It made me cry
Hi LJ.
I'm home sick.
I've just seen the last episode of season 2 of Girls.
It made me cry.
The last 3 minutes just brought me to tears.
It made me cry and it made me feel sorry for myself.
Ive never experienced a love remotely close to that, that someone would run across the city just to make sure i was ok.
I am suddenly in tears and buried in self pity.
I am trying to recall when I had given up on love.
But I think I have just been settling for what I could get, and made myself believe that this was love.
I have turned into a cynic.
I'd love to stay romantic and believe in a love that is cute.
Of finding someone you can talk to for hours and hours and never get tired.
Of no awkward silences, just a shared silence where you can just shut up and be ok with that.
I've somehow turned into a settler.
I have always been a romantic, refusing to be intimate with people i felt nothing for.
And over the past weeks I've been considering just letting go of all of that and that thats ok.
"Everyone thinks its ok, why not me."
But I find myself making excuses. Im sick. Im tired. Im lazy. Im too far.
Maybe its just not for me, maybe im just not built for that.
I have too many insecurities and too many fears.
Too self conscious and too arrogant and proud.
It sounds stupid to have such a thought process over the last 3 minutes of a show, but suddenly I feel like I deserve to be cared for.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve the cute quirky awkward relationship I had always dreamed of in my head.
Of holding hands and vegging out to stupid movies in my tshirt and picnicing and seeing bands and doodling and art geeking with someone who wouldn't do these things because they liked me but because they loved it too.
I know ill probably never meet this dork of a dude in my head, much less this dork of a dude who isn't a lard ass, but i realize its lame for me to have stopped believing.
i hate my stupid body clock but i also hate my brain for letting me lose all my dreams out of the sheer logic that i since i havent found them yet ill never find them ever.
its stupid to lose hope.
Thats all.
I'm home sick.
I've just seen the last episode of season 2 of Girls.
It made me cry.
The last 3 minutes just brought me to tears.
It made me cry and it made me feel sorry for myself.
Ive never experienced a love remotely close to that, that someone would run across the city just to make sure i was ok.
I am suddenly in tears and buried in self pity.
I am trying to recall when I had given up on love.
But I think I have just been settling for what I could get, and made myself believe that this was love.
I have turned into a cynic.
I'd love to stay romantic and believe in a love that is cute.
Of finding someone you can talk to for hours and hours and never get tired.
Of no awkward silences, just a shared silence where you can just shut up and be ok with that.
I've somehow turned into a settler.
I have always been a romantic, refusing to be intimate with people i felt nothing for.
And over the past weeks I've been considering just letting go of all of that and that thats ok.
"Everyone thinks its ok, why not me."
But I find myself making excuses. Im sick. Im tired. Im lazy. Im too far.
Maybe its just not for me, maybe im just not built for that.
I have too many insecurities and too many fears.
Too self conscious and too arrogant and proud.
It sounds stupid to have such a thought process over the last 3 minutes of a show, but suddenly I feel like I deserve to be cared for.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserve the cute quirky awkward relationship I had always dreamed of in my head.
Of holding hands and vegging out to stupid movies in my tshirt and picnicing and seeing bands and doodling and art geeking with someone who wouldn't do these things because they liked me but because they loved it too.
I know ill probably never meet this dork of a dude in my head, much less this dork of a dude who isn't a lard ass, but i realize its lame for me to have stopped believing.
i hate my stupid body clock but i also hate my brain for letting me lose all my dreams out of the sheer logic that i since i havent found them yet ill never find them ever.
its stupid to lose hope.
Thats all.