pain
pain seems to come from so many different places. like my friend emily last night was completely for me about this and then today she is completely against and doesnt really udnerstand everything about it i guess. and to add to it, my ex girlfriend now is confused as to why i even acted like something was goin to happen and why for the last four years then have i led her on. i know it was wrong to do that to her, but also at the same time i had to act like i was living a "normal" life goin after the "right" types of relationships in my life. i just care too much about other peoples emotions and it always gets into the way of what i am tryin to tell them cause i start tryin to protect their feelings and not maken sure i get everything out i need to. i know its like i can change their opinions but still i wish that i could. i just wish that they could feel how i feel about things and what i have gone through in my life. they dont realize what it was like tryin to live with my dad and how hard it was to actually live my life and not the life he wanted me to live, which may still happen if i have to go back and live with him for college. it just hurts so bad when people i feel like there is nothin that can get between our friendship, i go and find a way to destroy it and make everything so much worse in their life and my life. i have always been known to screw things up with other people and i just know that things are just gonna keep gettin screwed up with more and more people and sooner or later it is gonna probably kill me one time and i just wont be able to take it anymore. i just hope that i dont have too many problems that are gonna happen cause i dont know how much i will be able to take now.