(no subject)
the other night i spend most of the night alone and went insane. it was great. i wrote a bit. it turned out pretty sweet. i guess i had a nice time though. ron took me out for starbucks this morning and i read it to him and he really liked it. keep in mind its just crazy stream of conciousness stuff. and heres your disclaimer all who read this. there are NO underlying meanings (as it IS stream of conciousness) and i am NOT out to hurt anyones feelings or to offend. i just wanted to share some writing with you. thats all. now i need to type this fast so i can go play with bookie.
i sit outside at 1 am. its hardly late and even though i was tired at 10 i cant imagine going to sleep right now. he said he was anxious and going for a drive, that he'd be back in 40 minutes and that he'd call me. my only reply was "you always say that" he mumbled something and i didnt even try to hear it, he said bye. i hung up. he never called back and even though i expected it im still hurt. everyone i know is like this. only thinking of themselves. so self-obsessed, self-centered, and egotistical. but look at me. here i am thinking only about MY feelings, MY disappointment, MY wants, MY needs. ive learned from the best. my thoughts switch to an old high school friend- sure i didnt need to write this, but my future self may need a propert ransition- and her new 45? 50? year old love. how sick. whats even worse was that she told her mom about him. and all her mom could say was "well if it was meant to be then it will all work itself out" did she tell her mom how she and her lover joked about how she should marry his son (only two years younger) so that they could be together forever? i bet he heard them fucking in the guest room while his mom was out running errands. she says his wife once told him that she didnt like how much time he was spending with this girl. WORK ITSELF OUT?! i mean really i complete retard with no brain activity could see that this situation is completely fucked. and that this awful relationship she has built up in her head like a fairy tale is just another story to tell some shrink while she pops ten different kinds of prescription pills just to stop the nightmares of her actually fucking him in the bed he shared with his wife- or some random bartender who needs to cut her off becuase she can barely balance herself in her drunken depressive stupor- he'll give her one more though, becuase he feels bad for her, and becuase he can smell the need coming from her thighs. he knows he gets off work soon, so he can offer her a ride home, fuck her in the front seat while her ass hits his broken horn, he'd fuck her even if her mouth did smell like vomit, its been so long and she'll barely remember him in the morning. i can hear the trains coming 5 minutes before they actually pass my apartment. i finished the book and though i know i loved every second of it i feel like the author is a pretentious bastard for ending it the way he did. and she... and she what? she kissed him? she fucked him? she shot him in the head? i like to think she killed him and stole his car and thats why his thoughts stopped. the ending of a book is so much more important that any other part. its the last thought that runs through a persons head. it is the one and only reason a person might say a book is good, or bad, or just ok. god what an asshole. i go inside. and im already settled in my room before i hear it pass my window. what are you doing sunday? tuesday? tomorrow at four im supposed to wander the streets of naperville. i probably wont. i have great ideas for philosophy club. forums for students to read thier papers, local debates- not on whether or not god exists as that is worse than watching lesbian porn. rather... why does man feel he has the right to determine what is right for the life and well being of his fellow man. that question wasnt my idea though. ill keep it going nevertheless. my friends are an inspiration. the alleyways are a great band. i like the sound of male voices. i like that he cant be mad at me when he hears my voice. you know, youre so unreal. i finished a whole pack of cigarettes from the hours of 4pm-1am. twenty cigarettes a day isnt enough, but i cant even afford one. the hickies on my neck look painful. it only kind of hurt when he did it. like he was biting to hard. i swore my neck was bleeding but it was only saliva left over from his tongue. did i tell you i met a girl the other day? she was driving a volkswagen, we always see her around. did i tell you we were in love and that i fucked her brains out? no you didnt ( i know he just says it becuase it makes me jealous- he loves getting a rise out of me) haha well, i lied about that part but i did talk to her about her car. i know people that like to pretend theyre in love but the truth is theyre just terrified about being alone. i dont know why though. maybe its becuase if theyre not with someone it means theyre not worth being with. that theyre stupid and ugly and worthless. that isnt always true. i doubt people often experience love- just bouts of unexplainable emotion that theyll try to pass off as love. or at least confuse for love. i never understood the term unconditional love. its so redundant. if i have to explain that to someone- you know what i mean by that- i usually dont even start. its pointless to waste my breath. obviously a lost cause. i miss my sister. the way she throws fits about me using her make-up and then asks to borrow mine. or asks me to do hers becuase im better at it than she is. its cute. shes cute. a horrid brat but wonderful in her own right. i miss playing music with my brother and singing along to helpless by crosby,stills,nash,and young while my dad plays the guitar. we are, helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless. its not awful to think negative things about the people you love. how can you know you love them without recognizing that you can live without everything you hate about them. my friends are the most amazing worst people to walk this earth second to me. and i love them from thier split ended, dandruff filled, oily hairs on thier head to the warts on thier feet. my family hates eachother for not living up the the dreams we have for them. is there anything more beautiful than that? "to teach how to live without certainly, and yet, without being paralyzed by hesitation, is perhaps, the chief things that philosophy, in our age, can still do for those who study it."--bertrand russell "the history of modern philosophy"
