Writing and Drawing and Love and Stuff
So, lately, things are a little weird with me and the beau. I haven't yet decided how I feel about the way my feelings are changing, if that makes sense. I find myself annoyed with him and I don't think it's particularly fair because it's about things that are just sort of how he is and before, I accepted that and even when I didn't like it, I chalked it up to his quirks and wasn't annoyed. But now I am. So, yay, weirdness abounds! I'm going to give things some good time and some good thought but I feel like, I don't know, lately... okay this sounds weird, but I feel like I'm single lately, and it makes the relationship feel stifling or something. And since I'm usually perfectly content to be in a devoted, monogamous relationship and don't really care for dating, and have been thinking I'm a goddamn old maid and I need to settle the hell down anyway or I'm NEVER gonna get married, these feelings are kind of out of left field for me.
But I've been so excited about my story (because let me tell you, there is nothing like getting back into the creative groove) that I really wanted him to see it and help me brainstorm more ideas for it. And he did. And it was awesome. Except then I realized I need to change a bunch of stuff and now I don't know where to go with it next. Keep drawing out scenes so I can figure out the rest of stuff, or go back over old things and re-write the text, or what?
It's fun to work with him because he's good with visual and, as an outside observer, was able to point out some plotholes I was too close to the material (and too much in first-draft exstacy) to notice. But it's also difficult because he really has a different creative vision than me. He kept trying to steer my male character into a role I firmly do NOT want him in. Because heaven forbid a man have emotional complexity and be in a heroic, romantic role while not being a total badass 99 percent of the time, right? He's NOT a "pimp" or some hardened killer. He's a young man with a lot on his shoulders and a heap of past guilt to work through, and this story has more character and emotion stuff than swinging-through-the-windows stuff. And for heaven's sake, that doesn't make him a "bitch." Rrrrgh. Hmm.
You know, writing this helped me realize something. I had started a paragraph about the way I go about getting help with my stories and my reactions to it, and it totally opened my eyes to my problem. I'm not a "bad writer" or "terrible at working with others concerning my stories" or "not good at handling critique," or whatever else the inner demons say when they want to sound just like the maddening atmosphere of college writing circles. I'm actually just way too fucking self conscious and concerned with doing things "right." When I was at school I bought into too much of that garbage in my forementioned writing classes. I was so concerned about pleasing silly people I forgot about the joy of story, which is what it's all about in the first place. SHIT, IT'S WRITING. There's a million ways to go about it. There's more than one way to crit, and brainstorming sessions are allowed to involve a lot of mind changing, heated discussion, passionate dialogue, ridiculousness, possibly random nudity, and high emotion on the part of the brainstormers. And dude, I SHOULD be defensive when I get critique because now that I think of it, it really helped, because when he said "this character wouldn't do this, he needs to do this," my response was, "but because he thinks this and feels this that's exactly what he'd do!" it actually got me to the point where I realized what he needed to do that was true to him AND logical to the story, which was an entirely new third thing. So YES. Huzzah for breakthrough. He was right to tell me to stop defending myself. He wasn't them, I'm not under attack anymore. Nobody's trying to impress the Allmighty Grade-Givers or fill a role, now. We're just working and having fun at it.
Heady stuff. I think I'll stop there.
I feel good.
But I've been so excited about my story (because let me tell you, there is nothing like getting back into the creative groove) that I really wanted him to see it and help me brainstorm more ideas for it. And he did. And it was awesome. Except then I realized I need to change a bunch of stuff and now I don't know where to go with it next. Keep drawing out scenes so I can figure out the rest of stuff, or go back over old things and re-write the text, or what?
It's fun to work with him because he's good with visual and, as an outside observer, was able to point out some plotholes I was too close to the material (and too much in first-draft exstacy) to notice. But it's also difficult because he really has a different creative vision than me. He kept trying to steer my male character into a role I firmly do NOT want him in. Because heaven forbid a man have emotional complexity and be in a heroic, romantic role while not being a total badass 99 percent of the time, right? He's NOT a "pimp" or some hardened killer. He's a young man with a lot on his shoulders and a heap of past guilt to work through, and this story has more character and emotion stuff than swinging-through-the-windows stuff. And for heaven's sake, that doesn't make him a "bitch." Rrrrgh. Hmm.
You know, writing this helped me realize something. I had started a paragraph about the way I go about getting help with my stories and my reactions to it, and it totally opened my eyes to my problem. I'm not a "bad writer" or "terrible at working with others concerning my stories" or "not good at handling critique," or whatever else the inner demons say when they want to sound just like the maddening atmosphere of college writing circles. I'm actually just way too fucking self conscious and concerned with doing things "right." When I was at school I bought into too much of that garbage in my forementioned writing classes. I was so concerned about pleasing silly people I forgot about the joy of story, which is what it's all about in the first place. SHIT, IT'S WRITING. There's a million ways to go about it. There's more than one way to crit, and brainstorming sessions are allowed to involve a lot of mind changing, heated discussion, passionate dialogue, ridiculousness, possibly random nudity, and high emotion on the part of the brainstormers. And dude, I SHOULD be defensive when I get critique because now that I think of it, it really helped, because when he said "this character wouldn't do this, he needs to do this," my response was, "but because he thinks this and feels this that's exactly what he'd do!" it actually got me to the point where I realized what he needed to do that was true to him AND logical to the story, which was an entirely new third thing. So YES. Huzzah for breakthrough. He was right to tell me to stop defending myself. He wasn't them, I'm not under attack anymore. Nobody's trying to impress the Allmighty Grade-Givers or fill a role, now. We're just working and having fun at it.
Heady stuff. I think I'll stop there.
I feel good.