(no subject)
I miss it here. No one watches that closely. Not many people listen to the incessant ramblings of a mad woman. I can feel myself. Alone. In complete solitude. I should come here more. To escape. To just be. I don't really know why I focus so much attention on the other journal when, in reality, this is the most important one of the bunch. There are no friends that I have listed. No one to comment and make notes where they should not belong. It really is an online journal dedicated just to me and my problems, my woes, my concerns...as well as the other that lurks within. I am unsure where she has gone to as of late. I am sure she is still somewhere inside of this abysmal shell. I just cannot find her. Or, I have not tried hard enough. It's all too much sometimes. Too much to handle. Too much unfolding at once.
I am apparently unsure what to do in my relationship. I hate him. This is true. He is not the person that I once fell in love with. Granted, I was on a lot of drugs at the time of our first meeting and it is definitely not a great way to start out a relationship if you really want it to last. We should have both been completely sober. We should not have had sex. We should have just talked. He should have wooed me more. There should have been some more wooage. It started out as a disastrous relationship and I am sure that it is going to end as one.
I have grown up plenty since I first started seeing him two years ago. I have matured. I have stopped drinking so much. I stopped doing drugs entirely. I eat healthier and I go to the gym everyday. I am focused on what I now want to do in my life and what routes I should pursue. At 25, this is a good step. This is beyond good. However, he is 34. He has not matured. In fact, he has immatured. He has digressed and become something that I despise. Acknowledging how I feel and what I know to be true, I can no longer keep this relationship. It is not healthy. Tomorrow...it shall be over.
Done.