(no subject)
I really don't think my mood could get much worse.
I'm Irate. I'm mad as hell and in a very malicious mood.
So my mom and I finally talked last night. I agreed to come in and see her today. So being upset and missing my mom and pretty much the whole overwhelming feeling this situation has caused got the best of me. Then we were in the line to get into the prison, and it hit me again. All of the things she did, her decisions, what she put my sister and me through, everything. The whole overwhelming thought turned into just complete anger. Completely and total .. I can't even think of a word for how angry I got. I kept this feeling to myself though. Then we got in there. Then it hit me worse and worse. The anger of having to be searched and take off my belt and jewelery all to please the woman who ruined a good part of my life and left it to me to pick it back up. I was thinking about 100 things at once, at what it felt 3957 miles per hour. I wasn't even paying attention to anything, all I could think about was what I'd say to her. I thought of all these questions to ask, and everything to say. Then she walked into the room. Everything that I had thought and felt for the past 2 hours left my body. It was the most exhausting feeling. I took one look at her and she was crying and going to hug my sister, and I just felt the most upfront, strongest feeling of hate and disgust. I turned to walk out and she said "Brittany please don't do this." I turned around, searching for something smart to reply with. All I could come up with was "How dare you ask me a favor? How dare you even speak to me? I don't even know why I came here. You can't ask anything of me, you don't even deserve to see me. I'm going to leave before I really say something regretful"
It was bad. At the time I was glad I said this.
Then I get home and see that Frankk says pretty much the same thing to the new girl he likes, as he said to me. I actually thought he was better then that. Maybe he is speaking as how he feels, but someone who changes their mind and feelings that quickly isn't right nor worth it right now. I am speaking out of anger and I'm sure in ten minutes my bipolarness will kick in again and I will regret this whole entry. But I do not care at this point. I just started to feel normal, and the hurt started to go away. I was okay with him liking her. But now he doesn't treat me the same, and says the same things he said to me, to her. I know at this point he doesn't know what he feels. Because no normal person can truly feel that and have that feeling change so quick. So I gave my heart out on a lie, or an unsure feeling that I just trusted to be the truth, and I gave my hopes up. I seriously thought he meant what he said. I trusted that he knew what he felt and that he really did feel those things. Maybe he did but not to the extent that he expressed it. He went from "I can't spend 5 minutes without you brei, I love you. I think this is meant to be" to "What happens happens, we will always be friends but I don't know what love is and I'm curious." And he went from telling me that he doesn't like going a day without seeing me, to telling her the same thing. I'm disappointed. And very angry right now. If he wasn't sure of what he felt when he said all that to me then why is he saying that to her when he still says he doesn't know how or what to feel? We broke up so that things wouldn't end bad at a hard time, and to make sure things are right. We went from "I don't want to break up, I still want to be with you but this is what we need" to "I want to see other people". It changed within two days if not over night. Then he went from me right to another girl. If he truly meant all the things he said to me, then that wouldn't have been possible. I know enough to know that. Which makes me mad because ok, maybe he didn't lie, but he didn't fully mean what he said. He made sure that I opened myself up to him, and started to get emotionally involved with him, said these things and then just took them back like that. This is exactly why I have such a hard time letting people in. This is exactly why it took so long to let him in. And he just proved me right. After I trusted him, I got hurt. I knew it wouldn't work out for ever. I mean we both are young. But we both told each other that if the time was right it would have been possible. I could have married him with those feelings I had, if the time was right and the surrounding situations were right. Which they weren't due to us being young and obviously not close to being ready for marriage. But again, these were just things that were said, but weren't truly felt, or weren't truly sure if they were the right sort of feeling. I don't know how to word it. I am so mad. But how am I suppose to be okay with everything like we agreed we'd still be best friends, when with what is happening. How he is treating me, and this other girl. I think thats a lack of respect on my part. If you take back what you said to me, because you weren't sure you really felt it, then don't go say it to another girl right? I could be wrong. I'd really appreciate detailed feedback. Even if I don't know you well or whatever. I'm just so confused. I want honesty as well. I really know if I'm over reacting or if this is something I should bring up to him and risk our friendship now? Or it could just be this malicious mood I'm in.
Okay so having this said, I feel a lot better now. Really really better. And I'd really really like feedback. Or advise. Or just reassurance that I'm not completely losing my mind.
I'm also annoyed with the idiots in my school. That's another matter though. I'm in all honers and I'm doing great. Take that bitches.
