This is an epiphany.
I just had a dream about Mark. At first when I woke up, I expected him to be beside me - it was that vivid of a dream. And then I realized I was alone. In my bed. Like I've been for almost 4 years now. It's disconcerting how much this dream bothers me right now. I hate how when I first saw him he gave me the exact same butterflies as when I first met JK. I literally couldn't breathe when I met Mark. My words escaped me and I babbled. My face was flushed with color. I felt like my heart simultaneously was in my throat and was stopped. Breathing really did hurt. I also felt like someone shut all the sound off, as if I was in a vaccuum. My hands were shaking when we made physical contact. I just felt absolutely struck by his presence. The same feeling of the world stopping happened when I met JK.
So I guess (me being the dreamer that I am) that this meant big things for Mark and I. I thought this meant I found my missing piece after years of being so alone. Granted I have dated around and had some good prospects - even people I thought that maybe one day I might fall in love with. But in that one instant. In that first initial meeting.... I was head over heels for Mark and I don't know why. Each day since then I've been trying to rationalize my feelings. I can't come up with anything.
I've been reading a lot of strange fiction books lately and all of them seem to have the same sort of theme. The whole "love at first sight" concept. Some go as far to say that there are perfect soul mates and people that you're meant to spend the rest of your life with and that you'll know it the moment you meet them.
I felt that about JK.
Sadly I felt the same way about Mark.
And I'm still alone.
It's 5:36pm in Beijing and I want to pick up the phone and call him. Hell I don't even know if he brought his phone with him. It probably costs too much. I just want to hear his real voice as opposed to the dream voice of his I have stuck in my head right now. Actually I'm thinking about writing him an e-mail because I know Olympic Village is outfitted with computers in every room. That, and he doesn't have anything to do for a few days because his tournament doesn't immediately start. I just want to phrase everything I've been thinking right now in a way, that to him, I won't sound like a crazy person.
Hell I don't think he's ever felt the same way about me. But I've never outright asked him. Its strange... just the thought of continuing on life without him feels so empty - and not in a sad/depressing way if that is at all possible. I will just feel like there's something very important missing from my existence. Most days I won't be able to put a finger on why this hole is there but when it hits my way I feel the way I do, it's going to hurt.
Is it too much to ask happiness and completion to stop eluding me? It's so unfair. I actually blew up in anger/tears during a therapy session the other day. I don't mind sharing this with you (reader whoever reads my random words) because I feel the need to get it out of there. I discovered why I couldn't get over JK for the longest time (and subsequently I've gotten over my emotional feelings for him... now if only I could stop equating who he is with my concept of love then I'll be all set). The reason I couldn't get over him is because I was absolutely and utterly angry at him. And jealous.
He found a replacement me in absolutely no time. I have no idea when he started dated Emily but it was very very soon after we broke up. It was his roommates sister. Another knife to the heart. As the years pass and I continue to fail at every relationship I've had since JK I can't help but getting angrier and more bitter towards him. I've been single for almost 4 years - whereas he's been with Emily for those 4 years. I've been living in hell and he's been living in absolute bliss. And that's why I'm mad at him. It's not the emotion of love I feel for him - the reason why I can't get over him. It's my feelings of utter disgust, hate, and jealousy towards the great life he's been living without me.
Why is he the one that deserves to be happy? Why can't I get the same things he's gotten out of life? Why am I the one that's sititng here suffering? I hate the fact that I'm so fucking bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy for him. I want to be happy that he's happy in life now. But I can't stand the fact that I'm not happy. I guess it's because I look at him as the reason why we fell apart. I blame him for the end of the relationship. I had put JK on a pedestal and thought him infallible. And then he slipped up, he got weak, and gave into the peer pressure of his friends. I was so mad at him for putting drugs before me and then blatantly lying about it as well as keeping it a secret. I hold him responsible for the demise of our relationship. It's almost as if now, subconsciously (and now consciously through therapy) I blame him for all of my unhappiness in life.
I'm not proud of that. But I'm working through it.
It's just hard at the moment because I thought Mark was going to be my savior from this depression. I thought he was my knight in shining wheelchair. I know people find it ironic that the person I have had such intense feelings for other than JK, is also in a wheelchair. Strange? I don't know... maybe I'm just wired that way. I just wish Mark understood that. And that JK did too while we were together. I used to say Mark was pulling a JK whenever he would say "Why me?" "I'm just some cripple.... why me???" Mark never quite got the concept that maybe, just maybe, I really wanted him. I wanted him for him, not the novelty of him. So what if he's in his early 30s? Age has never been a problem for me. So what if he doesn't live in NC? I'm graduating soon and am able to pretty much go anywhere. So what if he doesn't think he's attractive? I think every inch of him from his toes to his shaved head, from his smile to the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs - to his sense of humor and his pride and determination. "Why me?" ..... "Why the hell not? You're everything I've ever wanted."
I just wish I had the balls to copy and paste this and e-mail it to him. Maybe I'll figure something out when it's not 6am here and 6pm there. I'm still reeling from that dream and I know I'm not thinking straight right now. I want to be able to say the things I've been thinking without scaring him off. Maybe I should wait until after the paralympics? I don't want to be in his head while he's trying to play. Though he's such a great athelete I don't think even a few broken ribs could phase him in a game.
Oh, do you want to know what the dream was about?
It was Thanksgiving and it took place at my house. (Look at sidebar below because this will explain something important) Mark pulled up in his car and I was absolutely elated to see him. Me and Kyle helped him into the house and we settled into the living getting ready to watch the football game. He sat beside me and grabbed my hand in his. He bantered easily with my family... making fun of all three of my brothers. They in turn made fun of him. It was just such a light and happy atmosphere in the house. In the dream, I simply couldn't take my eyes off of him. I couldn't believe I had found someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't believe he was real and the he was mine. But this is the jist of the dream - I couldn't believe I felt complete and that I felt the happiest I've been in years. Because of a dream.
[side bar: Thanksgiving + me + Mark is something very significant. We met in person for the first time the day before Thanksgiving last year. And I was utterly depressed because my family had gone out of town and I was stuck in Greensboro because I was working the day before and the day after Thanksgiving. I had gotten to know Mark pretty well that night. It was an absolute chatfest. He actually invited me to have Thanksgiving with his family.]
I don't know if I want to go back to sleep. I don't know if I'll dream about him again tonight. Or if his face is just going to fade away... like it did in real life. My chest aches right now just thinking about it all. Maybe I'll read to get my mind off of all of this.
My apologies for the very long entry. It's just stuff that needed to be said.