BSG fic - Picking up the Pieces 2 / 12
Chapter Two
The shock was so great that Kara couldn’t speak when he first told her. Just sat there in numbed silence, staring at him, while Sam rambled on awkwardly about drifting apart and rushing into marriage and not knowing each other well enough…
That last comment finally roused her to speech.
“What do you mean, we didn’t know each other well enough? When you proposed you said that it didn’t matter. That you knew all you needed to.”
Sam sighed heavily. “Well, I was wrong. But I really thought it didn’t matter - I thought we’d have plenty of time to get to know each other after we got married.”
“And we have.”
“No we haven’t.” Sam paced restlessly to the tent flap and back again. “I don’t know you, Kara. Not really. You won’t let me.”
Anger sparked and she embraced it with relief. It buffered her against the terrible crawling hurt. “What do you mean?”
“Well, for a start you won’t talk about your past.”
“I’ve told you hundreds of stories-”
“Yes, you have,” said Sam bitterly. “Stories about your pranks at academy, or your drinking exploits, or your triad wins. But not the real stories, Kara. Not the ones that matter. Not where that silver ring came from, or why your faith is so important to you. You’ve never even mentioned your parents.”
“Maybe I have nothing to tell,” she muttered, pushing back an uncomfortable feeling of guilt. He was right, but…but she hadn’t wanted him to know any of that. Had wanted to keep him separate from it all.
“Everyone has something to tell, Kara.”
“Fine,” she said. “You want to hear the story of my life? I’ll tell you, if that’ll stop this stupid-”
“It isn’t just that, Kara.” She wasn’t used to seeing him this serious. “You’ve shut me out in other ways too. I can tell when something upsets you, you know. But you won’t talk to me about it. You just pull away, and if I try to stop you, you lash out.”
Kara was silent. Every word he said was true, but-
“That’s not a real marriage, Kara. We should be able to tell each other things, lean on each other.”
“Sam, I’m sorry. I’m just used to keeping things to myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you-”
“No,” he said sadly. “It just means that you don’t love me enough. Not enough to trust me with your secrets or your hurts.” He smiled painfully. “I always knew you didn’t love me as much as I loved you, Kara, but I thought I could live with that. Turns out I can’t.”
“Why not?” It was a struggle to get the words out. “We’ve been happy, haven’t we? We’ve had fun together, been content-”
“It’s not enough.” The words seemed to explode out of him. “Yes, we’ve had fun, been happy, but it’s all on the surface. Below it, we’re as much strangers now as we were a year ago. And it’s not enough. Content isn’t enough to build a lifetime on.”
“It sounds a lot to me,” she said bitterly. Gods. Content wasn’t enough? It was more than she’d had, for most of her life.
“I thought that once too. Before I realised there was something more. Something different. Something better.”
Kara stiffened, light dawning. “You’ve met someone else. Haven’t you?”
She almost growled the last words, but Sam didn’t flinch. Held her eyes steadily. “Yes. I haven’t slept with her, Kara. Haven’t even told her how I feel.”
“Do you expect me to thank you for it?” She felt as if he had stabbed her. How had she been so blind? So stupid?
“But the way that I feel when I’m with her - I can’t let that go. I know her, you see. I understand her. She doesn’t hold anything back.”
Kara couldn’t say anything. She clenched her hands so tightly the nails cut into her palms.
“I’m sorry, Kara. It’s not that I don’t love you - but I love her more. She’s shown me joy…and beside that, content just isn’t enough.”
Kara had had enough. “Get out.”
“Kara.” His face was full of regret. “Kara, I’m so sorry. But I couldn’t go on like this. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“I don’t care. Just get out.” Her voice was quiet and level. She was afraid if she screamed at him, she might never stop.
He went.
----
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, looking around at the pieces of her shiny new life. So much for that. So much for turning over a new leaf, breaking free of the past.
I’ll be interested to see how long it takes before you frak it all up.
Shut up, Lee. She put her hands over her ears as if that would block his voice out.
She had an urge to break something, but dirt floor and canvas walls were no frakking use for smashing anything against. Gods, she hated this tent.
You will frak it up, Kara. You always do. You’ll push him until he decides it’s not worth the bother any more and leaves you.
Damn him. Damn him for always being right. He was going to crow over this one…
All at once she found herself laughing hysterically. Gods, just listen to her. Here she was, her marriage in pieces, and she wasn’t even thinking about her husband, but about frakking Lee Adama and how he was going to think she was a screw-up yet again…gods, she was pathetic. Why did she always let everything circle back around to him?
Damn you, Sam, she thought furiously. You were supposed to set me free from all this, to be my way out. You aren’t supposed to abandon me like this!
But he had. Because she wasn’t good enough, once again. Because there was some other woman who made him feel joyful, who wasn’t broken and damaged and trapped in her past.
Sam had been right about one thing. She had held part of herself back from him. But she had given him everything she could. She’d given up flying, given up Lee, for a chance at a future with him.
And yet he said what they had wasn’t enough.
That was when the tears came.
