Whats your age again?
Lately I have been lost in a world of confusion … I wonder what its really like to be 22 .. I went from 17 to 40 in a matter of 9 months. I have stood by to watch my sons dad be 19 .. 20 .. 21 .. 22. 23.. and now 24 .. each year living like he should be, each year being allowed to be the age he really is. And yet I skipped all those years, skipped all that “fun”. Maybe I'm not missing out on anything, but shouldn’t I be the judge of that? Shouldn’t I be the one to determine for myself if that life is for me or not. And even when I don’t have Zach, I have to force myself to act 22. Like Thursday, I had some friends that wanted me to meet them at a bar … I was a little on the tired side… but most 22 year olds wouldn’t even have questioned it .. they would have jumped in their car and gone! I went home at like 830 from eating dinner with my mom .. and I had to force myself to get ready and to leave. All the while I wanted to sleep, but who needs sleep at 22? I will admit I spent this entire weekend acting 22 … going out .. having fun .. not worrying about anything other than having fun. {though of course no MATTER where I am or what I’m doing I ALWAYS worry about my child .. for heavens sake he was with his dad .. and in bed by the time I went anywhere but yet he is still the first thought in my head} I guess I’m just a little sad that I don’t get to be 22 .. sure that’s technically how old I am .. but in my head .. in my actions . my life . I cant be 22 .. I have to be 40 .. or at least because of my life that’s how I feel .. its how my body feels … I’m a dork I know … I do want to clarify myself .. I in no way am feeling like this is Zach’s fault .. some parents would resent their children but I love my son more than life itself .. if I had to go back and choose to change things or redo them .. I would redo them just the same .. my life would be so incomplete without my son. My favorite part of every day is getting that first hug in the morning .. and that last hug before bed! Looking in his blue eyes . no matter how mischievous … I love him more and more every single day . I just sometimes wish that when he was gone for the weekend .. I could loosen up and let myself be 22!