lie because despite the Dark, magic is a gift. I do know one fact though. I despise the Boy-Who-Lived.
The last thing I see behind my eyelids is my own corpse. When I wake up tonight, I find that I’m not alone. Someone is in the room. Clinging to my pillow with my legs tangled within sheets, I squeeze my eyes shut. I can see Voldemort laughing, Draco crumpling to the ground, a wand pointed to my chest. I howl in defeat, pressing my face into the pillow.
Hands lift me up into a sitting position. Fingers press my back lightly, rubbing circle gentle circles to soothe my nerves. I feel my erratic breathing regulate slowly. When I open my eyes, its the glint of blond that tells me what I need to know.
“Draco…”
I startle myself, calling him by his first name. I’ve never done it before. It feels strange to hear it rolling off of my tongue.
“Are you alright?” he replies. “I heard you, yelling and…”
I shake my head, bringing my knees to my chest. I hug them. “Was it a nightmare?”
I nod. I wince when I notice his concerned expression.
“What did you see?”
I hesitate. I don’t know how much he knows. I don’t know if he’ll believe what I say. His father might have told him things, but those could be exaggerations of how stupid I am. I wring my hands as I speak.
“Have you ever wanted something before? Not sweets or presents, but something to call your own? Did you ever believe in fairytales? Or wonder whether people see you for who you are?”
Draco looks frightened. I know he’s bewildered by my words, but he remains silent.
“I never had anything from the beginning. The Dursleys gave me shelter but it wasn’t home. When I stayed at Hogwarts, I thought that was where I belonged. But I don’t even have that anymore. I’ve tried to be the hero. But really, am I? Do heroes get what they want? I learned about Voldemort and escaped him in first year. But then it became tougher. I destroyed the first Horcrux…his diary. I found out about Wormtail. I saw Cedric die…”
I release my hands, aware of the half moon imprints on my flesh. I take a shaky breath.
“Wormtail took a knife, letting it pierce my skin to release the blood now running through Voldemort. He could have killed me in the graveyard or at the Ministry. But then Sirius fell through the Veil…”
Why do my bloody memories have to haunt me every night? Why can’t I repress them and just move on? Why can’t I forget they ever happened?
“Maybe we can fix it…” Draco trails off. Deep down, we both know that’s impossible.
“There’s a prophecy, Draco. Did you know that? Your father pointed it out. Afterwards, Dumbledore told me everything. But the prophecy explains my connection with Voldemort.”
“Tell me…”
“I have to die.”
“What?”
Draco sits so close to me, I can feel his shallow breath on my neck. It makes me nervous.
“Or he will,” I continue, refocusing on the topic. “Unless we both die...”
“That’s absolute-”
“Last year, I knew what you were up to. I knew you gave Katie the amulet. I thought you poisoned the mead Ron drank. I didn’t know why. I found out when Dumbledore died. I had all my clues before his death, but the last bit of hope…”
I sigh, moving away from the bed. I look out the window.
“I can still die trying.”
“Shut up!” seethes Draco sternly. “You know why I had to do it! You know what happened! And now I’m here!”
“I’m sorry I ever knew.”
I press my forehead onto the cool glass before shutting my eyes. It eases the pain slightly. I wish I wasn’t Harry Potter…
“Merlin, Potter! You’re going to kill the bloody bastard for once and for all!”
“And how would you know? I don’t have a fucking choice!”
I shiver when warm arms wrap around my waist. They hold me tight. I can hear soft gasps near my ear. I feel lightheaded.
“I don’t need you to save me,” I choke out.
“I know, but I’m not letting you go.”
Blond hair tickles my cheeks as Draco buries his face in the crook my neck. And then I feel something soft and wet touching me skin lightly. I'm holding my breath as Draco holds me tighter and it's obvious what he is doing when he looks up at me. He presses his lips against my neck again, making me moan quietly. The moist tongue leaves a trail. It is teeth that will leave a mark. Comprehension is a failure. All I understand is that Dark will always accompany Light.
next part: Reliance
Author: sugareey (aka ME)
Rating: R
Pairing: H/D
Word Count: 2,347
Summary: Harry takes a closer look at Draco.
