(no subject)

Jul 27, 2009 13:34

thank you God, and sharon, for the jungle seat. it gives me at least 20 minutes of non-baby time a few times per day. i mean, that light-up waterfall even catches my eye, she must find it completely fascinating.

being a mom is SO weird. i love it so much. its so amazing when she smiles or laughs or thinks i'm funny or just wants me. i love when she falls asleep when i rock her. i love when she listens and looks when i read her a book. i love her to death. if anything ever happened to her i would DIE. just die. but sometimes, its so freaking hard and frustrating. i don't get how people do this with more than one child. i'm completely exhausted. i'll be good for about a week to 10 days but then somehow, the exhaustion catches up with me and i become a wreck, hating my life, not even wanting to look at ellie. that sounds so bad... but seriously, some days she is impossible to please. she's a mystery that i can't figure out at times and it wears on me. its very hard. hardest job in the entire world. i used to think i was tired before ellie. i had no idea what "tired" really meant.

and i mean, thank God for jala... and thank God that we have so much fun together because i don't know what i'd do if he weren't around as much as he is. he helps so much. the next step is letting myself feel ok with him watching her for a few hours every now and then so i can get a break... cause lets face it, i have to take care of myself. i'm no good when i'm feeling so crazy.

i miss my friends. i miss being able to go out. and at the same time, i wouldn't change my life for all the money in the world. i love this little girl with more than i have ever loved anything. double edged sword i guess.
its just hard feeling like i am in such a different place than everyone else. i mean, its SAD when you get excited about finding ellie's favorite toy in a variety of different animals at target. but such is my life now.
i try to talk about other things besides ellie and being a mom but it takes a very conscious effort. i mean, when all of your time is spent singing twinkle twinkle little star, and a variety of disney songs you've stored in your memory, or changing diapers, or feeding ellie... its hard to talk about or think about much else. i'm such a mom. i'm officially growing my hair out just to spite my mom-ness.

but regardless of how hard this is, at the end of the day, i love my life. no matter how tired i get. i am so thankful that ellie is healthy, and that she's mine.
i just need a break, for both our sakes.
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