BSG fic - Picking up the Pieces 11 / 12
Chapter Eleven
Lee got back to CIC to find that the reason Hoshi had summoned him was a call from his father. It turned out to be a discussion about supply runs.
He barely listened to his father’s voice, murmuring replies by rote. His thoughts were too scattered for him to be able to focus on what his father was saying. All he could hear was Kara’s words to him in the equipment closet, repeating over and over…
“Lee! Are you listening to me?”
His father’s growl made him jump.
“Yes, sir,” he said automatically, dragging his mind back to the present. “The next supply run is from the Rising Star…”
“No, the Geminon Traveller,” his father said impatiently. “What’s wrong with you today, Lee?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” He forced himself to pay attention for the rest of the conversation. As he finally replaced the receiver, he found Hoshi standing by his side, obviously waiting to tell him something.
“Yes, Lieutenant?”
“I think Lieutenant Dualla wanted to see you as soon as possible, sir.”
Frak. Lee sighed heavily. “So she was listening to the comms then?”
“Everyone knows about the comms, sir,” said Hoshi, looking sympathetic. “Even those who weren’t listening in. You know how fast word travels around here.”
He did. All too well. Lee closed his eyes briefly. He really didn’t want to deal with Dee just at the moment. He needed time to think about what Kara had said, get it all straight in his head.
“Where’s Dee now?” he asked Hoshi.
“I think she went to your quarters.” Hoshi watched Lee for a moment and then said tentatively, “Would you like me to run interference?”
Lee turned in surprise. “Would you do that?”
“If you want.”
“That’s very kind of you.” Lee was touched. “I’d be grateful. It won’t be for long…I just need an hour or so to myself.”
Hoshi smiled. “No problem. Just consider it an offer of fellow feeling. I’m sure we’ve all had a woman turn our lives upside down at one time or another.”
Lee smiled ruefully. He certainly had. More than once. And it was always the same woman.
----
He went to Pegasus’ tiny temple, reasoning that it was the last place anyone would think to look for him. And it was a good place to think, quiet and serene. He could see why Kara often found comfort in visiting here.
Kara. He sat down and rested his head against the back of the chair in front of him, taking a long breath.
What was he going to do about Kara?
Did he want that chance she was offering?
He knew what his heart told him, but he wasn’t sure he trusted his heart when it came to Kara. It had led him into trouble with her too many times before. He hoped too much, expected too much, and it always ended up shattering to pieces around him.
He didn’t think he could go through that again.
Then there was Dee. He didn’t want to hurt her, not after all she’d done for him. She didn’t deserve that.
He should stay with her. She was good for him. She calmed him, supported him, comforted him. She didn’t play around with his emotions, or make him so angry he could barely speak. She didn’t mock him mercilessly, or slap him down every time he got too close to her…
…but she didn’t make him laugh with a lift of her eyebrow, or smile at him with a challenge that made his heart soar. She didn’t meet him scowl for scowl and blow for blow, or walk through his defences as if they weren’t even there. She didn’t show with one quiet word that she understood him, better than anyone else ever had.
She didn’t know him, not really. He got the feeling, sometimes, that when she looked at him, she only saw Apollo. Not Lee. That maybe she didn’t want to see Lee.
Still, the logical part of him knew he should stay with Dee. Stay with calm, certainty, reassurance. Not risk everything on some foolish surge of emotion. He’d just end up hurt as badly as he’d been before.
No matter what Kara had said, it probably wouldn’t last. She’d change her mind, back away from him, she always did. He’d get to the Rising Star to find she wasn’t even there, that she wanted to give Anders another chance, that she’d changed her mind.
He shouldn’t go to her. Every argument stacked against it.
But…but…
She’d said she loved him. Publicly. In front of the whole crew. Twice.
And then, when they were alone, she hadn’t gone back on it. She’d said it again. Said she wanted him.
She’d never done anything like that before. Denial, mockery, retreat…that was Kara’s usual mode of operation. He’d never known her to take such a risk, expose her emotions so openly.
What had she said?
I’ve always loved you. What’s changed is that I’m not afraid to admit it.
Maybe it was true. Maybe she had changed. Maybe this time he wasn’t being an utter fool to listen to his heart.
On the other hand, maybe he was.
But he’d rather be a fool than a coward any day. And if he stayed here, if he passed up this chance, that’s exactly what he would be.
Kara had had the courage to take a risk. He couldn’t do any less in return.
He stood up, smiling as he remembered her voice crackling over the comms.
I love you, Lee.
When it came down to it, that was all he really needed to know.
----
He found Dee still in his quarters, sitting on the sofa. She looked up as he entered, a strained expression on her face.
