Better living through chemistry
I’ve been asked to update a few times so I guess I finally will. I understand the desire finding virtual empathy through the drudgery of office work. Recently I rarely have anything on my mind, at least that I can focus on; I may have to write an introspective entry.
As for employment, I’m currently at the Miami Middletown Computer Center for the summer. It is just a step above minimum wage, but at least it’s something. I’m currently sitting well with my father and he is to me as well. This means that I really have few expenses to worry about at the current moment.
In August I start back at Miami with a graduate assistantship in the department of Political Science. The more I ruminate about it, the more I think I may have come off as a braggart. If I have, I’m truly sorry. Never really meant to be that way, I’m just honestly amazed that I got it. It will hopefully guarantee me four years of not having to worry about living on a government handout. That and the medications makes it feel like I’m in a some sort of dream world. There is a glaze over everything and it makes me unsure of what is really there.
This brings up the current chemical cocktail I’m on. I’m not a big fan of it right now. It was postulated that it would help calm my brain down and give me better focus. Well, they were half right. It has calmed me, but I just don’t care to focus now. I never really could describe the feeling on got while on this med the first time, so I always called it the gray scale rainbow. At least I shouldn’t have anymore psychotic fits or seizures. Don’t know how it will affect my university work. At least I won’t be paranoid (well, at least not as paranoid) about the on goings around. It feels like I’ve traded my old paranoia with more common items, like the fear of death. I haven’t been at all afraid of death for sometime now. Didn’t necessarily want to die, but if it would just happen to stroll its way to me, so be it. Just a lot of odd feelings that I wish I could trade for my old inspiring manic highs.
I’ve decided that I really should try to be more sociable. Previously, I didn’t like going out because I thought everything was some how plotting against me. Well there’s that, and the fact I’m horrible with social situations. The doctor said I really need to stop intellectualizing everything. I’m going to really do my best to start doing that. I honestly don’t know how to anymore, so I guess it will be a step by step process. And now with Rob taking care of his dad, I’m going to have to look to someone else to tell me when I’m being crazy. Joel, I’m looking at you. I’m also going to replace coy with curt in a lot of my debating approaches. Jill, if you remember the night at Therapy we had an argument about why the bar did or did not suck you accused me of bullshitting. I just want to clear up that I was joking (well, in my kind of joking) and was trying to show that those kinds of arguments are more abstractions meaning that neither side can ever really be “correct”. I just don’t know who to communicate socially. I still don’t know how to react around some people in certain situations. I’m fine if they want to talk or if they don’t, I just don’t know and don’t really have the patients to find out. I really don’t have problems with anyone; I just need to know what qualms they have with me so I can avoid them if necessary.
So there you go, so there is my life up to now. I really hate having post like that, but there really isn’t much on my mind. Hell, I don’t know if anyone reads this.
Uncertainly Yours,
The Suburban Scourge
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
-Oscar Wilde
As for employment, I’m currently at the Miami Middletown Computer Center for the summer. It is just a step above minimum wage, but at least it’s something. I’m currently sitting well with my father and he is to me as well. This means that I really have few expenses to worry about at the current moment.
In August I start back at Miami with a graduate assistantship in the department of Political Science. The more I ruminate about it, the more I think I may have come off as a braggart. If I have, I’m truly sorry. Never really meant to be that way, I’m just honestly amazed that I got it. It will hopefully guarantee me four years of not having to worry about living on a government handout. That and the medications makes it feel like I’m in a some sort of dream world. There is a glaze over everything and it makes me unsure of what is really there.
This brings up the current chemical cocktail I’m on. I’m not a big fan of it right now. It was postulated that it would help calm my brain down and give me better focus. Well, they were half right. It has calmed me, but I just don’t care to focus now. I never really could describe the feeling on got while on this med the first time, so I always called it the gray scale rainbow. At least I shouldn’t have anymore psychotic fits or seizures. Don’t know how it will affect my university work. At least I won’t be paranoid (well, at least not as paranoid) about the on goings around. It feels like I’ve traded my old paranoia with more common items, like the fear of death. I haven’t been at all afraid of death for sometime now. Didn’t necessarily want to die, but if it would just happen to stroll its way to me, so be it. Just a lot of odd feelings that I wish I could trade for my old inspiring manic highs.
I’ve decided that I really should try to be more sociable. Previously, I didn’t like going out because I thought everything was some how plotting against me. Well there’s that, and the fact I’m horrible with social situations. The doctor said I really need to stop intellectualizing everything. I’m going to really do my best to start doing that. I honestly don’t know how to anymore, so I guess it will be a step by step process. And now with Rob taking care of his dad, I’m going to have to look to someone else to tell me when I’m being crazy. Joel, I’m looking at you. I’m also going to replace coy with curt in a lot of my debating approaches. Jill, if you remember the night at Therapy we had an argument about why the bar did or did not suck you accused me of bullshitting. I just want to clear up that I was joking (well, in my kind of joking) and was trying to show that those kinds of arguments are more abstractions meaning that neither side can ever really be “correct”. I just don’t know who to communicate socially. I still don’t know how to react around some people in certain situations. I’m fine if they want to talk or if they don’t, I just don’t know and don’t really have the patients to find out. I really don’t have problems with anyone; I just need to know what qualms they have with me so I can avoid them if necessary.
So there you go, so there is my life up to now. I really hate having post like that, but there really isn’t much on my mind. Hell, I don’t know if anyone reads this.
Uncertainly Yours,
The Suburban Scourge
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
-Oscar Wilde