goin home and leavin low
here is another story i wrote for a writing class this term.
"hey matt, how are you?" i asked.
"im tired, cranky, and just want to get home.!"
loading my carry-on baggage inot the car after flyin cross country all day, it seemed like matt didnt even care i had flown out to see him. i was hoping to spend some quality time with my brother while i was back in alabama for spring break. so far, i wasnt sure if it was goin to go well or not.
"do you want to sleep on the couch or the blow up mattress?" matt asked when we finally arrived at his apartment.
"i will just sleep on the mattress," i said.
goin to sleep out in the front room, i wondered what the next couple of days were goin to be like bein back in alabama after being gone for two years. "how will everyone treat me now?" i thought, as i fell asleep.
soon the days were passing; time itself was slowly creeing by me.
"what have you been up to wiht your life tim? have you been seein anyone lately?" people would ask me. not knowing what to say, i felt scared to tell them the truth. i knew that was what they wanted, but would they like what they heard?
"im doin good, goin to school, working, thats about it," i would say. i never could tell them that i had been seeing a guy now for three weeks and that i was gay. i just couldnt think of how hard it would be for them to hear that coming from me.
i had been in selma for four days so far and was going to church everyday i had been there, which just wasnt for me. that night, after the evangelist finished preaching and invited everyone to pray for those that they thought needed prayer, i thought i would make it out of there with my respect. But that didnt go that way for me.
sitting ther in the church pew, someone came up to me and asked if they could take me up to the altar to pray. being nice and knowing that they didnt mean any harm, i went up there with them.
"are you saved tim?" chelsea asks after she finishes with her prayer for me.
with several hands on my back, i slowly reply back, "i think that i am, but im not sure anymore."
"can i pray for your salvation then?'
"can we talk about this first?" i say confusingly back to her.
as we walk to a classroom off to the side of the church,i can feel eyes following us like im some kind of freak or outcast.
sitting down in the small classroom on fold up wooden chairs, chelsea and i start to talk about things.
"what has happened to you since you left?" she asks me.
"i have been the person who God made me to be."
"how can you say that? it even says that the way you are living is wrong in the bible."
"i fought being gay for six years chelsea. i have done everything i could think of not to be this way. this is not a choice i made. the only thing i chose was to accept who God created me to be and to live proudly that way." i told her. "i never talked to a single gay person until i was 18 yrs old and i have felt like this since i was in the sixth grade. i jus got tired of hiding who i really was and livin a lie"
as she was sitting there my brother matt and the music ministers wife, melissa, walked in because they knew what was goin on in here.
"how can you say that this is how God created you to be?" melissa asks me.
"because this is how i have felt since the sixth grade. i have always had these feelings for guys and have never gotten rid of them. i even hadthem while i was down here for two years."
after about ten minutes of tryin to explain my point to three people who were closed miinded enough not to accept this, i finally started goin their way with things i said. soon, it was not even true what i was saying.
just to please them, i started sayin things like, "i know what im doin is wrong and against the bible, but this is how i feel i should live.'
"do you really want to live this way or do you want to be normal? you know what is right and wrong, we dont have to tell you that." matt told me.
"i know what is right and what is wrong, yes, but this is who i am.'
"well you can get help for this and be cured," melissa said. "i know of people who have been changed and are happy with their lives. they are married with a happy family. it is possible to be fixed.
thinking of what i was being told, it seemed like to me more like i had a disease of some kind and not a way of life. to me this was my life. to them, its somethign repulsive, something deadly, or somethign they didnt even want to be associated with. to me, it felt like i was nd outsider that didnt belong there with the way i am.
after feelign so low and not wanting to talk about it anymore, we all agreed that i would get help once i got back home. i would seek out a counselor, join a church, get an accountability partner, and after awhile, i would be cured.
once i got back to springfield, my brother calls me the day after i landed. "so how are you doin? have you called or done anything about what we talked about while you were here?" he asks me.
"no matt i havent. im not goin to change who i am because of someone else. this is who i am and who i want to be. im sorry you dont feel the same way, but i like guys and always will," i explained to him.
for now, that chapter of my life is still unfinished. its osmehting that my family is still coming to terms with and soemthign i will have to wait for. i jut hope they see that im still the same person they knew before i came out.
before hanging up the phone the last time i talked to my brother, i told him, "i love you no matter what matt."
i have not heard from him since.
i wrote that three weeks ago and just talked to him two days ago for the first time since then. later tim
"hey matt, how are you?" i asked.
