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[sugared_dreams]

Ever feel as if you're being swept away by the tide? That's about how I feel right now, and not just about the emotear school rant that everyone seems to have at least one of right now. I'm thinking about time. Maybe I'm just in a mood, but I'm looking back and it seems that just yesterday I was a fresh, doe-eyed junior being led like a puppy about

Comments

[pyreflysden]

To be truthful I’m more than slightly offended that you think I’m holding thing over your head. I do favors for you because I am your friend, not to get things in return. Yes, every now and then it’d be nice to have the same courtesy visited upon me, but I do not expect it. The thing about the RP hosting was simply me trying to get a straight answer as to if I needed to renew the hosting or not and to bring up the fact that as a guild leader and participant in the RP if you wanted to foot some of the bill it wouldn’t be turned town. Levi has already said he would help me with the cost if I asked him. And seeing as how each of your parts would be a mere $3, I don’t see it as unreasonable to ask for help. Levi had even expressed interest in me getting an actual domain for the guild (incusus-somnium.net) rather than just the sub domain I have set up now. That would be an extra $10 when I renewed it. I personally see little point in doing it, but the option is there. It can also be done at any time, not just when I have to renew it.

But case in point, I am offended that you would even think that I would do that to a friend. We both know I have no qualms with manipulating people I care little for, but truth be told I never use favors as a form of manipulation (Stephan doesn‘t count as we do it to each other). I find it to be unreliable as the person being manipulated might not be my puppet long enough to call the favor back in.

And while I have your attention (and I better have you attention damn it), I think our finals are over around the same time, yours probably a little before mine (my last final is May 8th). Jessica said she was going to be in Alabama the week of the 8th and I want to go see Levi and ASMS kids, so if you want to plan a trip down, let me know.

And in closing. You need a freakin’ hug, and If I have to track you down in the highway hell that is Birmingham just so you get one, I will.

[sugared_dreams]

Frankly, it wasn't/isn't just you, or directed at anyone in particular. Half the time it's not even fully conscious, at least not until I'm away from the situation and can look abck and attempt to analyze my behavior and responses. I can understand wanting help for the hosting: that conversation was just fresh in my mind, having only been had the night before when I had written this. And, for the record, I _know_ it's not fair to you, or Levi, or Licki, or any of those people of whom I know wouldn't do that to me. I believe I also said as much in that long mess of upset ramble. That doesn't stop it from happening, niggling its way into the back of my psyche. To be totally honest, I don't even know why I brought it up, other than I had been doing some soul searching after a rather long conversation with Levi the night previous, and I had realized that a lot of what he had pointed out, particularly regarding lingering trust issues, was true. It sucks, and I'm sorry, and I really don't want to have hurt or to hurt you. Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it, but it was there, and the mindset I was in when I wrote all of this wouldn't let me just not include it. I know it's stupid and undeserved and all that other shit, but I want to acknowledge it and get over it and deal with it, and it felt more dishonest and unhappy to continue harboring it, though I've probably only made things worse in the mentioning. I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I know, logically, and attempt to beat into my subconscious that everyone is _not_ only smiling to my face. And it's working, somewhat. I'm better about it than I was a year and a half ago. I know it's stupid. And now I'm being redundant. And a bunch of other things. And probably more than slightly overrun with hormones and stress and everything else affecting me now and bringing out some sort of psychological hypochondria leading into false soul-searching. I don't know. I don't. I only know that I was sitting on my bed, looking at chemistry, and thinking about where everyone is heading and where I'm heading and I was overwhelmed by the feelings of sadness and emo that just welled up and wouldn't go away, so I wrote and I sniffled and the more I wrote the more I had to say, to try and understand for myself where I was coming from even as I was depicting it for all of you to read.

You're right, God damn it. I do need a hug, and probably ten minutes of overwhelmed tears. I'm just tired and scared and half afraid that as I'm waking up now and looking back at junior year as if it were yesterday, I'll wake up ten years from now in that empty apartment with the alcohol and the cat and wonder if I've fooled myself all along that I didn't need anything or anyone. And at that point it'll be too late. And now I'm melodramatic, maybe, but it's there.

I just don't know. I'm sorry. And, yeah, a trip to see Sofu and Levi and them sounds wonderful. Just...call me and we can set something up. I'm tired, now.