everyday it hurts to wake up...
its like 9 0 clock right now. i was waking up off and on ever since about 7 somethin. cant sleep for shit. i went to bed at like midnight last night and laid there for about an hour and just got outta bed because i knew it wasnt going to work. what the fuck is wrong with me? seems like everything sucks. like theres no more light or something. heres an analogy for you. its like at one time, i was trapped inside of something, like a room or a box. and everything was fucking pitch black. total darkness. and for a long time, there was like a crack or a hole somewhere in the wall. so i had a fucking ray of fucking light that made me feel better. but NOW, its all gone, the lights gone, the comforts gone, its all gone. im left alone in the dark again. i know it sounds gay and corny but thats about the only way i could describe how im feeling to where anyone could understand. the truth of everything is that i truely do not have everything figured out. if anything ive never been so confused or unsure about my life and whats going on. im completely blank at this point. ive felt miserable so many times before but i think this feeling has to top it all. there is nothing for me. not anymore. its a smack in the face when you first wake up in the mourning. i hate all of these feelings and memories and thoughts im getting. its enough to kill someone i swere. all my brain does is fuck with me. i hate going to bed at night, with that alone ass feeling. like theres no one there. like no one cares. i always hate when people come over too. i get sad while they are here. mainly because i know they are going to leave me. i know that sounds pathetic. and i know that nobody is going to be able to baby sit me 24/7. but ever since mica's been gone i bassically just feel like nothing is permanent and nothing will ever be. so when people come over its just a temporary fix. and when they leave im all alone, in my room, in the dark. thinking, all over again. back to square one. the comfort is gone. there is nothing i can say, or do that can change anything. i guess im just overly expressing myself for the second day in a row. to be totally honist with everybody that reads this. i wish i was dead. not like woes me, cry, im gunna kill myself dead. but i just wish i was free. just nothing, no more, just free. no more drama, no more worry, no more care, no more jealousy, no more love, no more hate, no more anything. just be free. but thats being selfish. besides. my time will come some day. it will for all of us. i wasnt going to type this but i might as well. ive typed pretty much everything else out on here. im gunna be leaving in about an hour to the docters office to get evaluated finally. im actually scared. but its what i want. i hope they can help me out a little bit because i sure as shit cant help myself. i dont anybody really can. but in the end i can relate this to a manson song too, coma white. i swere to christ i can relate everything in my life to his music. i dunno what that means exactly but its the truth. right now the whole mechanical animals cd has been my bible, like almost every track is how i feel right now. its corny, its gay, its me. its deep. whatever pills i get from the docter or whatever i hope they help me. and if not, then maybe they will get me fucked up if i take 3 of em at a time, that could be fun too. another thing id like to adress is, i KNOW that ive been drinking alot, but i havent drank anything since that day i was at robbies with mica and keely. i dont know exactly what day that was on. i think it was monday maybe?, but that was honistly the last time i drank. so im starting to get a little bit better. and i wish i could say that for my cigerettes too but i cant. i guess im just a nervy person. well, 30 is commin out of my check right off the bat. i took my dad to the gas station so he could buy me smokes, but hten he fuckin pumped 30 dollars worth of gas and said i had to pay him back....its like wtf is that i didnt even ask u for that muther fucker, but thats just what i was thinking, wut i really said was...thank you. thats not important though. im just a scatter brain anymore. i dont know. i really wish i did have everything figured out. i really wish i knew where i belonged. but the more i think about it, and the more i look at my life even back in middle school. ive never really belonged anywhere. so maybe thats just me. ill probably never be good enough. but i will always remember the time when i was...
"There's something cold and blank
behind her smile...
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
Cause you were
From a perfect world
A world that
Threw me away today...
Today...today
To run away
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you
Anybody else...
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid
That lost all her dolls
Cause you were from a perfect world
A world that
Threw me away today...
Today...today
To run away
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you
Anybody else...
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself..."
everyday it hurts to wake up...
"There's something cold and blank
behind her smile...
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
Cause you were
From a perfect world
A world that
Threw me away today...
Today...today
To run away
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you
Anybody else...
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid
That lost all her dolls
Cause you were from a perfect world
A world that
Threw me away today...
Today...today
To run away
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you
Anybody else...
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself..."
everyday it hurts to wake up...