OMG Vampire Academy.
It's not like step-brother and I didn't know it was gonna be bad. Please, a YA novel based movie coming out in February with Gabriel Byrne as virtually the only recognizable name (Except for Zoey Deutch, who I confess a fondness for) was almost guaranteed to be an unholy mess.
And so it was!
But step-brother and I are committed to seeing things that insult us. We have a nice time. We were so excited for this, and unlike, say, Hansel and Gretal: Witchhunters, who fulfilled every ounce of the glorious, uncaring badness we hoped for, this...? *Sigh* Not so much.
Actually, this is the worst one of these I've seen. I mean, Beautiful Creatures was an anti-feminist rage inducing piece of crap, and Immortal Instruments: City of Bones was an uninspired, trite checklist of emotional flailing and the The Host was a dull cover-up of severe moral questions, but you know what? Everyone in those movies was actually trying. Screenwriters were doing what they could with source material, the CGI was passable, the actors exuding effort.
Not so much this movie. The amount of exposition this movie rams mercilessly down your throat is, frankly? Embarrassing and ham-fisted. And for all the strain they put on this info not much of anything makes sense. Plot elements suddenly come into being while others peter out with such lack of consequence you have to wonder why they were included in the first place. There is no enthusiasm to this, which feels dull and empty, and has virtually no balls to speak of. Vampire Hogwarts is also, as these sorts of shows are wont to be, filled with the stupidest and most unrealistic adults ever. And then there's the romance between the 17 year old student and the 24 year old TEACHER.
No. Not ever. BAD. That is, undeniably, the most objectionable thing in the movie. And there is a cringe worthy moment where they make-out semi-nude. And I did cringe. And hide my face.
However, the most irksome thing to me is, as ever, nonsense world building. Senseless rules that just seem to happen to ratchet up the plot, but do so in such a hollow manner you wonder why they bothered. Clearly, Vampire Academy does not understand that you cannot subvert the norms and rules of your world at the same time you are establishing them. Take, for example, our main character. She is a dhampir, which is half Moroi and half human (it seems). But, her mother is also a dhampir...which means she isn't a half-breed. She's 3/4 Moroi. But why there is a distinction between Moroi and dhampir is unclear, since Moroi seem to be not very vampire like, and more like witches, and the dhampir are maybe...extra strong? Possibly? But the Moroi aren't? But Strigoi, which are like, Moroi who've given over to the dark side, are? It's a mess, and a badly explained mess which makes this invented world seem rickety and stupid.
Additionally...it's just no fun to hang out in, which is a major stumbling block for a tale such as this; you have to make the world appealing, have to make people go 'Whoa, I want to go to vampire academy!' and in this case, why would you? The teachers appear to be imbecilic tools, other schoolmates might 'compel' you to behave in contrary manners, if they aren't bullying or slut-shaming you, and the Queen might just roll up and make fun of you, and there doesn't seem to be much of a world beyond school. The principle is a glamor-snot, they constantly and blatantly make it evident people are second hand citizens and apparently allow zero contact with the outside world.
Most of all, nothing feels real here. No emotion lasts, feelings bubbling up as the plot needs them too and just as quickly having them melt away for the same convenience. Our lead's constant snark, rather than set the world in a stark landscape like Buffy the Vampire Slayers' Cordelia or Spike, instead makes the whole thing feel like farce, because there is no underlying sincerity.
Zoey Duetch has my props because she's trying epically hard. In fact, she's trying too hard to carry this, as if painfully aware she's one of the few cast members to give a shit. It's so clear she wants to make this work, and it just isn't, no matter how loudly she snipes, pouts and snarks. Sarah Hyland of Modern Family fame is frothy perfection, and she's clearly quite sincere in her portrayal, even if the movie itself spends the run thinking she's kind of pathetic. Danila Kozlovsky is a big ole block of wood, and the rest of the cast ambles around without the talent to recover the script's massive shortcomings and inane logic.
Stay away. It isn't even fun on a bad level.
And so it was!
But step-brother and I are committed to seeing things that insult us. We have a nice time. We were so excited for this, and unlike, say, Hansel and Gretal: Witchhunters, who fulfilled every ounce of the glorious, uncaring badness we hoped for, this...? *Sigh* Not so much.
Actually, this is the worst one of these I've seen. I mean, Beautiful Creatures was an anti-feminist rage inducing piece of crap, and Immortal Instruments: City of Bones was an uninspired, trite checklist of emotional flailing and the The Host was a dull cover-up of severe moral questions, but you know what? Everyone in those movies was actually trying. Screenwriters were doing what they could with source material, the CGI was passable, the actors exuding effort.
Not so much this movie. The amount of exposition this movie rams mercilessly down your throat is, frankly? Embarrassing and ham-fisted. And for all the strain they put on this info not much of anything makes sense. Plot elements suddenly come into being while others peter out with such lack of consequence you have to wonder why they were included in the first place. There is no enthusiasm to this, which feels dull and empty, and has virtually no balls to speak of. Vampire Hogwarts is also, as these sorts of shows are wont to be, filled with the stupidest and most unrealistic adults ever. And then there's the romance between the 17 year old student and the 24 year old TEACHER.
No. Not ever. BAD. That is, undeniably, the most objectionable thing in the movie. And there is a cringe worthy moment where they make-out semi-nude. And I did cringe. And hide my face.
However, the most irksome thing to me is, as ever, nonsense world building. Senseless rules that just seem to happen to ratchet up the plot, but do so in such a hollow manner you wonder why they bothered. Clearly, Vampire Academy does not understand that you cannot subvert the norms and rules of your world at the same time you are establishing them. Take, for example, our main character. She is a dhampir, which is half Moroi and half human (it seems). But, her mother is also a dhampir...which means she isn't a half-breed. She's 3/4 Moroi. But why there is a distinction between Moroi and dhampir is unclear, since Moroi seem to be not very vampire like, and more like witches, and the dhampir are maybe...extra strong? Possibly? But the Moroi aren't? But Strigoi, which are like, Moroi who've given over to the dark side, are? It's a mess, and a badly explained mess which makes this invented world seem rickety and stupid.
Additionally...it's just no fun to hang out in, which is a major stumbling block for a tale such as this; you have to make the world appealing, have to make people go 'Whoa, I want to go to vampire academy!' and in this case, why would you? The teachers appear to be imbecilic tools, other schoolmates might 'compel' you to behave in contrary manners, if they aren't bullying or slut-shaming you, and the Queen might just roll up and make fun of you, and there doesn't seem to be much of a world beyond school. The principle is a glamor-snot, they constantly and blatantly make it evident people are second hand citizens and apparently allow zero contact with the outside world.
Most of all, nothing feels real here. No emotion lasts, feelings bubbling up as the plot needs them too and just as quickly having them melt away for the same convenience. Our lead's constant snark, rather than set the world in a stark landscape like Buffy the Vampire Slayers' Cordelia or Spike, instead makes the whole thing feel like farce, because there is no underlying sincerity.
Zoey Duetch has my props because she's trying epically hard. In fact, she's trying too hard to carry this, as if painfully aware she's one of the few cast members to give a shit. It's so clear she wants to make this work, and it just isn't, no matter how loudly she snipes, pouts and snarks. Sarah Hyland of Modern Family fame is frothy perfection, and she's clearly quite sincere in her portrayal, even if the movie itself spends the run thinking she's kind of pathetic. Danila Kozlovsky is a big ole block of wood, and the rest of the cast ambles around without the talent to recover the script's massive shortcomings and inane logic.
Stay away. It isn't even fun on a bad level.