Disclaimer: not mine. however, it is my duty to manipulate the characters.
Warning: post hbp. i think this might be a 7 part series. hehehehe. this is part 4/7 of the redemption series
A/N: continued from Realisation. this is for the AWDT prompts "that's all we've got", "can we fix it?" and "i don't need you to save me" for nocturnali and jamie2109. cheers!
I worry all the time, why worry anymore
Now I go, away
Now I know, today
I picked out your star
Turned night to day
A simple whisper from your voice
and I fade away
You wish for love
You pushed me away
Your love for me was everything I need
The air I breathe...
-The All-American Rejects
~~~~~
Why I’m letting Draco stay at Grimmauld Place is beyond me. I’m actually not sure. Imagine if Ron and Hermione dropped by! They would think I’ve really lost it! The whole idea would’ve been funny if Draco hadn’t told me about Voldemort. It scared me to see him shed real tears. It was different when I hexed him in the bathroom, which I still regret. But he was crying to me. Most people never do that. They just hope I win. And surprisingly, he didn’t even want to leave.
I wonder what he has been up to all this time. Did he try to escape before? Or has he been with Voldemort until now? I can tell Draco has never been scared for his life. The way he told me he didn’t want to die, how he hasn’t suffered before. It’s his first time. He knows I go through this pain every year. I’m still not immune to it. I will never be as long as I live. Neither will anyone else.
After forcing Kreacher to make breakfast (which I’ll have to taste-test later), I make my way up to the second landing. I knock on the door, entering when I hear no response. I remember this room quite clearly. Ron and I shared it back in fifth year when the Order held their headquarters here. I used to mope around in this room when no one told me anything. When I did hear things, I used to blame myself for the chaos. I reckon I still do. But those are only memories. Now, Draco sleeps on the bed next to the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. It’s ironic, because that's where I used to sleep.
Watching Draco sleep makes him look almost innocent, like an angel. His blond hair glows. His skin is so white. But I know the flesh is no longer flawless. Scars run all over his body from the war. Or mostly from Voldemort. I would remember since I healed some of them. He looks like he’s going to break. I’m afraid to touch him. He’s like a valuable porcelain doll. Maybe it’s too much for him to handle. But he still has a damn choice, if he only understood…
Just as I cross the threshold back into the hallway, he calls for me. I turn around to find him stirring out of sleep.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m just going to check on breakfast,” I reply. “Thought I’d see if you’re awake first.”
“Well, obviously I am now. Can you...stay here for a bit? Please?”
I hesitate before sitting on the other bed. I gaze at him curiously. Never would I have thought Draco would step into Sirius' house. Or that I would take care of him. That he would give up. So much has changed since June. But change is necessary if we want to win, or survive for that matter. This is all we’ve got left. What we have now is what we need to hold onto.
Draco is staring back at me. There’s no hint of an icy glare or a malevolent smirk. Hatred has diminished, maybe for good. All I see is a human face, hoping for more. For what, I can’t say. Maybe for a new life. His expression is still hard to read though, with his eyes glazed over, as if they were blank, or maybe he's just confused. What I do know is that this isn’t the Draco I knew back at Hogwarts.
“Feeling better?” I say, breaking the silence.
“What? Oh-yeah. Still sore.”
“Yeah.”
Silence elongates. I don’t even know what to say to him. The fact that he is related to Lucius Malfoy keeps nagging at me. His father...a Death Eater filled with pure venom. The man who almost killed Ginny and brought Tom Riddle's soul to life. He watched Voldemort torture me in the graveyard. He tried to steal the prophecy. He wants to kill me, just like his other companions. And yet, with all his friends and relatives heading toward this path, why Draco hasn’t followed thier footsteps?
