(no subject)
i took today off work..havent had a day off since the ttc strike 21 days ago.
i have internet..randomly..sort of. i kind of wish i didnt. or i would have been able to get up and do laundry and work and do the things i was supposed to do today.
it took me over 2 hours to get out of bed. i planned on staring off into space and not eating or talking for the entire day. but im trying hard to not do that. i doubt i will shower. i would like to go and rent movies but i dont think im going to make it outside. im definitely not drinking, because i know that would be a disaster.
ive made some toast and ive graduated from listening to music in bed to internet on the chair. i will move to the couch and play videogames all day if i can..maybe watch a movie. i wanted to write but it takes a lot of effort to do much of anything. i need passive-ness. bleh i feel like im 16 and moping in my parent's basement again.
everything is fine and nothing has changed (i hope)
i just dont know how to process this. dave is dealing with his recent ex who wants him back..it was cryptic enough that i cant tell if they physically hooked up again or its all just emotional. i dont know whats worse..or if there is a worse or what. and i feel bad because i dont want to have too strong of a reaction and have it be interpreted as a guilt trip..and i want to be understanding to what hes dealing with. but thats pretty doormattish thinking and im totally allowed to have sensitivities about this. or alternatively that i am affected too much..which could be creepy. fleh. i kinda just dont want to say anything at all. i dont think i will.
its a difficult mentality to get over. that i can not be the most important or the only one..a definitive best. because that doesnt exist and there has to be room for many others. and movies and stories that make me think that are just that. and everyone is trying to guess how their movie ends or should end. and the people inherently fall in love with concepts and ideas and feelings much more than the individuals themselves..which makes everything very, very confusing. i cant articulate what im thinking..its coming out wrong.
wow toast was a horrible idea..i kind of enjoyed the burning stomach hunger pain..since it took away from the weight on my chest and now i feel naseous.
part of me wants to curl up here and just hide. for who knows how long. another part wants to pick up and run off to someplace where no one will ever find me. and i will give up the idea that i will ever be part of someone else if i could ever learn to turn off my hormones. sometimes like to think i could join a convent if i had any desire to be religious. but i cant even get dressed today..so meh.
and another part wants me to tie up my lose ends and just get on the next plane to melbourne and see what happens. ha that would scare the shit out of it. its not time yet. ugh the waiting.
i am scared of september. not just this coming september and the recent amplification of just how mutilated my heart might become. but all septembers. septembers throughout my life have been host to some really complicated events. of me getting my heart broken..or breaking someone elses.
but time will change all of this. and future cities still exist..even though their dates loom closer and all these events that seemed like they had time to run their course are becoming more significant. bleh everything is being twisted to fit into this weird concept of what my life is supposed to be..and i cant really look at it because i always feel bewildered and like my brain isnt big enough to understand what im looking at. and i dont think people are functional when they try and think like that anyway.
everything is fine..its just impossible for me to fill out a visa application and go to the post office on a day like today. its also dark grey and raining outside. and will be all day.
i was so tired after work last night, walking home i imagined him at my doorstep and i almost cried on the street. i feel like im letting this go too far.
but yea..i just want to stare off into space and then go to work on monday and somehow not think about him.
if ive learned anything about the passage of time that whatever im dealing with today will fade and my hopes remain them same. so i just need to pass this..without words..not like it didnt happen..but because its not really important in terms of what im aiming for. and saying anything would probably distort things and make the target harder to see.
bleh..BLEH..anyway..back to moping.
i have internet..randomly..sort of. i kind of wish i didnt. or i would have been able to get up and do laundry and work and do the things i was supposed to do today.
it took me over 2 hours to get out of bed. i planned on staring off into space and not eating or talking for the entire day. but im trying hard to not do that. i doubt i will shower. i would like to go and rent movies but i dont think im going to make it outside. im definitely not drinking, because i know that would be a disaster.
ive made some toast and ive graduated from listening to music in bed to internet on the chair. i will move to the couch and play videogames all day if i can..maybe watch a movie. i wanted to write but it takes a lot of effort to do much of anything. i need passive-ness. bleh i feel like im 16 and moping in my parent's basement again.
everything is fine and nothing has changed (i hope)
i just dont know how to process this. dave is dealing with his recent ex who wants him back..it was cryptic enough that i cant tell if they physically hooked up again or its all just emotional. i dont know whats worse..or if there is a worse or what. and i feel bad because i dont want to have too strong of a reaction and have it be interpreted as a guilt trip..and i want to be understanding to what hes dealing with. but thats pretty doormattish thinking and im totally allowed to have sensitivities about this. or alternatively that i am affected too much..which could be creepy. fleh. i kinda just dont want to say anything at all. i dont think i will.
its a difficult mentality to get over. that i can not be the most important or the only one..a definitive best. because that doesnt exist and there has to be room for many others. and movies and stories that make me think that are just that. and everyone is trying to guess how their movie ends or should end. and the people inherently fall in love with concepts and ideas and feelings much more than the individuals themselves..which makes everything very, very confusing. i cant articulate what im thinking..its coming out wrong.
wow toast was a horrible idea..i kind of enjoyed the burning stomach hunger pain..since it took away from the weight on my chest and now i feel naseous.
part of me wants to curl up here and just hide. for who knows how long. another part wants to pick up and run off to someplace where no one will ever find me. and i will give up the idea that i will ever be part of someone else if i could ever learn to turn off my hormones. sometimes like to think i could join a convent if i had any desire to be religious. but i cant even get dressed today..so meh.
and another part wants me to tie up my lose ends and just get on the next plane to melbourne and see what happens. ha that would scare the shit out of it. its not time yet. ugh the waiting.
i am scared of september. not just this coming september and the recent amplification of just how mutilated my heart might become. but all septembers. septembers throughout my life have been host to some really complicated events. of me getting my heart broken..or breaking someone elses.
but time will change all of this. and future cities still exist..even though their dates loom closer and all these events that seemed like they had time to run their course are becoming more significant. bleh everything is being twisted to fit into this weird concept of what my life is supposed to be..and i cant really look at it because i always feel bewildered and like my brain isnt big enough to understand what im looking at. and i dont think people are functional when they try and think like that anyway.
everything is fine..its just impossible for me to fill out a visa application and go to the post office on a day like today. its also dark grey and raining outside. and will be all day.
i was so tired after work last night, walking home i imagined him at my doorstep and i almost cried on the street. i feel like im letting this go too far.
but yea..i just want to stare off into space and then go to work on monday and somehow not think about him.
if ive learned anything about the passage of time that whatever im dealing with today will fade and my hopes remain them same. so i just need to pass this..without words..not like it didnt happen..but because its not really important in terms of what im aiming for. and saying anything would probably distort things and make the target harder to see.
bleh..BLEH..anyway..back to moping.