----
She allowed herself two days of grief. Two days hiding in her tent, floating in a haze of alcohol and pain. Two days to adjust to the loss of everything she had built her life around over the past year.
On the third day, she started packing.
Without Sam, there was nothing to keep her on this mud-ball planet. She’d only moved down here for him anyway. No reason to stay now.
She could fly again.
Even in the depths of her pain, her heart couldn’t help lifting at that thought. She’d missed it so much, so much…now she didn’t have to deny herself any more.
----
Adama was obviously upset to hear about her and Sam, but she could tell he was pleased to see her underneath his concern.
“Makes a nice change to have someone wanting to join the fleet rather than leave it.”
She was too on edge to smile. “Will you have me back, then?” Part of her was desperately afraid he was going to say no.
“I’d be glad to. It happens I’m in need of a new CAG at the moment. Another departure for the planet.”
Her heart soared with relief. “Well, if you can bear to have me as your CAG again, sir, I’m willing to try…”
She trailed off at the look on his face. She was missing something here.
“Well, actually…you won’t be my CAG.” He turned his pen between his fingers. “The vacancy is on Pegasus.”
Kara went absolutely still. Her ears started buzzing, and for a moment she thought she was going to faint.
“I’m not sure that would be a good idea, sir.”
“Really? Care to tell me why?” His gaze pinned her to the bulkhead.
So he still didn’t know why she and Lee had fallen out. No surprise there. Lee wasn’t the sharing type any more than she was. And she certainly wasn’t going to tell this particular story to Lee’s father, of all people.
“No sir,” she said, as firmly as she could manage.
“Then you won’t object to taking the post on Pegasus.”
“Couldn’t I be CAG here, sir? Your CAG might be glad of the transfer-”
“Somehow I don’t think she would. And it should be the new recruit who makes the adjustments.”
“Then I could be a pilot here. I’m sure you could find someone else worthy of the promotion-”
“I don’t need another pilot. I need an experienced CAG, and you’re it.” He was watching her intently. “I’m afraid that’s the only post on offer, Kara. If you don’t want it, then you’re free to go back to the planet.”
She knew he meant it. The Old Man didn’t bluff about this kind of thing.
She stared at the deck, mind racing.
She couldn’t do this. Go back to Pegasus, face Lee…oh gods, face his damned fiancée. It would be utter hell.
But…but…
If she didn’t she would have to go back to the planet and face Sam. She wouldn’t be able to fly. And she needed to fly.
That was what it came down to in the end.
So she told Adama she would go to Pegasus, and comforted herself with the thought that he’d never get Lee to agree to it anyway.
She’d just end up on Galactica after all.
The shock was so great that Kara couldn’t speak when he first told her. Just sat there in numbed silence, staring at him, while Sam rambled on awkwardly about drifting apart and rushing into marriage and not knowing each other well enough…
That last comment finally roused her to speech.
“What do you mean, we didn’t know each other well enough? When you proposed you said that it didn’t matter. That you knew all you needed to.”
Sam sighed heavily. “Well, I was wrong. But I really thought it didn’t matter - I thought we’d have plenty of time to get to know each other after we got married.”
“And we have.”
“No we haven’t.” Sam paced restlessly to the tent flap and back again. “I don’t know you, Kara. Not really. You won’t let me.”
Anger sparked and she embraced it with relief. It buffered her against the terrible crawling hurt. “What do you mean?”
“Well, for a start you won’t talk about your past.”
“I’ve told you hundreds of stories-”
“Yes, you have,” said Sam bitterly. “Stories about your pranks at academy, or your drinking exploits, or your triad wins. But not the real stories, Kara. Not the ones that matter. Not where that silver ring came from, or why your faith is so important to you. You’ve never even mentioned your parents.”
“Maybe I have nothing to tell,” she muttered, pushing back an uncomfortable feeling of guilt. He was right, but…but she hadn’t wanted him to know any of that. Had wanted to keep him separate from it all.
“Everyone has something to tell, Kara.”
“Fine,” she said. “You want to hear the story of my life? I’ll tell you, if that’ll stop this stupid-”
“It isn’t just that, Kara.” She wasn’t used to seeing him this serious. “You’ve shut me out in other ways too. I can tell when something upsets you, you know. But you won’t talk to me about it. You just pull away, and if I try to stop you, you lash out.”
Kara was silent. Every word he said was true, but-
“That’s not a real marriage, Kara. We should be able to tell each other things, lean on each other.”
“Sam, I’m sorry. I’m just used to keeping things to myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you-”
“No,” he said sadly. “It just means that you don’t love me enough. Not enough to trust me with your secrets or your hurts.” He smiled painfully. “I always knew you didn’t love me as much as I loved you, Kara, but I thought I could live with that. Turns out I can’t.”
“Why not?” It was a struggle to get the words out. “We’ve been happy, haven’t we? We’ve had fun together, been content-”
“It’s not enough.” The words seemed to explode out of him. “Yes, we’ve had fun, been happy, but it’s all on the surface. Below it, we’re as much strangers now as we were a year ago. And it’s not enough. Content isn’t enough to build a lifetime on.”
