fifteen | Your friendly neighborhood paperboy does whatever a paperboy can

[strike_you_out]

[ Mayfield has a new paperboy. One who would much rather beat you to death with your own newspaper than deliver it to you. And above all, he would personally like to bludgeon whomever is in charge of these ridiculous job assignments.]

[Phone | Unfiltered ]

I don't want to be a paperboy.

But if Mayfield wants its newspapers, then Mayfield will get

Comments

D

[godisachild]

[Well, he was just getting up bright and early when he notices you Slugger. He's about to call out something, when he sees your behaviorisms.

Oh dear god.

That's hysterical.]

[strike_you_out]

[Whistling, the paperboy finishes dropping off your newspaper before he turns to spot you and SMILES.]

Morning, Pokey. Look I'm a paperboy!

[The enthusiasm is sickening.]

[godisachild]

[Pokey's just...gonna be biting his bottom lip to hide the smirk trying to come out. The fact that you're such a goober is hysterical that he almost wouldn't miss you if-

Oh shit.

Naw, you couldn't be like this permanently. That's just stupid. Of course you're fine, and going to be coming back eventualy. Right?

...Well. There's a good way to find out.]

Yeah Slugger you...you sure are.

Hey, you got a minute? There's something really neat I need to show you in the back yard.

[strike_you_out]

There is? Alright! But only for a minute, I've got news to deliver.

[Since your his BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, he can break from routine to see what it is you want to show him. He'll start heading around to the back of the house.]

[godisachild]

[Pokey will let Slugger get a head start before looking around for something, anything, to put the drone out of his misery. He supposes he could have Josephine just step on him, but even the drone would probably see that coming.

Oh. There's the garden hose. That'll probably work alright.

He'll just pick that up and hide it behind his back, clenching and straightening a length of it as he goes to find you in the yard.]

Okay, Slugger, so all I need you to do is just stop and close your eyes for a minute. Cause I gotta get something real cool out, and I'll tell you when to open them, alright.

[strike_you_out]

It's a surprise? It must be really neat. Okay, yeah!
[He closes his eyes, trusting you completely. Of course, just to make things all the more interesting, he continues to run his mouth.]

Gosh, Pokey, you're the best pal a guy could ask for.

[godisachild]

[Okay, all he has to do is get a bit closer, so he can easily brace when he brings the hose around to strangle you and-]

Don't say that.

[His voice is small, but cold. Dangerous.]

[strike_you_out]

[The drone blinks open an eye.]

Huh? But it's true isn't it? You're my best, BEST buddy in the-- oops, I peeked! Sorry.

[godisachild]

[Doesn't matter. Not a bit. He can't take it anymore.

Pokey doesn't give a shit if you peak, or not, or what. With a small growl that hose is going around your neck and Pokey is going to try just tighten it as much as he can, bracing to keep firm so there's little struggle to try and keep the hose from slipping or you from struggling Slugger.

Why'd you have to open your mouth? Why'd you have to do that? Good God, no wonder Slugger apparently hated dealing with Pokey's drone so much. At first Pokey had thought it was funny coming from you, but really? It's goddamn irritating. And annoying. ...And mocking. He can't stand that. Not hearing you of all people blather on like that.

Die. Just shut up and die and give him the actual Slugger back tomorrow.]

[strike_you_out]

[The strangulation definitely prevents him from speaking and from breathing, but not from smiling even as his face loses color. He clutches weakly at the hose, then at you as he slowly begins to sink down onto his knees.

BEST FRIEND. EVER.]

[godisachild]

[Seeing that stupid smile does absolutely nothing to quell Pokey's rage. If anything, it just further enforces it. God, he hates you right now Slugger. Why'd you have to go and get droned, you giant friggin' jerk? Pokey's already lost two of the best friends he's ever had here, losing you is not an option.

He'll just keep trying to pull the hose tighter, to choke you quicker. He just wants this done at this point.]