Soul searching again.......
I know I keep whinging but I feel so empty again today....I have this nagging heart that I dunno you might say craves something but I dunno what. Adventure maybe....love oh just something I just don't know.
I feel all my life I have been searching for something but I dunno what and its tough to deal with. There is something missing in my life I know...my Mom says it maybe the desire for marriage and a family but hell thats the last thing I want. Could'nt handle that just NO...I need to be free and that would just never work and anyway I do not believe in marriage. Said before I can not do love and stability or keep faithful long enough to enter such a thing and anyway who would want me with all my issues but I do need something.
My dream is to live on a canal barge or in an old bus maybe and have enough money to just move around where I wanna go and if it gets to much in one place I could just up sticks and run to somewhere new. I know I am nomadic its in my blood and I really desire to keep on the move. Most people want stability and safety of a secure environment but I don't so what is wrong with me. Yes I desire a true soulmate someone like me and someone who wants what i want....making no sense huh and going around in circles.
I know I said I don't know what I am looking for and then come up with it but thats to far out of my grasp.....so I am still searching. The trouble is while I endlessly sit and search my life is dripping by and I do nothing and I am wasting my life. Should I just go with the flow and learn to conform....do what everyone else does and take life on the nose.
The thing is I can't I think to much....yes I am crazy I know but what is it I am looking for why does my heart ache for something. No its not Kristi before anyone asks....she has gone and almost forgoten yet still missed and yes of course I still love her but no its not her. I had this feeling way before and during her time and still do. I just feel there is something really missing in my life.
Okay it might just be a touch of anxiety today but its always there....the grass is always greener maybe I dunno. Its just I have always felt so empty and numb and I need something. I now virtually live in a cyber world....all my best friends are in it and I am chained to my pc it seems 24/7 and I am so thankful to you all as you are my sanity and to my best little friend I thank you so much....but I still crave something and are damned to know what it is.
Scarey fact is its my B'day comming soon but I am no more happier or content than I was 10 years ago and still craving that one wild adventure that I sought then. I also fear what is gonna happen to me in the future as I can't see me ever really settling down. As my Mom says I have always been a feral child that no one can really tame but I guess as you get older certian behaviour has to be culled and thats why everyone over times grows out of me. I am good for a while but eventually people grow tired and move on and I am left alone.
I just wonder what I am seeking......
I feel all my life I have been searching for something but I dunno what and its tough to deal with. There is something missing in my life I know...my Mom says it maybe the desire for marriage and a family but hell thats the last thing I want. Could'nt handle that just NO...I need to be free and that would just never work and anyway I do not believe in marriage. Said before I can not do love and stability or keep faithful long enough to enter such a thing and anyway who would want me with all my issues but I do need something.
My dream is to live on a canal barge or in an old bus maybe and have enough money to just move around where I wanna go and if it gets to much in one place I could just up sticks and run to somewhere new. I know I am nomadic its in my blood and I really desire to keep on the move. Most people want stability and safety of a secure environment but I don't so what is wrong with me. Yes I desire a true soulmate someone like me and someone who wants what i want....making no sense huh and going around in circles.
I know I said I don't know what I am looking for and then come up with it but thats to far out of my grasp.....so I am still searching. The trouble is while I endlessly sit and search my life is dripping by and I do nothing and I am wasting my life. Should I just go with the flow and learn to conform....do what everyone else does and take life on the nose.
The thing is I can't I think to much....yes I am crazy I know but what is it I am looking for why does my heart ache for something. No its not Kristi before anyone asks....she has gone and almost forgoten yet still missed and yes of course I still love her but no its not her. I had this feeling way before and during her time and still do. I just feel there is something really missing in my life.
Okay it might just be a touch of anxiety today but its always there....the grass is always greener maybe I dunno. Its just I have always felt so empty and numb and I need something. I now virtually live in a cyber world....all my best friends are in it and I am chained to my pc it seems 24/7 and I am so thankful to you all as you are my sanity and to my best little friend I thank you so much....but I still crave something and are damned to know what it is.
Scarey fact is its my B'day comming soon but I am no more happier or content than I was 10 years ago and still craving that one wild adventure that I sought then. I also fear what is gonna happen to me in the future as I can't see me ever really settling down. As my Mom says I have always been a feral child that no one can really tame but I guess as you get older certian behaviour has to be culled and thats why everyone over times grows out of me. I am good for a while but eventually people grow tired and move on and I am left alone.
I just wonder what I am seeking......