Without Options, chapter 1 (twins NC-17)
Title: Without options
Pairing(s): Bill/Tom
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Twincest, mpreg, angst, minor character death, fluff
Summary: Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, it all changes. It was out of your hands to start with anyway.
Author's notes:
This is the very first chaptered fic I’ve ever written, and by golly it’s scary. This is my view and my words that a lot of you might not agree with, but I hope you’ll like it any way :) This story concentrates on the emotions, and this will skip periods in time (like weeks). We’re looking at about nine chapters of this.
Huge thank yous to:
icemint for all the betaing and other ways of helping, too.
rainbowcolored7 for the gorgeous banner.
cynical_terror and rainbowcolored7 for letting me play with their words on this chapter :)
“So you’re still not going to come and hold my hand?” Bill asked as Tom pulled the car to a parking lot in the hospital‘s ground floor.
“You’ve managed just fine by yourself for the past two months,” Tom said with an apprehensive look. “Or is this time worse than before somehow?”
“No, no, it’s just that… I’d come if it were you.”
“Bill, you know how much I hate hospitals. The smell and the white jackets and... It’s you, getting hit by a needle, I hate seeing you being uncomfortable,” Tom shivered a little at the vision of a big bad needle breaking the skin of his precious brother.
“You’ve seen me get tattooed every time. How is that not me being uncomfortable?”
“But that’s different. Somehow,” Tom added in a quieter voice.
Bill laughed a little. “Sure it is, you perv.”
“Nah, I’m just going to go and look for, for something…”
“Caps, you can say you’re going to buy caps. I don’t mind even though it is really ridiculous as you’ve already got a bigger collection than the shops have.”
Tom at least tried to look regretful of his cap obsession. “I’ll come pick you up in half an hour?”
“Sure,” Bill kissed Tom on the cheek and got up from the seat.
“Be brave, baby,” Tom shouted after him and drove away.
Bill made his way to the elevator and couldn’t help but feel a bit annoyed with Tom. He knew his brother hated hospitals, but he didn’t feel that comfortable there either. Apparently, according to Tom, he had outdone himself by being by Bill’s hospital bed day and night during the throat surgery, so therefore Bill’s weekly visits to the doctor to get a vitamin jab were something he could surely manage all by himself.
Jost hadn’t given Bill much options when he had announced that he had booked Bill a weekly date with a doctor to get vitamin jabs. Pills from a bottle wouldn’t work on Bill’s complete loss of any sort of energy and, as Jost had rightfully added, he didn’t trust Bill in remembering to put any sort of healthy pills to his mouth regularly.
Bill had obeyed and to be honest, it hadn’t been that bad. His doctor was a nice man, in his early 40’s. He’d made Bill feel relaxed on their first meeting, as he had jokingly given him a lollypop for being such a good sport, not whining about needles almost at all.
“Good day, Mr. Kaulitz,” Dr. Fuchs smiled as Bill walked into the doctor’s office. “How are we feeling today?”
“I think you’re jabbing me with water, I feel less energetic than ever. I feel cranky and tired all the time,” Bill said and started rolling his sleeve up.
Dr. Fuchs stilled his movements a little.
“Oh, really? Well, it’s just natural that before they really start kicking in, your body might feel a bit weird with something being injected in it.”
“I just don’t get it, I was feeling fine at first, and for the past weeks it’s just gotten worse.”
“You just have to give it time, suffer a little for getting all-round healthier in the end,” Dr. Fuchs said reassuringly with a bright smile, and fixed the needle ready.
“I’m more used to suffering for beauty,” Bill said under his breath.
***
Bill pondered on whether he should make himself a cup of tea or a cup of coffee. He’d been addicted to caffeine for years now and he liked it that way. The smell of coffee in the morning, or how he could feel coffee fill his stomach when he was hungry and didn’t have time to eat, those were things he enjoyed. Lately though, the idea of having a cup was making him nauseous for some reason.
He put the kettle on and chose a bag of mint tea, at least that would be good for his throat. He threw a pissed-off look at the huge bag of new caps on the kitchen corner. Tom was passionate about lecturing Bill about being messy, but apparently the same thing that was Bill being messy was just Tom being forgetful. Bill didn’t usually care about stuff being here or there, their lifestyle was hectic and fast and not that concentrated on being organised and in order. But he hadn’t felt like himself lately, somehow every little thing Tom did or especially didn’t do, annoyed him.