“Where have you been, Lee?”
“Thinking.” He walked across the room to sit on the coffee table facing her. He reached out and gently took her hand. “We need to talk, Ana.”
“No.” Dee stared at him, eyes widening. “Lee, no. Don’t you dare do this to me.”
Lee bit his lip. He hated this, but it had to be done. “I’m sorry, Ana. I’m so sorry, but I can’t marry you.”
“Oh my gods.” She pulled her hand abruptly away from his, mouth trembling. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“I’m sorry,” said Lee helplessly. He felt like a complete bastard, looking at the hurt on her face. “But I can’t go on with the wedding, Ana. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“This is because of her, isn’t it?”
Lee nodded. No point in pretending he didn’t know who she meant. Dee was no fool.
“I knew it,” said Dee bitterly. “I knew this was going to happen from the moment I heard her over the comms.” She looked at him with a hint of contempt. “I just don’t understand you, Lee. After all the crap she’s pulled on you in the past - and yet all she has to do is say she loves you and you go running back to her. Don’t you have any more pride than that?”
Lee knew she meant the words to sting, but they didn’t. She wasn’t saying anything he hadn’t already asked himself. So he just shrugged and gave her the same answer he’d reached in his head.
“I suppose there are just some things that are more important than pride.”
“Like love?”
Lee flinched inwardly at her tone. “Yes, like love.”
“I thought you loved me.” Dee’s eyes dropped away from his, and her voice shook slightly.
“I did,” said Lee, his heart aching for her. He wished there was something he could do to comfort her. “Ana, I did. It’s just…Kara was there first.”
“Then why did you ask me to marry you? Was I just a substitute?”
“No!” said Lee quickly, although he wasn’t sure he was telling the truth. He wasn’t going to let her go on thinking that though. “I wanted to start a new life with you, I really did. But…but I thought then I was free of Kara, and now I realise I’m not. I’m never going to be, and if I’m honest I don’t really want to be. And it’s not fair to marry you when I’m that wrapped up in someone else.”
Dee blinked several times through his speech, as if absorbing a blow. When he finished she sat silent for a few moments.
Finally she spoke, forcing the words through stiff lips. “Well, I suppose at least you didn’t wait to do this until after we were married.”
Lee couldn’t bear the look on her face. “Ana, I’m so sorry-”
“Stop saying that.” Anger spread across Dee’s face. “You’re not sorry. If you really were sorry you wouldn’t be doing this.”
Lee was silenced. He didn’t know what else to say. It was so hard to see her hurting like this and know that he was responsible for it.
Dee took a long breath and rose slowly to her feet. “I’m going. I need to be alone for a while. Then I’ll come back here to pack.”
“To pack?”
“Yes.” She glared at him. “The least you can do is arrange a transfer back to Galactica for me.”
“Of course,” he said awkwardly. He wanted to apologise again, but he caught the words back. He watched her as she walked away from him, wishing desperately he had somehow handled all this better. Why did he always manage to frak up his relationships so badly?
As she opened the hatch Dee stopped and looked back.
“She’ll ruin your life, you know.”
Lee shrugged. “Maybe. But then I’ll just ruin hers right back.”
He quite liked the sound of it.
----
After Dee had gone, he took a long, shuddering breath, rubbing a hand wearily over his face. That had been just as unpleasant as he had expected. And now he had another difficult conversation to face.
You’d better not change your mind after all this, Kara.
He stood up and walked over to his desk to pick up the phone.
“Private call to Galactica Actual, please.”
He heard a series of clicks, and then his father’s voice came over the line.
“Galactica Actual here.”
Lee didn’t waste time. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with.
“Dad, I need a favour. Actually, I need two favours. Big ones.”
He held his breath during the pause that followed. He’d never been able to predict how his father was going to react to things, especially when it concerned him.
“I knew there was something wrong earlier,” said his father finally. He sounded rueful rather than angry, and Lee let out his breath. “What exactly are these favours?”
“I need an immediate transfer for Dee back to Galactica.” Lee braced himself for the explosion. “And I need a leave pass to go to the Rising Star, again effective immediately.”
There was another long pause, but the explosion didn’t come.
“You weren’t kidding when you said they were big,” said his dad finally. His tone was mild, but Lee could hear the tension underneath. He gripped the phone tightly.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“All right, I’ll grant them.” Lee felt dizzy with relief. “But I want a full explanation, and I want it now.”
Lee sighed. “Now? It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time. Now.” There was no arguing with his father in that tone.