"im tired, cranky, and just want to get home.!"
loading my carry-on baggage inot the car after flyin cross country all day, it seemed like matt didnt even care i had flown out to see him. i was hoping to spend some quality time with my brother while i was back in alabama for spring break. so far, i wasnt sure if it was goin to go well or not.
"do you want to sleep on the couch or the blow up mattress?" matt asked when we finally arrived at his apartment.
"i will just sleep on the mattress," i said.
goin to sleep out in the front room, i wondered what the next couple of days were goin to be like bein back in alabama after being gone for two years. "how will everyone treat me now?" i thought, as i fell asleep.
soon the days were passing; time itself was slowly creeing by me.
"what have you been up to wiht your life tim? have you been seein anyone lately?" people would ask me. not knowing what to say, i felt scared to tell them the truth. i knew that was what they wanted, but would they like what they heard?
"im doin good, goin to school, working, thats about it," i would say. i never could tell them that i had been seeing a guy now for three weeks and that i was gay. i just couldnt think of how hard it would be for them to hear that coming from me.
i had been in selma for four days so far and was going to church everyday i had been there, which just wasnt for me. that night, after the evangelist finished preaching and invited everyone to pray for those that they thought needed prayer, i thought i would make it out of there with my respect. But that didnt go that way for me.
sitting ther in the church pew, someone came up to me and asked if they could take me up to the altar to pray. being nice and knowing that they didnt mean any harm, i went up there with them.
"are you saved tim?" chelsea asks after she finishes with her prayer for me.
with several hands on my back, i slowly reply back, "i think that i am, but im not sure anymore."
"can i pray for your salvation then?'
"can we talk about this first?" i say confusingly back to her.
as we walk to a classroom off to the side of the church,i can feel eyes following us like im some kind of freak or outcast.
sitting down in the small classroom on fold up wooden chairs, chelsea and i start to talk about things.
"what has happened to you since you left?" she asks me.
"i have been the person who God made me to be."
"how can you say that? it even says that the way you are living is wrong in the bible."
"i fought being gay for six years chelsea. i have done everything i could think of not to be this way. this is not a choice i made. the only thing i chose was to accept who God created me to be and to live proudly that way." i told her. "i never talked to a single gay person until i was 18 yrs old and i have felt like this since i was in the sixth grade. i jus got tired of hiding who i really was and livin a lie"
as she was sitting there my brother matt and the music ministers wife, melissa, walked in because they knew what was goin on in here.
"how can you say that this is how God created you to be?" melissa asks me.
"because this is how i have felt since the sixth grade. i have always had these feelings for guys and have never gotten rid of them. i even hadthem while i was down here for two years."
after about ten minutes of tryin to explain my point to three people who were closed miinded enough not to accept this, i finally started goin their way with things i said. soon, it was not even true what i was saying.
just to please them, i started sayin things like, "i know what im doin is wrong and against the bible, but this is how i feel i should live.'
"do you really want to live this way or do you want to be normal? you know what is right and wrong, we dont have to tell you that." matt told me.
"i know what is right and what is wrong, yes, but this is who i am.'
"well you can get help for this and be cured," melissa said. "i know of people who have been changed and are happy with their lives. they are married with a happy family. it is possible to be fixed.
thinking of what i was being told, it seemed like to me more like i had a disease of some kind and not a way of life. to me this was my life. to them, its somethign repulsive, something deadly, or somethign they didnt even want to be associated with. to me, it felt like i was nd outsider that didnt belong there with the way i am.
after feelign so low and not wanting to talk about it anymore, we all agreed that i would get help once i got back home. i would seek out a counselor, join a church, get an accountability partner, and after awhile, i would be cured.
once i got back to springfield, my brother calls me the day after i landed. "so how are you doin? have you called or done anything about what we talked about while you were here?" he asks me.
"no matt i havent. im not goin to change who i am because of someone else. this is who i am and who i want to be. im sorry you dont feel the same way, but i like guys and always will," i explained to him.
for now, that chapter of my life is still unfinished. its osmehting that my family is still coming to terms with and soemthign i will have to wait for. i jut hope they see that im still the same person they knew before i came out.
before hanging up the phone the last time i talked to my brother, i told him, "i love you no matter what matt."
i have not heard from him since.
i wrote that three weeks ago and just talked to him two days ago for the first time since then. later tim