“So…Horcruxes,” I say lamely.
Draco raises an eyebrow at me. He props himself up with his elbows. “What about them?”
“You know about them, Malfoy. You saw one yourself and now you know they exist.”
“And this is relevant because…”
“Tell me about the remaining ones.”
Draco sits upright, banging his head against the headboard. He curses under his breath before glowering at me. “You think it’s so easy, don’t you, Potter? You think you can get rid of all them and get this over with when you kill the Dark Lord. It’s not that easy.”
“Who said it was?” I answer defensively. “It has never been easy since the day I was born! Living in a cupboard with Muggles for ten years isn’t glory. Facing Voldemort hasn’t been either. Having him hurt the ones you love makes it worse...”
“I...I know.”
Draco stares blankly at the wall. It is then that I remember what he had told me yesterday. And for once, I can understand why everything is so hard for him. One could say Draco deserves to suffer for becoming a Death Eater. He chose to take the Dark Mark and accepted his first task. But he also chose to run away. For as long as I’ve known him, Draco has never showed fear. Maybe with the exception of our first year detention in the Forbidden Forest, but we were kids. He had always the stupid git who drove me up the walls, who could get under my skin, just for the fun of it. That is, until he went to Voldemort. Now he regrets it, or does he? Time will only tell.
I stand up to leave. Draco watches me uneasily. I sigh before looking back. “Breakfast is downstairs.”
He nods. I try to smile, but I know it comes out as a frown. It’s hard to smile these days. Shutting the door, I make my way to the kitchen. I can feel the tears trickling down my cheeks. I don’t know why I’m crying again. I take a deep breath, pausing on the first landing. My vision is blurry and I can’t get myself to stop. I think I might be crying for the world. For myself, as usual. And maybe for Draco.
~~~~~
The tapestry looks so familiar every time I study it. I always look at it when I have a chance. It reminds me how there will never be unity in our world. Sometimes, it’s reassuring. Noticing the many branches of the Black family, I know I have a reason to fight. A majority of these purebloods are Voldemort’s supporters. Now I just have to stop them.
My eyes wander to the burnt spot next to Regulus Black. I miss Sirius so much. It hurts to see this every time, to reside in the house he gave to me. We could have lived in the country! And then I had to screw up, like I always do. I follow the branch linking Narcissa Black to Lucius Malfoy. Together, they create a branch connecting to Draco Malfoy.
“Hey,” comes a voice from the doorway.
Talk about impeccable timing. “Hey. Awake again?”
Draco smiles before shrugging. “Didn’t think I would find you. Why are you…here? In the drawing room, of all places?”
“Well…” I start hesitantly. But he sees the family tree I’ve been looking. He walks toward it until he’s next to me. His shoulder brushes mine. I blink.
“Taking notice of our lovely family?” asks Draco bitterly.
“No. I’m just reflecting on what has been lost.”
Draco studies me closely. I can feel his eyes burning right through me, but I refuse to look up. Instead, I observe my scuffed up trainers. When that doesn’t seem to catch my interest, I raise my head. Grey eyes captivate me. Looking closer, I can also see flecks of blue and hazel. It's an amazing mixture that creates create a beautiful color. The pupils are big and round, almost excited. I painfully shift my gaze back to the tapestry.
“I wish…”
But I decide not to finish. I walk past Draco to leave the room. I turn my head to find pale fingers gripping my arm. I swallow hard. Draco silently begs me not to leave him alone. I can see the anguish just from looking at his face. I know I have to. Shaking his grip off of me, I smile at him grimly before walking out.
~~~~~
Even a year or two, I can still manage to wake up myself up when I hear my own screams. The nightmares have gotten worse. It’s always the same. I drown in memories until darkness smothers me. Each night is torture. I wish I could live in fantasies. I wish magic never existed. But even that’s a lie because despite the Dark, magic is a gift. I do know one fact though. I despise the Boy-Who-Lived.
