(Untitled)
The girl with the shaved head died on the 15th; I don’t know how, I don’t know why. I’m trying hard to resist my gut feeling, that she died of an overdose because I really don’t know her that well. Dear Katie Ganja, I want to believe that it was something else. You were nice. (Edit: she didn’t, she didn’t
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It perpetually intrigues me, this group of people with whom I used to commiserate. Each person had something destroying them, whether it be tweak, heroin, guilt, depression, sex, or the idea of getting older.
Sometimes the combination.
Brittany was my friend from 7th grade on. She was so different but not in a way that screams "look at me I'm trying so hard," it was "I'm beautiful and intelligent and vunerable." I often found that I fell back on Brittany and her then best friend-Emily Quinn, who I know you know. They, together, represented these ideals that I always admired and wanted to follow. They seemed free from their surroundings.
Freshman year came, and with people like Mark Fleischaker, the SBG, and Corey Derdivannis came a slightly unexpected change: the punk days. SBG and Mark were also in love with Brittany. It was sort of a sad thing to watch, because she didn't love them. She didn't ever want to give in to anything.
I remember a certain day a little bit before the high school drama of "she loves me not" Brittany, Emily and I were walking through the lunch area and we saw them. Steve with his arms around Katie, before she cut her hair. He was wearing a corderouy jacket and his eyes stunned us. Brittany stopped in her tracks and said, "that boy is pretty."
Steve was something new.
He stood out, wasn't afraid of anything, it seemed.
Once a summer later I IMed Brittany and in a weird shamed sort of way she told me she was dating him. She seemed gone, away from who I thought she was the years before. I knew then things would change in a way I couldn't comprehend. Emily and her's relationship was weakened a bit by Brittany/Reagan's relationship with Steve and tweak. Her life seemed more complicated than it had ever been. No man had ever been a threat, and now at 16 that was all that mattered. She found a boy who loved her less that she loved him.
Granted I had to learn most of what I learned about her relationship from others, mostly Emily who seemed a little concerned but had problems of her own.
Eventually her parents found out and sent her away to scientology camp in Florida for a week, and as could be expected she came back and reminded us of a robot. She left that year to California, where she would later marry a boy when she was 17 and he was a year younger. She changed her name and her life and she was gone forever from Arizona. Emily went to the wedding but neither of us could really keep in touch.
Every once in a while I get the urge to search for a Reagan on google, but I can never bring myself to do it because I am scared of what I will see.
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can see what classes she has completed in Scientology
Trainings. It's sad because I never called her by Reagan
even after she told me to call her that. She stopped asking
me to after awhile and I could tell that she had a weird
twinge of regret, like she knew she wasn't being accountable
for something. Hopefully someday she will be able to.
The way you say that Brittani reacted to Steve makes a lot of
sense. "that boy is pretty"
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Doesn't it make sense?
I looked her up after typing my response to you and viewed the classes she had taken.
I don't care if she's scientologist.
I don't care if she's Reagen.
I just wanted her to be Brittany.
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I still think of her often as well.
"Each person had something destroying them, whether it be tweak, heroin, guilt, depression, sex, or the idea of getting older." God...how clearly you saw it all.
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