the first day.
a fresh hope for a new beginning encumbered by the overwhelming dread of that familiar strangeness, to the lecturers, the environment, the people.
the excitement burns in my throat as i almost die of anticipation, waiting for the right moment to share my thoughts. the curse of embarrassed red-flushed cheeks devour me as i hear the loud sputtering as i stumble over my obvious incoherence in a pathetic attempt at articulating the simplest ideas. the loud drone of incomprehensible chattering from the sudden existence of human beings on campus shakes my insides. id much rather them to be human beans. i hide, as always, in corners of the school that are my safe sanctuaries, waiting out on time, locked in by the key that are my headphones. safe until an innocuous predator comes to share my bench, threatening me to shrink further back into my shell. and the fear of feeding myself, no canteen lunches or proper dining, a merely basic system of survival, stands taller today as it always does on this day of firsts.
my heart races, my fingers twist, entwined with each other; a hardly noticeable reflex. i am not my anxiety.