“It sounds a lot to me,” she said bitterly. Gods. Content wasn’t enough? It was more than she’d had, for most of her life.
“I thought that once too. Before I realised there was something more. Something different. Something better.”
Kara stiffened, light dawning. “You’ve met someone else. Haven’t you?”
She almost growled the last words, but Sam didn’t flinch. Held her eyes steadily. “Yes. I haven’t slept with her, Kara. Haven’t even told her how I feel.”
“Do you expect me to thank you for it?” She felt as if he had stabbed her. How had she been so blind? So stupid?
“But the way that I feel when I’m with her - I can’t let that go. I know her, you see. I understand her. She doesn’t hold anything back.”
Kara couldn’t say anything. She clenched her hands so tightly the nails cut into her palms.
“I’m sorry, Kara. It’s not that I don’t love you - but I love her more. She’s shown me joy…and beside that, content just isn’t enough.”
Kara had had enough. “Get out.”
“Kara.” His face was full of regret. “Kara, I’m so sorry. But I couldn’t go on like this. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“I don’t care. Just get out.” Her voice was quiet and level. She was afraid if she screamed at him, she might never stop.
He went.
----
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, looking around at the pieces of her shiny new life. So much for that. So much for turning over a new leaf, breaking free of the past.
I’ll be interested to see how long it takes before you frak it all up.
Shut up, Lee. She put her hands over her ears as if that would block his voice out.
She had an urge to break something, but dirt floor and canvas walls were no frakking use for smashing anything against. Gods, she hated this tent.
You will frak it up, Kara. You always do. You’ll push him until he decides it’s not worth the bother any more and leaves you.
Damn him. Damn him for always being right. He was going to crow over this one…
All at once she found herself laughing hysterically. Gods, just listen to her. Here she was, her marriage in pieces, and she wasn’t even thinking about her husband, but about frakking Lee Adama and how he was going to think she was a screw-up yet again…gods, she was pathetic. Why did she always let everything circle back around to him?
Damn you, Sam, she thought furiously. You were supposed to set me free from all this, to be my way out. You aren’t supposed to abandon me like this!
But he had. Because she wasn’t good enough, once again. Because there was some other woman who made him feel joyful, who wasn’t broken and damaged and trapped in her past.
Sam had been right about one thing. She had held part of herself back from him. But she had given him everything she could. She’d given up flying, given up Lee, for a chance at a future with him.
And yet he said what they had wasn’t enough.
That was when the tears came.
----
She allowed herself two days of grief. Two days hiding in her tent, floating in a haze of alcohol and pain. Two days to adjust to the loss of everything she had built her life around over the past year.
On the third day, she started packing.
Without Sam, there was nothing to keep her on this mud-ball planet. She’d only moved down here for him anyway. No reason to stay now.
She could fly again.
Even in the depths of her pain, her heart couldn’t help lifting at that thought. She’d missed it so much, so much…now she didn’t have to deny herself any more.
----
Adama was obviously upset to hear about her and Sam, but she could tell he was pleased to see her underneath his concern.
“Makes a nice change to have someone wanting to join the fleet rather than leave it.”
She was too on edge to smile. “Will you have me back, then?” Part of her was desperately afraid he was going to say no.
“I’d be glad to. It happens I’m in need of a new CAG at the moment. Another departure for the planet.”
Her heart soared with relief. “Well, if you can bear to have me as your CAG again, sir, I’m willing to try…”
She trailed off at the look on his face. She was missing something here.
“Well, actually…you won’t be my CAG.” He turned his pen between his fingers. “The vacancy is on Pegasus.”
Kara went absolutely still. Her ears started buzzing, and for a moment she thought she was going to faint.
“I’m not sure that would be a good idea, sir.”
“Really? Care to tell me why?” His gaze pinned her to the bulkhead.
So he still didn’t know why she and Lee had fallen out. No surprise there. Lee wasn’t the sharing type any more than she was. And she certainly wasn’t going to tell this particular story to Lee’s father, of all people.
“No sir,” she said, as firmly as she could manage.
“Then you won’t object to taking the post on Pegasus.”
“Couldn’t I be CAG here, sir? Your CAG might be glad of the transfer-”
“Somehow I don’t think she would. And it should be the new recruit who makes the adjustments.”
“Then I could be a pilot here. I’m sure you could find someone else worthy of the promotion-”
“I don’t need another pilot. I need an experienced CAG, and you’re it.” He was watching her intently. “I’m afraid that’s the only post on offer, Kara. If you don’t want it, then you’re free to go back to the planet.”
She knew he meant it. The Old Man didn’t bluff about this kind of thing.
She stared at the deck, mind racing.
She couldn’t do this. Go back to Pegasus, face Lee…oh gods, face his damned fiancée. It would be utter hell.
But…but…
If she didn’t she would have to go back to the planet and face Sam. She wouldn’t be able to fly. And she needed to fly.
That was what it came down to in the end.
So she told Adama she would go to Pegasus, and comforted herself with the thought that he’d never get Lee to agree to it anyway.
She’d just end up on Galactica after all.