some of us are really born to die

[stupid_face13]

there isnt anything for me to say anymore. not really atleast. not for the time being. for a long time i thought i knew what i wanted, i thought life was great, and i thought i knew what was in store. but i mean really, no one ever knows. anything can change at any moment. i dont want to say that you shouldnt hold on to NOTHING at all just because you will lose it later on. but you kind of have to wonder if thats the smartest thing to do. my problem was that i held onto things that i cared about and that made me happy, TOO HARD. I loved everything so much that i didnt want to let it go. and when bad things would happen, id chose to ignore it, because i thought thats what i truely wanted. dont get me wrong. what i really wanted was to just be happy, be in my relationship, live happily ever after. bla bla bla. but uve gotta think. we're still kids at this point. nobody is going to want to settle down, and i guess i shouldnt have put so much into the relationship. i guess it was just because i had never been that happy before. with anybody or anything. the thing is. im not going to snap, go crazy, and make a big scene about everything. because then you make an ass of yourself, and nothing changes. so what i will say is. im glad im myself. im glad i am who i am. its true i hate myself sometimes. but i think we all do. but if i hate myself THAT BAD, then i can never like or be around anyone else. maybe none of this makes sense to anyone reading it. but i dont care at this point. im letting everything thats going on in my head out right now. i do feel like all i was was somthing in the way of allowing people i cared for to be there happiest. and im really sorry that things had to be that way. i know who i am, i know what happens to me. and alot of others out there. to put it bluntly, people like me, arent shit. not to most of you. we are the losers, fags, nerds, creepy, ugly, spazdic, alcoholics, wutever you want to call it. i mean, everyones different, and i dont think any one person belongs to a group, but now i know that im not good enough to be around certain people in this world. for certain people there is a rain cloud that follows there asses. seems like its inevitable that you are going to get hurt. its your fault, your the loser, your the burden, YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. and thats what i am. im not. im not good enough for most girls. most people really. i fall short of peoples expectations. hell i do to my own family too. im not excluding other people out there. im not cry babying and i know im not the only person with things on there minds. i just want you all to keep that in mind. i think ive just gotten to a point to where i really truly dont care anymore. u try and u care for so long, and you get to a point to where you just have to let go, because otherwise it will kill you. im just going to do my best, and not be angry. thats all i can do. its time for me to leave. thats all. i know when im not wanted and i dont belong. so, i give up. but, for the record, id like to state, that when im 21 years old, i wont ever do anything with a 15 year old kid. for more reasons than one. im not mad, im not gunna go crazy, im not going to threaten and be gay and call names. no. im done with everything. i want everyone to just be happy. so, take the path chosen. this really does suck. i was the happiest person on earth a few months ago. but i cant hold onto something that isnt there i guess. it really does suck. everything does. when you feel like such a fuckin idiot, like a fucking fool. like everyone around you knows the truth but you dont. its all head games. im not mentally strong enough YET to stand that kind of bullshit. so yes. I lose. I lose, i lost, im the loser, im the lil faget, im the bitch, im whatever you want me to be. even though everything hurts so bad right now. its just another learning experience. thats life for you. i really do wish that i could have been good enough. i should have known that i wudnt be someday. but thats what holding on to hope gives you. "holding on to faith, never gave me nothing but dispair" yeah, i believe that 100 percent. life isnt all about getting fucked over and emotionally crushed tho, it can be really happy, and very real. but im still just trying to find it. im sorry that im not good enough, im sorry i couldnt have meant as much to you as you did to me. im sorry for everything. its not that im never going to trust anybody ever again. its just going to take me a long time before i start looking for the good in individuals that come in go in my life. fuck. im 17 years old. i havent even lived with. look at this mind fuck of a journal entry. its ridiculous. i really wish i hadnt even typed. i was actually just thinking about deleting the whole thing. but mica, your not stupid, you know ive been talkin about us like this whole thing. i mean duh. i dunno, iono wut ta say really, im not mad at you, im not mad at anything, i jsut want ya to know that right away. im just upset that things had to get this way. you meant alot to me. ALOT. and i really am a very unhappy person right now in my life. but thats me. im not goin to get in the way no more, i do love you, and i will for a long time, but i just want you to be happy. and if your happy where you are right now, then im really really glad for you. i wish i could find a place too. the truth is i really really really really miss you. and it kills me to see you. your so beautiful and i miss bein with you. but theres nothin i can do..i miss ya, wish i could still be what i was for you. i dunno. thank you for every fucking thing tho, it was amazing. and i love you. and i hope now i can find a place that makes me happy. im sorry

fuck...

i might come back and change some of what i typed, im jsut all fucked up right now and i it was just me typing non stop, im sorry if i pissed anyone off, i really am aight, im sorry, peace

okay i jsut came back to edit this, i just wanted to say to mica, that hey, man i aint mad at all, and i dont want you to say oh dont be a baby, and shit liek that, i mean i know i kissed sumone else too, it aint really all that, its just i hate how everything turned out, and i do miss ya. but i mean, we were together for a while. i dunno, i just want ya to take care of urself and be happy aight?, who the hell knows, maybe someday we will be together again, you can never tell in this crazy CRAZY ass world...but till then, i wanna be the best friend i can for ya, and even if that day never comes, i still wanna be ur friend, u meant to much to me for to long for u to just disapere like everything else. aight? ill still see dukes of hazzard with ya if u still want to with me. iono, take care of urself okay?, i miss ya...

MUCH MUTHER FUCKING LOVE TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS, IM CRYIN WHILE IM TYPIN THIS, YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME, ALL OF YOU, THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

and maggie, yeah that song 9 on that avenged cd was the fuckin shit, ive heard it before but its really really sad, i fuckin love it, some of there stuff honistly is so so, but there has been some songs ive actually gotten into, hope ya like the manson stuff, MECHANICAL ANIMALS, im tellin ya, iono thanks for the shit, and the alice in chains is gunna be dope

I LOVE EVERYBODY!, NO MORE HATE, there is nothing to hate, I LOVE YOU ALL, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!, peace....

LOVE

and empathy...