and will we ever...

Aug 28, 2009 19:48

There have been some things that I haven't told people. Things in this past year that, were they to come out (they won't) people will start to wonder about me. How  terrible has this year in Arcata been for me? Pretty tragic.

So, please believe me when I say that things have gotten SO much better for me and my present state of mind. To be clear: it has nothing to do with Michael and myself as a couple, Michael by himself, or my not going to school.

Sometimes I just wish I could explain everything to everybody... myself even. No, I don't know what it was that turned me back into a person that I thought I had gotten rid of. Fear, I suppose. Fear of the unknown and new places. Fear of losing my friends.

One of my biggest peeves is when people assume I'm going to blow up or get upset. THAT, my friends, is what makes me upset.
It's amazing how pain can just wash over you like that. When you see yourself through other people's eyes and it's not pretty. Oh well. Neither here nor there.

The worst part about "having a bad year?" The fact that some people don't trust the good days. Or they overreact to the bad. Sin or not, I'm entitled to a little envy. There are things I have wanted for years and years and don't have. There are some people who always made a point to belittle me for these wants and then turn around and get them themselves. How is that fair? I don't think of myself as a horrible person and I hope nobody else does.

God, there are things I want so badly right now. So badly it makes me cry from the lack of. I feel like I'm so much older than my 22 years some days; like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. My head is so full of things I want to say and can't and things that I shouldn't say and do. However, it's okay! It's all okay. I'm a patient person and what's a little more, right?

I don't know where I'm really going with this. It's supposed to be a posting of life affirming "I'm okay!" stuff. So let's do that.

I just want to tell everybody that I'm okay. I'm well and not overwhelmed anymore. Things are smoother. I just need the benefit of the doubt from people more often than they're giving it to me.

I have a job finally that I love. Love, love, love. It may not sound like much to some people, but being a barista means a lot to me. I can't explain it really, I thought I was done with food service. Everyday though, I'm excited to go to work. It's been so long since I've had that feeling. Just in the past 3 weeks I've been in good moods every single day. I've turned around almost.

Also a big deal is that I guess I'm finally getting used to it over here. I know, it's been a year shouldn't I have had this realization earlier? Not when you're miserable and don't even like to go outside. Haha.

So I'm in love, have a job that I enjoy, and I'm not just-barely-scraping-by poor. I'm in good health and have friends who care about me. I've even begun painting again.

My life is finally moving in the direction it's supposed to. Thank goodness.
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