(no subject)
i miss bucko. i haven't talked to him in two measily days, but i still miss him. i wish that i didn't but i can't help it. how is anyone supposed to go being with someone every day and sleeping with someone every night to not seeing them for three months? i don't know.
and he also said that he needed time (apart) to think about things. this was a couple weeks ago. in my mind i wondered, how much farther apart to you want to be? because he still wants to talk to me every night, and that was all what we were doing anyway. i was careful to talk about next school year without including him in my plans, and then he comments about things that i say, as if he will be there, just as he always is there. he says the space isn't forever, and he says, "who knows what will happen in the next three years." what do you mean in the next three years? what is that supposed to mean?
and then he says that besides his family, i am the most important relationship he's ever had in his life. i know in the past i'm plenty guilty of having expectations or reading into something that is nothing. but really, this time, i was just going with the flow and living my life with no expectations, living a day at a time instead of thinking about the future (in terms of relationships), and just seeing where life takes me (in relationships). all the times he starts conversations, all the times he's asked me when i'm coming over, all the times he's freaked out when i said i didn't want to talk or i didn't want to spend the night.
ug i love him dammit! i can't help it. i miss his long bony legs being wrapped around me during the night and i miss his chest furs and i miss falling asleep watching movies and him picking me up and taking me to bed and i miss breakfasts with him and sitting next to each other and working and wrestling and ten million other things. why it's hitting me now after not talking to him for two days is something that i can't explain. it's hard knowing that he doesn't miss me the same way.
i think it was because today at my first day back at the photo lab, sarah just got engaged and spent the whole morning talking about them going to the beach this weekend i think for a bachelor and bachelorette party, and then she started asking me who i was seeing. and then after work mom and me went out to valeska's to pick up something she made for a baby shower mom's going to, and after being barraged (in a good way) by her kids, she started talking about how she never gets any sleep because savannah will be wriggling around in the bed and how willy (her husband) will clamp his leg around her. she showed us an example, all while we were laughing hysterically, but i immediately thought of drew doing the exact same thing. i always walked around with a sore midsection because of it but i didn't mind.
i'm so excited to live in phase iii next semester and have something close to an actual apartment. and then while driving around monford to find out where i'm going to work for this architect, i found this amazing apartment building right across the street from the park, and i have just been daydreaming about being on my own and having my own life, my work, my own schedule, my own food, my own lifestyle, and then of course i take it one step further to drew, coming and visiting me.
everything in reality points to whatever we have ending when college ends. and while i can accept this and then just enjoy the time we have together while we have it, part of me asks, why do i even bother? in a completely morbid way it's like marrying someone who is about to die, granted you would do it because you loved them (and not in the anna nicole smith case), what would you get out of it? you would be able to say, in the time we were together, things were amazing and i wish they weren't so shortlived? is that how i'm supposed to go on with drew, with this mindset? that i'm in it for the great times, but i have to accept that they won't last forever?
how does any couple deal with graduating college after they've been together for a long time?
why the heck am i even worried about this now?
i think the answer is, i really care for drew, and after college we will either be together, or we won't be. and i just don't want to think about this good time ending any time soon, that's all.
i wish i didn't care about love so dang much.
and he also said that he needed time (apart) to think about things. this was a couple weeks ago. in my mind i wondered, how much farther apart to you want to be? because he still wants to talk to me every night, and that was all what we were doing anyway. i was careful to talk about next school year without including him in my plans, and then he comments about things that i say, as if he will be there, just as he always is there. he says the space isn't forever, and he says, "who knows what will happen in the next three years." what do you mean in the next three years? what is that supposed to mean?
and then he says that besides his family, i am the most important relationship he's ever had in his life. i know in the past i'm plenty guilty of having expectations or reading into something that is nothing. but really, this time, i was just going with the flow and living my life with no expectations, living a day at a time instead of thinking about the future (in terms of relationships), and just seeing where life takes me (in relationships). all the times he starts conversations, all the times he's asked me when i'm coming over, all the times he's freaked out when i said i didn't want to talk or i didn't want to spend the night.
ug i love him dammit! i can't help it. i miss his long bony legs being wrapped around me during the night and i miss his chest furs and i miss falling asleep watching movies and him picking me up and taking me to bed and i miss breakfasts with him and sitting next to each other and working and wrestling and ten million other things. why it's hitting me now after not talking to him for two days is something that i can't explain. it's hard knowing that he doesn't miss me the same way.
i think it was because today at my first day back at the photo lab, sarah just got engaged and spent the whole morning talking about them going to the beach this weekend i think for a bachelor and bachelorette party, and then she started asking me who i was seeing. and then after work mom and me went out to valeska's to pick up something she made for a baby shower mom's going to, and after being barraged (in a good way) by her kids, she started talking about how she never gets any sleep because savannah will be wriggling around in the bed and how willy (her husband) will clamp his leg around her. she showed us an example, all while we were laughing hysterically, but i immediately thought of drew doing the exact same thing. i always walked around with a sore midsection because of it but i didn't mind.
i'm so excited to live in phase iii next semester and have something close to an actual apartment. and then while driving around monford to find out where i'm going to work for this architect, i found this amazing apartment building right across the street from the park, and i have just been daydreaming about being on my own and having my own life, my work, my own schedule, my own food, my own lifestyle, and then of course i take it one step further to drew, coming and visiting me.
everything in reality points to whatever we have ending when college ends. and while i can accept this and then just enjoy the time we have together while we have it, part of me asks, why do i even bother? in a completely morbid way it's like marrying someone who is about to die, granted you would do it because you loved them (and not in the anna nicole smith case), what would you get out of it? you would be able to say, in the time we were together, things were amazing and i wish they weren't so shortlived? is that how i'm supposed to go on with drew, with this mindset? that i'm in it for the great times, but i have to accept that they won't last forever?
how does any couple deal with graduating college after they've been together for a long time?
why the heck am i even worried about this now?
i think the answer is, i really care for drew, and after college we will either be together, or we won't be. and i just don't want to think about this good time ending any time soon, that's all.
i wish i didn't care about love so dang much.