“All right.” He supposed it was the least he owed him for being so reasonable about all this. “Well, you remember you asked me why Kara and I fell out last time she visited Pegasus…”
Lee got back to CIC to find that the reason Hoshi had summoned him was a call from his father. It turned out to be a discussion about supply runs.
He barely listened to his father’s voice, murmuring replies by rote. His thoughts were too scattered for him to be able to focus on what his father was saying. All he could hear was Kara’s words to him in the equipment closet, repeating over and over…
“Lee! Are you listening to me?”
His father’s growl made him jump.
“Yes, sir,” he said automatically, dragging his mind back to the present. “The next supply run is from the Rising Star…”
“No, the Geminon Traveller,” his father said impatiently. “What’s wrong with you today, Lee?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” He forced himself to pay attention for the rest of the conversation. As he finally replaced the receiver, he found Hoshi standing by his side, obviously waiting to tell him something.
“Yes, Lieutenant?”
“I think Lieutenant Dualla wanted to see you as soon as possible, sir.”
Frak. Lee sighed heavily. “So she was listening to the comms then?”
“Everyone knows about the comms, sir,” said Hoshi, looking sympathetic. “Even those who weren’t listening in. You know how fast word travels around here.”
He did. All too well. Lee closed his eyes briefly. He really didn’t want to deal with Dee just at the moment. He needed time to think about what Kara had said, get it all straight in his head.
“Where’s Dee now?” he asked Hoshi.
“I think she went to your quarters.” Hoshi watched Lee for a moment and then said tentatively, “Would you like me to run interference?”
Lee turned in surprise. “Would you do that?”
“If you want.”
“That’s very kind of you.” Lee was touched. “I’d be grateful. It won’t be for long…I just need an hour or so to myself.”
Hoshi smiled. “No problem. Just consider it an offer of fellow feeling. I’m sure we’ve all had a woman turn our lives upside down at one time or another.”
Lee smiled ruefully. He certainly had. More than once. And it was always the same woman.
----
He went to Pegasus’ tiny temple, reasoning that it was the last place anyone would think to look for him. And it was a good place to think, quiet and serene. He could see why Kara often found comfort in visiting here.
Kara. He sat down and rested his head against the back of the chair in front of him, taking a long breath.
What was he going to do about Kara?
Did he want that chance she was offering?
He knew what his heart told him, but he wasn’t sure he trusted his heart when it came to Kara. It had led him into trouble with her too many times before. He hoped too much, expected too much, and it always ended up shattering to pieces around him.
He didn’t think he could go through that again.
Then there was Dee. He didn’t want to hurt her, not after all she’d done for him. She didn’t deserve that.
He should stay with her. She was good for him. She calmed him, supported him, comforted him. She didn’t play around with his emotions, or make him so angry he could barely speak. She didn’t mock him mercilessly, or slap him down every time he got too close to her…
…but she didn’t make him laugh with a lift of her eyebrow, or smile at him with a challenge that made his heart soar. She didn’t meet him scowl for scowl and blow for blow, or walk through his defences as if they weren’t even there. She didn’t show with one quiet word that she understood him, better than anyone else ever had.
She didn’t know him, not really. He got the feeling, sometimes, that when she looked at him, she only saw Apollo. Not Lee. That maybe she didn’t want to see Lee.
Still, the logical part of him knew he should stay with Dee. Stay with calm, certainty, reassurance. Not risk everything on some foolish surge of emotion. He’d just end up hurt as badly as he’d been before.
No matter what Kara had said, it probably wouldn’t last. She’d change her mind, back away from him, she always did. He’d get to the Rising Star to find she wasn’t even there, that she wanted to give Anders another chance, that she’d changed her mind.
He shouldn’t go to her. Every argument stacked against it.
But…but…
She’d said she loved him. Publicly. In front of the whole crew. Twice.
And then, when they were alone, she hadn’t gone back on it. She’d said it again. Said she wanted him.
She’d never done anything like that before. Denial, mockery, retreat…that was Kara’s usual mode of operation. He’d never known her to take such a risk, expose her emotions so openly.
What had she said?
I’ve always loved you. What’s changed is that I’m not afraid to admit it.
Maybe it was true. Maybe she had changed. Maybe this time he wasn’t being an utter fool to listen to his heart.
On the other hand, maybe he was.
But he’d rather be a fool than a coward any day. And if he stayed here, if he passed up this chance, that’s exactly what he would be.
Kara had had the courage to take a risk. He couldn’t do any less in return.
He stood up, smiling as he remembered her voice crackling over the comms.
I love you, Lee.
When it came down to it, that was all he really needed to know.
----
He found Dee still in his quarters, sitting on the sofa. She looked up as he entered, a strained expression on her face.
