People Still Generally Suck.
From an email sent to my old friend. Jenn:
I am realizing that I don't really know how to be alone.
I have spent the day doing nothing but sitting in front of the computer - reading journals, reading blogs, listening to music, and accomplishing nothing of importance. Thankfully, Steve made it to Boston without incident, though he 'did' have to wait in line for an hour and a half just to clear security at the airport.
"If anything, it's probably the safest day to fly". He is probably right.
Normally I anticipate his return home from work. Today I am anticipating getting through these next three days as unscathed as possible. Of course, today hasn't been much different than any other day, despite the increased sense of loneliness. Why can't I seem to "function" by myself?
(This email is terribly disjointed. I am sorry for that).
I'm glad I reached out and that we are communicating with one another again. I am sorry for the lost years and the silence and most of all my insecurities - why I felt like I wouldn't be wanted in your world is something I don't quite understand. I still feel this way about many things, and am not sure how to go about re-wiring my brain when it's had thirty years of the same rhythm. How does one create a new reality for themselves?
This move has upset me more than I ever expected. It's hard when you think you want something for so long - to be back in your "native" country close to family with the hopes of moving forward in your life ... and yet when you "come back" it's never quite what you wanted it to be. Instead you are left with nothing but hurt feelings, shattered expectations and a new found realization that you can't go back. The reality isn't the same picture-perfect scene that you had created in your mind.
I'm realizing that perhaps it's finally time to "grow up" and create the future I want. No one will be handing it to me on a silver platter.
I'm just so tired of having to start over. So tired.
(You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone).
That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling day in and day out. After reading this post in The Toronto Star regarding the difficulties of adults making friendships, I decided to go out on a limb, take the advice of the story and went to search
local community lists for others interested in meeting new people for friendship.
I didn't have much luck. Only three people responded, one of which were 'not' looking for a platonic relationship (the nudist part gave THAT ONE away). Eish.
The one that takes the cake would be this guy who posted that he and his wife were looking for new friends blah blah blah to which I responded that I had just moved here with my husband and were looking for the same thing.
(Enter normal email chit chat here). He asked me what my interests were to which I replied with:
"We love the food scene (though is there one here in London? Haha). Eating out, exploring wines, cooking, entertaining, literature, music." How about you and your wife? What do you two do?"
Now this is where it gets interesting.
Just normal interests, right? I didn't think I sounded 'too' boring or too pretentious or too anything out of the ordinary. I mean, I excluded things like "sleeping in, sitting on my ass in front of the computer reading blogs and journals and listening to podcasts", since I didn't think that would go over all too well with a stranger. Well, the guy responds with this:
By what I am reading, it appears as though we will bore you to death. We have a 9 year old girl, and she is our life. We toil around making sure she can be her best, in life, in school, etc. Neither of us like wine. Eating out is fine, but we're not into fine dining, I'm not interested in paying top dollar for some gourmet meal, or gourmet atmosphere. I don't currently work, so until I a employed again, money is a huge issue.
Football season has started, hockey season is approaching, I watch wrestling (could you imagine?). We are not interested in putting on a show for people, we are who we are, nothing fancy.
It would be nice to have friends in London, but we're not going to sell out, or pretend to be high class.
As you might be able to tell by now, I pull no punches, I am to the point. However, my tone shouldn't be misinterpreted, I just don't want to be misleading.
WHAT? I mean ... can you believe this douchbag?
I'm still thinking of how best to respond. This guy sounds like he has some serious issues. Where in my reply did I give the impression that I put on a show or pretend to be something that I am not? Where does it say that we are sell outs? Honestly, I am not surprised that this guy doesn't have many friends.
People are jerks.
I am realizing that I don't really know how to be alone.
I have spent the day doing nothing but sitting in front of the computer - reading journals, reading blogs, listening to music, and accomplishing nothing of importance. Thankfully, Steve made it to Boston without incident, though he 'did' have to wait in line for an hour and a half just to clear security at the airport.
"If anything, it's probably the safest day to fly". He is probably right.
Normally I anticipate his return home from work. Today I am anticipating getting through these next three days as unscathed as possible. Of course, today hasn't been much different than any other day, despite the increased sense of loneliness. Why can't I seem to "function" by myself?
(This email is terribly disjointed. I am sorry for that).
I'm glad I reached out and that we are communicating with one another again. I am sorry for the lost years and the silence and most of all my insecurities - why I felt like I wouldn't be wanted in your world is something I don't quite understand. I still feel this way about many things, and am not sure how to go about re-wiring my brain when it's had thirty years of the same rhythm. How does one create a new reality for themselves?
This move has upset me more than I ever expected. It's hard when you think you want something for so long - to be back in your "native" country close to family with the hopes of moving forward in your life ... and yet when you "come back" it's never quite what you wanted it to be. Instead you are left with nothing but hurt feelings, shattered expectations and a new found realization that you can't go back. The reality isn't the same picture-perfect scene that you had created in your mind.
I'm realizing that perhaps it's finally time to "grow up" and create the future I want. No one will be handing it to me on a silver platter.
I'm just so tired of having to start over. So tired.
(You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone).
That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling day in and day out. After reading this post in The Toronto Star regarding the difficulties of adults making friendships, I decided to go out on a limb, take the advice of the story and went to search
local community lists for others interested in meeting new people for friendship.
I didn't have much luck. Only three people responded, one of which were 'not' looking for a platonic relationship (the nudist part gave THAT ONE away). Eish.
The one that takes the cake would be this guy who posted that he and his wife were looking for new friends blah blah blah to which I responded that I had just moved here with my husband and were looking for the same thing.
(Enter normal email chit chat here). He asked me what my interests were to which I replied with:
"We love the food scene (though is there one here in London? Haha). Eating out, exploring wines, cooking, entertaining, literature, music." How about you and your wife? What do you two do?"
Now this is where it gets interesting.
Just normal interests, right? I didn't think I sounded 'too' boring or too pretentious or too anything out of the ordinary. I mean, I excluded things like "sleeping in, sitting on my ass in front of the computer reading blogs and journals and listening to podcasts", since I didn't think that would go over all too well with a stranger. Well, the guy responds with this:
By what I am reading, it appears as though we will bore you to death. We have a 9 year old girl, and she is our life. We toil around making sure she can be her best, in life, in school, etc. Neither of us like wine. Eating out is fine, but we're not into fine dining, I'm not interested in paying top dollar for some gourmet meal, or gourmet atmosphere. I don't currently work, so until I a employed again, money is a huge issue.
Football season has started, hockey season is approaching, I watch wrestling (could you imagine?). We are not interested in putting on a show for people, we are who we are, nothing fancy.
It would be nice to have friends in London, but we're not going to sell out, or pretend to be high class.
As you might be able to tell by now, I pull no punches, I am to the point. However, my tone shouldn't be misinterpreted, I just don't want to be misleading.
WHAT? I mean ... can you believe this douchbag?
I'm still thinking of how best to respond. This guy sounds like he has some serious issues. Where in my reply did I give the impression that I put on a show or pretend to be something that I am not? Where does it say that we are sell outs? Honestly, I am not surprised that this guy doesn't have many friends.
People are jerks.