Bill had just bundled himself up nicely to the couch corner with a cup of tea and a blanket wrapped around him, when Tom came downstairs.
“Oh, tea. Is the water still hot?”
“I don’t know, go try.”
“What if I burn myself?” Tom smiled and pinched Bill’s toe through the blanket.
“Then it’ll probably hurt a little. Tom, I’m trying to watch this, stop being annoying,” Bill snapped and pulled his feet away from Tom’s reach.
Tom looked at him with a confused look on his face and went to the kitchen. He returned shortly, holding a black cup with a red heart drawn on it. Bill had bought them identical cups when they first moved to their own house, joking about how they now could do annoying couple things when there was no one to see.
Bill didn’t seem to be in a joking mood now, Tom realized, as he sat by his brother and tried to take a bit of the blanket to get his feet under it too. Bill pulled the blanket all to himself.
“I’m cold, get your own blanket.”
“Can I use yours if I rub your feet?”
Bill considered and let go of the part of the blanket he was holding, throwing it towards Tom. Smilingly, Tom crossed his legs under the blanket and started to rub Bill’s feet.
After a while, he slowly started to move his hands up Bill’s legs, stroking from behind his knees, and making his way to his inner thighs. Those were Bill’s more tender body parts.
“Tom, stop.”
“What?”
“It’s not working, I don’t want to.”
Tom let go of Bill altogether and rubbed his forehead, puzzled.
“You haven’t wanted to in days.”
Bill stared at Tom with the look that was a dead give-away to Tom that there would be yelling involved shortly.
“I just haven’t. felt. like. it.”
Tom sighed and looked at the opposite wall, not really feeling like he could face Bill. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”
“What do you mean?”
“If, you know, you didn’t want or something.”
“I just told you I don’t want to and you’re picking up a fight! I’m just not always going to want to be doing it like fucking bunnies, Tom.”
“I don’t mean that, I mean… You’d tell me if you didn’t want me, at all. If you didn’t want to be with me.”
Bill was about to say that Tom acting extremely stupid and he didn’t want to be talking about something as ridiculous as this, but something in Tom’s voice stopped him. His boyfriend sounded almost insecure, which wasn’t how their relationship should make either of them feel.
“Yeah, I’d tell you. Of course I’d tell you.”
“But if you felt, like, scared or that you’d hurt me.”
Bill had to laugh at that. “I’ve never had a problem with telling you things that might hurt you,” he tried good-humouredly. “And I think you’re more scared of me than I’m scared of you.”
Tom finally looked at Bill, and there was no traces of a smile on his face. He looked worried, sad, scared even.
“Tom. What is it?”
Tom looked down at his hands, twisting them. “Sometimes, in incest relationships…”
“Don’t call us that.”
“But that’s what this really is, technically, and it’s almost always the older one, like me, forcing it to happen,” Tom looked like he was on the verge of throwing up.
Bill blinked. “So what, now you think you’ve forced me into being with you?”
“Well… it’s just, you’ve been so weird lately, and then I read this thing and, I don’t know, it felt like it could be real.”
“You read what thing?”
Tom had been thinking about this for a while now, too scared to ask, but with the way Bill seemed to be almost disgusted with him, he’d finally braced himself.
“There was this story, about us, where I forced you into being with me and you didn’t want to but you were too scared and ended up like hating me.”
“Tom, why would you read those things? I thought we agreed that‘s too pervy even for us.”
Tom looked pained. “And then someone had said that it’s actually true, that it’s usually the older one forcing the younger one into doing stuff, and they’re too scared to stop it. Or that they don’t want to hurt them, because they’re brothers, and it’s different kind of love.”
Bill sighed and moved a little closer to Tom, who actually tried to move further away.
“Tomi, that‘s not us. I want to be with you, you have to know that. That stuff can be true for other people, but it’s not us. We’re real, you have to know that too. I thought I had a smart boyfriend.”
“I know, I just.. I don’t know. I don‘t ever want to hurt you or for you to think that you couldn‘t tell me if you didn‘t feel good about us.”
Bill smiled with what he hoped was a reassuring way. He reached his hand to cup Tom’s cheek, but didn’t quite make it.
“I feel sick,” he blurted out before running to the toilet.