The last thing I see behind my eyelids is my own corpse. When I wake up tonight, I find that I’m not alone. Someone is in the room. Clinging to my pillow with my legs tangled within sheets, I squeeze my eyes shut. I can see Voldemort laughing, Draco crumpling to the ground, a wand pointed to my chest. I howl in defeat, pressing my face into the pillow.
Hands lift me up into a sitting position. Fingers press my back lightly, rubbing circle gentle circles to soothe my nerves. I feel my erratic breathing regulate slowly. When I open my eyes, its the glint of blond that tells me what I need to know.
“Draco…”
I startle myself, calling him by his first name. I’ve never done it before. It feels strange to hear it rolling off of my tongue.
“Are you alright?” he replies. “I heard you, yelling and…”
I shake my head, bringing my knees to my chest. I hug them. “Was it a nightmare?”
I nod. I wince when I notice his concerned expression.
“What did you see?”
I hesitate. I don’t know how much he knows. I don’t know if he’ll believe what I say. His father might have told him things, but those could be exaggerations of how stupid I am. I wring my hands as I speak.
“Have you ever wanted something before? Not sweets or presents, but something to call your own? Did you ever believe in fairytales? Or wonder whether people see you for who you are?”
Draco looks frightened. I know he’s bewildered by my words, but he remains silent.
“I never had anything from the beginning. The Dursleys gave me shelter but it wasn’t home. When I stayed at Hogwarts, I thought that was where I belonged. But I don’t even have that anymore. I’ve tried to be the hero. But really, am I? Do heroes get what they want? I learned about Voldemort and escaped him in first year. But then it became tougher. I destroyed the first Horcrux…his diary. I found out about Wormtail. I saw Cedric die…”
I release my hands, aware of the half moon imprints on my flesh. I take a shaky breath.
“Wormtail took a knife, letting it pierce my skin to release the blood now running through Voldemort. He could have killed me in the graveyard or at the Ministry. But then Sirius fell through the Veil…”
Why do my bloody memories have to haunt me every night? Why can’t I repress them and just move on? Why can’t I forget they ever happened?
“Maybe we can fix it…” Draco trails off. Deep down, we both know that’s impossible.
“There’s a prophecy, Draco. Did you know that? Your father pointed it out. Afterwards, Dumbledore told me everything. But the prophecy explains my connection with Voldemort.”
“Tell me…”
“I have to die.”
“What?”
Draco sits so close to me, I can feel his shallow breath on my neck. It makes me nervous.
“Or he will,” I continue, refocusing on the topic. “Unless we both die...”
“That’s absolute-”
“Last year, I knew what you were up to. I knew you gave Katie the amulet. I thought you poisoned the mead Ron drank. I didn’t know why. I found out when Dumbledore died. I had all my clues before his death, but the last bit of hope…”
I sigh, moving away from the bed. I look out the window.
“I can still die trying.”
“Shut up!” seethes Draco sternly. “You know why I had to do it! You know what happened! And now I’m here!”
“I’m sorry I ever knew.”
I press my forehead onto the cool glass before shutting my eyes. It eases the pain slightly. I wish I wasn’t Harry Potter…
“Merlin, Potter! You’re going to kill the bloody bastard for once and for all!”
“And how would you know? I don’t have a fucking choice!”
I shiver when warm arms wrap around my waist. They hold me tight. I can hear soft gasps near my ear. I feel lightheaded.
“I don’t need you to save me,” I choke out.
“I know, but I’m not letting you go.”
Blond hair tickles my cheeks as Draco buries his face in the crook my neck. And then I feel something soft and wet touching me skin lightly. I'm holding my breath as Draco holds me tighter and it's obvious what he is doing when he looks up at me. He presses his lips against my neck again, making me moan quietly. The moist tongue leaves a trail. It is teeth that will leave a mark. Comprehension is a failure. All I understand is that Dark will always accompany Light.
next part: Reliance