i sit outside at 1 am. its hardly late and even though i was tired at 10 i cant imagine going to sleep right now. he said he was anxious and going for a drive, that he'd be back in 40 minutes and that he'd call me. my only reply was "you always say that" he mumbled something and i didnt even try to hear it, he said bye. i hung up. he never called back and even though i expected it im still hurt. everyone i know is like this. only thinking of themselves. so self-obsessed, self-centered, and egotistical. but look at me. here i am thinking only about MY feelings, MY disappointment, MY wants, MY needs. ive learned from the best. my thoughts switch to an old high school friend- sure i didnt need to write this, but my future self may need a propert ransition- and her new 45? 50? year old love. how sick. whats even worse was that she told her mom about him. and all her mom could say was "well if it was meant to be then it will all work itself out" did she tell her mom how she and her lover joked about how she should marry his son (only two years younger) so that they could be together forever? i bet he heard them fucking in the guest room while his mom was out running errands. she says his wife once told him that she didnt like how much time he was spending with this girl. WORK ITSELF OUT?! i mean really i complete retard with no brain activity could see that this situation is completely fucked. and that this awful relationship she has built up in her head like a fairy tale is just another story to tell some shrink while she pops ten different kinds of prescription pills just to stop the nightmares of her actually fucking him in the bed he shared with his wife- or some random bartender who needs to cut her off becuase she can barely balance herself in her drunken depressive stupor- he'll give her one more though, becuase he feels bad for her, and becuase he can smell the need coming from her thighs. he knows he gets off work soon, so he can offer her a ride home, fuck her in the front seat while her ass hits his broken horn, he'd fuck her even if her mouth did smell like vomit, its been so long and she'll barely remember him in the morning. i can hear the trains coming 5 minutes before they actually pass my apartment. i finished the book and though i know i loved every second of it i feel like the author is a pretentious bastard for ending it the way he did. and she... and she what? she kissed him? she fucked him? she shot him in the head? i like to think she killed him and stole his car and thats why his thoughts stopped. the ending of a book is so much more important that any other part. its the last thought that runs through a persons head. it is the one and only reason a person might say a book is good, or bad, or just ok. god what an asshole. i go inside. and im already settled in my room before i hear it pass my window. what are you doing sunday? tuesday? tomorrow at four im supposed to wander the streets of naperville. i probably wont. i have great ideas for philosophy club. forums for students to read thier papers, local debates- not on whether or not god exists as that is worse than watching lesbian porn. rather... why does man feel he has the right to determine what is right for the life and well being of his fellow man. that question wasnt my idea though. ill keep it going nevertheless. my friends are an inspiration. the alleyways are a great band. i like the sound of male voices. i like that he cant be mad at me when he hears my voice. you know, youre so unreal. i finished a whole pack of cigarettes from the hours of 4pm-1am. twenty cigarettes a day isnt enough, but i cant even afford one. the hickies on my neck look painful. it only kind of hurt when he did it. like he was biting to hard. i swore my neck was bleeding but it was only saliva left over from his tongue. did i tell you i met a girl the other day? she was driving a volkswagen, we always see her around. did i tell you we were in love and that i fucked her brains out? no you didnt ( i know he just says it becuase it makes me jealous- he loves getting a rise out of me) haha well, i lied about that part but i did talk to her about her car. i know people that like to pretend theyre in love but the truth is theyre just terrified about being alone. i dont know why though. maybe its becuase if theyre not with someone it means theyre not worth being with. that theyre stupid and ugly and worthless. that isnt always true. i doubt people often experience love- just bouts of unexplainable emotion that theyll try to pass off as love. or at least confuse for love. i never understood the term unconditional love. its so redundant. if i have to explain that to someone- you know what i mean by that- i usually dont even start. its pointless to waste my breath. obviously a lost cause. i miss my sister. the way she throws fits about me using her make-up and then asks to borrow mine. or asks me to do hers becuase im better at it than she is. its cute. shes cute. a horrid brat but wonderful in her own right. i miss playing music with my brother and singing along to helpless by crosby,stills,nash,and young while my dad plays the guitar. we are, helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless. its not awful to think negative things about the people you love. how can you know you love them without recognizing that you can live without everything you hate about them. my friends are the most amazing worst people to walk this earth second to me. and i love them from thier split ended, dandruff filled, oily hairs on thier head to the warts on thier feet. my family hates eachother for not living up the the dreams we have for them. is there anything more beautiful than that? "to teach how to live without certainly, and yet, without being paralyzed by hesitation, is perhaps, the chief things that philosophy, in our age, can still do for those who study it."--bertrand russell "the history of modern philosophy"