I'm Irate. I'm mad as hell and in a very malicious mood.
So my mom and I finally talked last night. I agreed to come in and see her today. So being upset and missing my mom and pretty much the whole overwhelming feeling this situation has caused got the best of me. Then we were in the line to get into the prison, and it hit me again. All of the things she did, her decisions, what she put my sister and me through, everything. The whole overwhelming thought turned into just complete anger. Completely and total .. I can't even think of a word for how angry I got. I kept this feeling to myself though. Then we got in there. Then it hit me worse and worse. The anger of having to be searched and take off my belt and jewelery all to please the woman who ruined a good part of my life and left it to me to pick it back up. I was thinking about 100 things at once, at what it felt 3957 miles per hour. I wasn't even paying attention to anything, all I could think about was what I'd say to her. I thought of all these questions to ask, and everything to say. Then she walked into the room. Everything that I had thought and felt for the past 2 hours left my body. It was the most exhausting feeling. I took one look at her and she was crying and going to hug my sister, and I just felt the most upfront, strongest feeling of hate and disgust. I turned to walk out and she said "Brittany please don't do this." I turned around, searching for something smart to reply with. All I could come up with was "How dare you ask me a favor? How dare you even speak to me? I don't even know why I came here. You can't ask anything of me, you don't even deserve to see me. I'm going to leave before I really say something regretful"
It was bad. At the time I was glad I said this.
Then I get home and see that Frankk says pretty much the same thing to the new girl he likes, as he said to me. I actually thought he was better then that. Maybe he is speaking as how he feels, but someone who changes their mind and feelings that quickly isn't right nor worth it right now. I am speaking out of anger and I'm sure in ten minutes my bipolarness will kick in again and I will regret this whole entry. But I do not care at this point. I just started to feel normal, and the hurt started to go away. I was okay with him liking her. But now he doesn't treat me the same, and says the same things he said to me, to her. I know at this point he doesn't know what he feels. Because no normal person can truly feel that and have that feeling change so quick. So I gave my heart out on a lie, or an unsure feeling that I just trusted to be the truth, and I gave my hopes up. I seriously thought he meant what he said. I trusted that he knew what he felt and that he really did feel those things. Maybe he did but not to the extent that he expressed it. He went from "I can't spend 5 minutes without you brei, I love you. I think this is meant to be" to "What happens happens, we will always be friends but I don't know what love is and I'm curious." And he went from telling me that he doesn't like going a day without seeing me, to telling her the same thing. I'm disappointed. And very angry right now. If he wasn't sure of what he felt when he said all that to me then why is he saying that to her when he still says he doesn't know how or what to feel? We broke up so that things wouldn't end bad at a hard time, and to make sure things are right. We went from "I don't want to break up, I still want to be with you but this is what we need" to "I want to see other people". It changed within two days if not over night. Then he went from me right to another girl. If he truly meant all the things he said to me, then that wouldn't have been possible. I know enough to know that. Which makes me mad because ok, maybe he didn't lie, but he didn't fully mean what he said. He made sure that I opened myself up to him, and started to get emotionally involved with him, said these things and then just took them back like that. This is exactly why I have such a hard time letting people in. This is exactly why it took so long to let him in. And he just proved me right. After I trusted him, I got hurt. I knew it wouldn't work out for ever. I mean we both are young. But we both told each other that if the time was right it would have been possible. I could have married him with those feelings I had, if the time was right and the surrounding situations were right. Which they weren't due to us being young and obviously not close to being ready for marriage. But again, these were just things that were said, but weren't truly felt, or weren't truly sure if they were the right sort of feeling. I don't know how to word it. I am so mad. But how am I suppose to be okay with everything like we agreed we'd still be best friends, when with what is happening. How he is treating me, and this other girl. I think thats a lack of respect on my part. If you take back what you said to me, because you weren't sure you really felt it, then don't go say it to another girl right? I could be wrong. I'd really appreciate detailed feedback. Even if I don't know you well or whatever. I'm just so confused. I want honesty as well. I really know if I'm over reacting or if this is something I should bring up to him and risk our friendship now? Or it could just be this malicious mood I'm in.
Okay so having this said, I feel a lot better now. Really really better. And I'd really really like feedback. Or advise. Or just reassurance that I'm not completely losing my mind.
I'm also annoyed with the idiots in my school. That's another matter though. I'm in all honers and I'm doing great. Take that bitches.