“Where have you been, Lee?”
“Thinking.” He walked across the room to sit on the coffee table facing her. He reached out and gently took her hand. “We need to talk, Ana.”
“No.” Dee stared at him, eyes widening. “Lee, no. Don’t you dare do this to me.”
Lee bit his lip. He hated this, but it had to be done. “I’m sorry, Ana. I’m so sorry, but I can’t marry you.”
“Oh my gods.” She pulled her hand abruptly away from his, mouth trembling. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“I’m sorry,” said Lee helplessly. He felt like a complete bastard, looking at the hurt on her face. “But I can’t go on with the wedding, Ana. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“This is because of her, isn’t it?”
Lee nodded. No point in pretending he didn’t know who she meant. Dee was no fool.
“I knew it,” said Dee bitterly. “I knew this was going to happen from the moment I heard her over the comms.” She looked at him with a hint of contempt. “I just don’t understand you, Lee. After all the crap she’s pulled on you in the past - and yet all she has to do is say she loves you and you go running back to her. Don’t you have any more pride than that?”
Lee knew she meant the words to sting, but they didn’t. She wasn’t saying anything he hadn’t already asked himself. So he just shrugged and gave her the same answer he’d reached in his head.
“I suppose there are just some things that are more important than pride.”
“Like love?”
Lee flinched inwardly at her tone. “Yes, like love.”
“I thought you loved me.” Dee’s eyes dropped away from his, and her voice shook slightly.
“I did,” said Lee, his heart aching for her. He wished there was something he could do to comfort her. “Ana, I did. It’s just…Kara was there first.”
“Then why did you ask me to marry you? Was I just a substitute?”
“No!” said Lee quickly, although he wasn’t sure he was telling the truth. He wasn’t going to let her go on thinking that though. “I wanted to start a new life with you, I really did. But…but I thought then I was free of Kara, and now I realise I’m not. I’m never going to be, and if I’m honest I don’t really want to be. And it’s not fair to marry you when I’m that wrapped up in someone else.”
Dee blinked several times through his speech, as if absorbing a blow. When he finished she sat silent for a few moments.
Finally she spoke, forcing the words through stiff lips. “Well, I suppose at least you didn’t wait to do this until after we were married.”
Lee couldn’t bear the look on her face. “Ana, I’m so sorry-”
“Stop saying that.” Anger spread across Dee’s face. “You’re not sorry. If you really were sorry you wouldn’t be doing this.”
Lee was silenced. He didn’t know what else to say. It was so hard to see her hurting like this and know that he was responsible for it.
Dee took a long breath and rose slowly to her feet. “I’m going. I need to be alone for a while. Then I’ll come back here to pack.”
“To pack?”
“Yes.” She glared at him. “The least you can do is arrange a transfer back to Galactica for me.”
“Of course,” he said awkwardly. He wanted to apologise again, but he caught the words back. He watched her as she walked away from him, wishing desperately he had somehow handled all this better. Why did he always manage to frak up his relationships so badly?
As she opened the hatch Dee stopped and looked back.
“She’ll ruin your life, you know.”
Lee shrugged. “Maybe. But then I’ll just ruin hers right back.”
He quite liked the sound of it.
----
After Dee had gone, he took a long, shuddering breath, rubbing a hand wearily over his face. That had been just as unpleasant as he had expected. And now he had another difficult conversation to face.
You’d better not change your mind after all this, Kara.
He stood up and walked over to his desk to pick up the phone.
“Private call to Galactica Actual, please.”
He heard a series of clicks, and then his father’s voice came over the line.
“Galactica Actual here.”
Lee didn’t waste time. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with.
“Dad, I need a favour. Actually, I need two favours. Big ones.”
He held his breath during the pause that followed. He’d never been able to predict how his father was going to react to things, especially when it concerned him.
“I knew there was something wrong earlier,” said his father finally. He sounded rueful rather than angry, and Lee let out his breath. “What exactly are these favours?”
“I need an immediate transfer for Dee back to Galactica.” Lee braced himself for the explosion. “And I need a leave pass to go to the Rising Star, again effective immediately.”
There was another long pause, but the explosion didn’t come.
“You weren’t kidding when you said they were big,” said his dad finally. His tone was mild, but Lee could hear the tension underneath. He gripped the phone tightly.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“All right, I’ll grant them.” Lee felt dizzy with relief. “But I want a full explanation, and I want it now.”
Lee sighed. “Now? It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time. Now.” There was no arguing with his father in that tone.
“All right.” He supposed it was the least he owed him for being so reasonable about all this. “Well, you remember you asked me why Kara and I fell out last time she visited Pegasus…”